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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps waking me up

192 replies

cazb4 · 30/09/2021 14:49

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 30/09/2021 14:52

I have dreadful insomnia but when I can't sleep I creep out of our bedroom and shut the door. We are lucky to have a spare room but your DP has his own place that he can toss and turn in.
Yes, when you can't sleep you feel very jealous of the person sleeping next to you but that is no reason to wake them up

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 14:53

YANBU on any level. Your dp sounds completely selfish.

Don't ask him, tell him, he's staying at his own house if he can't show you basic consideration during these periods of time.

Dragongirl10 · 30/09/2021 14:55

He is selfish and frankly nasty, who wakes their partner just because they cannot sleep?

Tiptoeing out of the dark room silently and going to another part of the house is the normal thing to do.

Send him home for good!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/09/2021 14:58

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. This - and bloody stick to it. That YOU are the one making suggestions is ridiculous. It's his problem, HE needs to sort it out, to make adjustments in his life.

No asking, no prevaricating, TELL him. If he stays over and it turns out to be one of those nights TELL him to go home.

I have bouts of insomnia and I doubt anyone other than me ever knows! Mainly because I am not a selfish twat who wants to visit my unhappiness on all around me.

Basically you need to take his 'incredibly offended' and trump it with your own 'now dangerously fucking tired' and tell him to fuck off!

Clutterbugsmum · 30/09/2021 15:00

YANBU at all.

I have insomnia and if I’m having a really bad week I go downstairs so I don’t disturb my DH.

He’s being really selfish to do this to you especially considering he has his own house to sleep at.

samwitwicky · 30/09/2021 15:01

Not being unreasonable at all. He IS.

Your suggestion is a very good idea and he should respect it.

And maybe see his GP for help.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 15:03

He doesn't even live with you, he's being totally selfish and unreasonable

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 30/09/2021 15:03

Shockingly selfish. Does he pay his way at yours and do his fair share of housework? Bet he doesn't.

AttaGirrrrl · 30/09/2021 15:03

YANBU. My DP has similar problems with insomnia, but if we’re at his house he moves himself to his spare room and if we’re at mine, I’ve told him to wake me so that I can move into my son’s room. It’s incredibly selfish for him to affect your sleep too.

Separate duvets, ear plugs and eye masks help us too.

NotMyCat · 30/09/2021 15:03

YANBU. If I have insomnia I creep out the bedroom and go to the living room usually and sit quietly!

Tellmewhat · 30/09/2021 15:05

So he’s disturbing your sleep (possibly deliberately) and he doesn’t even have to be in your house. Presumably he’s not the children’s father either? Not unreasonable at all to say, stay at home for now.

HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 15:05

God, send him home! That would drive me crazy. How selfish is he to wake you when he doesn't even live there!

gamerchick · 30/09/2021 15:06

Be glad he doesn't live with you. It's time he went home on an evening. You're not compatible sharing a bed.

Do not move in with this person.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 15:07

What causes the insomnia?

Chloemol · 30/09/2021 15:13

YANBU

He has a choice when it happens, he quietly gets up and goes downstairs and doesn’t wake you

He goes home

He picks his choice

mynameiscalypso · 30/09/2021 15:15

I generally find the worst thing to do when I have a bout of insomnia is to stay in bed tossing and turning. I always feel much better if I get out of bed and do something, even if it's just quietly watch TV or listen to a podcast in another room. His behaviour does seem a little bit attention-seeking to me.

Wombat49 · 30/09/2021 15:17

Sleep deprivation is used as an instrument of torture.

My DH will pee down the garden, rather than wake me up. I'm that scary when lacking sleep. I'd literally kill in your situation. Adhd, so need sleep to cope with life.

Triffid1 · 30/09/2021 15:17

I'm sort of amazed that at some point you haven't sat up in bed in the middle of the night screaming, "Just go the FUCK home and be awake there!"

What a selfish prat.

WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 15:17

Yanbu! He should definitely stay in his own place when he's having these bouts. What's the point in both of you being wrecked, because he can't sleep??

CoasterCoaster · 30/09/2021 15:18

Believe me when I say it is absolutely worth letting him be offended and sticking to your guns on this OP. Both from the perspective that you (obviously!) need to sleep but also because he needs to learn that you have boundaries and aren't afraid to defend them.

Ignore the sulking and actively ensure he goes home tonight, be firm but calm about it and just repeat that you need to sleep if he argues, do not back down. He is being bloody selfish so I'd be quietly re-evaluating the relationship anyway but take careful note of how he reacts to you standing your ground, it's a big old red flag if he tries to push back.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2021 15:19

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights

How many nights? And what does he contribute to the home considering he lives there most of the time?

And WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS being offended by you needing to sleep?

What possible excuse is he giving for being offended?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

HarebrightCedarmoon · 30/09/2021 15:20

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights

Well, there's your answer. Either he can go the fuck to sleep, shut the fuck up if he can't sleep, or fuck off.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2021 15:22

Honestly if I was the one with insomnia, I'd be the one suggesting that I stay at home.

The fact that he is acting like this is so rude!

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 15:24

Your partner is such a massive, selfish arsehole it's unbelievable. Raise your standards and send him home. What a prick.

Sexnotgender · 30/09/2021 15:25

What a knob. Send him home as soon as he starts his passive aggressive bashing around.