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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps waking me up

192 replies

cazb4 · 30/09/2021 14:49

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2021 09:28

Invested here now. Did he fuck off, OP?

Original poster
cazb4 · 01/10/2021 09:31

Quick update. DP said he felt very tired yesterday and said he knew he would fall asleep once in bed. I figured this was probably true as he's already had 4 nights of no sleep. We got in to bed and I started to nod off straight away. When he saw this he asked me if I was going to sleep already, and said it wasn't fair that I was going to fall asleep first. Again, said in a jokey way. I asked him if he actually expected me to stay awake until he had fallen asleep, and he said that'd be lovely (again, jokey).

He did sleep most of the night last night as he took sleeping tablets. But it's safe to say that I am absolutely fuming today about his complete selfishness and quite frankly, bizarre behaviour over this. I can only conclude that he doesn't actually give a crap about me!

OP posts:
Munchyseeds · 01/10/2021 09:52

What an idiot
He wouldn't be sleeping with me ever again

Crayfishforyou · 01/10/2021 09:55

What a selfish twat.
I would tell him to go to sleep at his home, permanently from now on.

FOJN · 01/10/2021 10:03

When he saw this he asked me if I was going to sleep already, and said it wasn't fair that I was going to fall asleep first. Again, said in a jokey way. I asked him if he actually expected me to stay awake until he had fallen asleep, and he said that'd be lovely (again, jokey).

He's not joking though is he? He keeps disturbing your sleep when he can't sleep, it's unbelievably selfish. Most of us experience extreme tiredness, sleep deprivation at some point in our lives but we don't think it's acceptable to prevent our partner from getting a good night's sleep.

In light of his previous selfish behaviour I would have told him to go home immediately if he'd made those remarks to me. Stop fuming and show him his behaviour has consequences, ask him to leave every time he disturbs you or decide this is a deal breaker for you and get rid of him.

notapizzaeater · 01/10/2021 10:03

Is he always this selfish ?

Tbh I find it annoying when my DH could fall asleep in seconds on a washing line but I'd never wake him up to moan

timeisnotaline · 01/10/2021 10:05

There’s nothing jokey about this shit Angry

AttaGirrrrl · 01/10/2021 10:15

Have you actually spoken to him about this - not in a jokey way at bedtime, but in a serious way, explaining how selfish and inappropriate it is and making a plan for future episodes?

Raspberrycollins · 01/10/2021 10:19

This is a you not enforcing boundaries issue.
Only you have the power to change it, as he selfishly seems quite happy to carry on disturbing you.
You can carry on being fuming, or you can do something about it.
Does he contribute to more or less living there, or use the excuse he has his own property to finance? He sounds like a potential cocklodger.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/10/2021 10:25

Why on Earth did you allow him to stay again last night??

Indigomint · 01/10/2021 12:05

At best , he's really odd. I'm however leaning towards him being potentially abusive , I , and many others here have experienced the highly abusive man that wakes you deliberately. They do this for two reasons , firstly they don't give a crap about your sleep aka wellbeing and secondly because you can get away with more if your partner if tired and off balance.

Be careful.

Buggritbuggrit · 01/10/2021 12:11

Oh, for goodness sake, OP. Stop being so wet. Use your words and tell him this isn’t acceptable. Stop letting him sleep at yours. Silently fuming achieves exactly nothing. At this point, you’re colluding in your own discomfort. Stop.

Abi86 · 01/10/2021 12:14

Bipolar?

Kenneldogsrock · 01/10/2021 12:19

I’d be fuming too. You need to get rid of he is going to be like this constantly.

NewlyGranny · 01/10/2021 12:19

It's clear you aren't entitled to sleep when he's awake and don't have permission to sleep when you're weary, in his worldview.

That's a warped version of reality and you need to decide whether you want to continue living in his fictional world abiding by his coercive rules.

He seems to view you as a service human with no entitlements of your own. I suggest he needs to change pretty radically or be shown the door!

Popcornriver · 01/10/2021 12:26

We got in to bed and I started to nod off straight away. When he saw this he asked me if I was going to sleep already, and said it wasn't fair that I was going to fall asleep first. Again, said in a jokey way. I asked him if he actually expected me to stay awake until he had fallen asleep, and he said that'd be lovely (again, jokey).

This is really weird behaviour, even if it's a joke I don't get it Confused

How isn't it fair that you'd fall asleep first? Sounds like he's in some weird sleep competition with you, like he resents you for being able to sleep. If he can't get enough sleep then you can't either. Absolutely selfish.

Generallystruggling · 01/10/2021 12:41

I’d send him home in all honesty and probably tell him to stay there for good. He’s a selfish twat. I have periods of insomnia too but never keep DH awake. It’s advisable to go downstairs and occupy yourself for a while then try to sleep again rather than tossing and turning for hours.

Triffid1 · 01/10/2021 12:44

I am changing my advice. Before I said send him home to sleep. now I'm saying send him home forever. The entitled little toe-rat. How dare he. Does he also expect you to cook and clean and generally be available to soothe his troubles and wipe his brow? Because that's certainly what he sounds like.

Run OP, Run.

Howshouldibehave · 01/10/2021 12:57

@cazb4

Quick update. DP said he felt very tired yesterday and said he knew he would fall asleep once in bed. I figured this was probably true as he's already had 4 nights of no sleep. We got in to bed and I started to nod off straight away. When he saw this he asked me if I was going to sleep already, and said it wasn't fair that I was going to fall asleep first. Again, said in a jokey way. I asked him if he actually expected me to stay awake until he had fallen asleep, and he said that'd be lovely (again, jokey).

He did sleep most of the night last night as he took sleeping tablets. But it's safe to say that I am absolutely fuming today about his complete selfishness and quite frankly, bizarre behaviour over this. I can only conclude that he doesn't actually give a crap about me!

I think you are right. Honestly, I hope he has a gold plated knob as he doesn’t seem to have many redeeming features in his personality!
Fluffycloudland77 · 01/10/2021 13:01

I’m evil without sleep. He would not make the mistake of doing this to me twice.

arootintootingoodtime · 01/10/2021 13:07

Wow, I can't believe your update.

Selfish and controlling abusive git.

He's shown his true colours at least.

arootintootingoodtime · 01/10/2021 13:08

@Indigomint

At best , he's really odd. I'm however leaning towards him being potentially abusive , I , and many others here have experienced the highly abusive man that wakes you deliberately. They do this for two reasons , firstly they don't give a crap about your sleep aka wellbeing and secondly because you can get away with more if your partner if tired and off balance.

Be careful.

Yes, definitely this.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/10/2021 13:09

@Abi86

Bipolar?
Eh?
Dahliadelight · 01/10/2021 13:12

It’s about control isn’t it? He gets to control your sleep because he’s angry and frustrated at his lack.

Dahliadelight · 01/10/2021 13:12

And agree, that’s it a way off keeping you down if you’re tired.

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