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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps waking me up

192 replies

cazb4 · 30/09/2021 14:49

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/09/2021 15:27

Actually yes! Do you feed him, let him shower at yours too?

Does he pay you towards that? Or isn't that necessary because... erm... oh yes, you're a mum of 2 and he loves you!

How else does he show this disregard for you?

BlueSuffragette · 30/09/2021 15:27

YANBU. He needs to stay at his home not yours when he has these periods of insomnia. He is really selfish if he doesn't understand this.

notapizzaeater · 30/09/2021 15:28

He either goes hone or sleeps on the sofa ! Why should your sleep be bothered fir him ?

OrangeTortoise · 30/09/2021 15:29

YANBU. I sleep well at night but often wake early. I creep out of bed as quietly as I can so as not to wake DH and go to the spare room or snooze on the sofa. Your DH is being selfish.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/09/2021 15:30

no voting - but YABU
I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home.

MAYBE? no bloody maybe about it - tell him to stay at homeHmm

I get bouts of insomnia - my GP reccomended Nytol (the original one with Diphenhydramine, not the herbal rubbish). I don't take it often, but it helps break a pattern of insomnia when it gets to the stage of not sleeping because I'm stressed about not being able to sleep.

LouLou789 · 30/09/2021 15:31

YANBU. I have a few nights in a row once a month where I only get a little sleep. I come through to the lounge, sit in a reclining chair, try to doze, maybe have the TV or music on very, very low. I keep a blanket in the lidded footstool just in case. My DH is vaguely aware that I am not in the bed but I made him a promise many years ago (during a serious illness) that if I genuinely needed him I would wake him, so he can just relax, and go back to sleep.

LadyVersacee · 30/09/2021 15:32

Sounds like a knob. I suffer from insomnia too and before me and DP lived together I’d either not stay over or take myself home if I couldn’t sleep. Make him go home.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 15:33

Why would you stay with a man who is so shockingly disrespectful? Is this the example you want to set for your kids?

Redannie118 · 30/09/2021 15:36

I have had insomnia my whole life, made worse now by chronic pain. I will often spend the entire night awake and in considerable pain. I never make a sound, i creep around in the dark and as we dont have a spare room i leave out everything i need downstairs before i go to bed, such as blankets, ipad with headphones, painkillers, heatpads etc. Not one person in my house is ever aware im up, and if i did wake someone up i would be mortified. The fact he is angry about this tells you everything you need to know about him. He thinks his needs outweigh yours and he refuses to accept anyone elses feelings are valid but his. I would ask him outright why he wakes you up. If he replies " I cant help it" tell him yes you can, you can not be here.

Gemma2019 · 30/09/2021 15:37

You have to send him home! Why are you even entertaining this behaviour from someone who doesn't live with you? Your sleep is very important.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 30/09/2021 15:39

Chronic insomniac here. Normally I take meds but can’t as pregnant just now.

So as I realise I can’t go back to sleep I slip out of the bedroom without waking DH, and tiptoe downstairs where we have a wide sofa long enough to sleep on. I keep a pillow and blankets downstairs in case I manage to drift off. Normally I’m wide awake so sit and play with my phone until DC wakes up for school.

Whinginadeville · 30/09/2021 15:41

I am not keen on sleeping I never wake dh though he doesn't know if I've had a lot of or little sleep til he asks but then I'm not a grandstanding numpty yadnbu

FateHasRedesignedMost · 30/09/2021 15:41

Your DP needs to leave the bedroom silently as soon as he snaps awake, not thrash about.

I keep slippers, a fleece hoodie and robe by the bed so I don’t freeze downstairs. I grab those plus my phone and DH doesn’t even hear me leave.

44PumpLane · 30/09/2021 15:43

He is being a total prick, when my DH suffers bouts of insomnia he goes to the spare room or goes downstairs and snoozes on the family room sofa!

Your partner has options and he is CHOOSING to keep you awake.

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 15:50

I did ask him once why he is so loud etc when this happens and he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't and we both laughed it off. But that was months ago and now I'm fairly sure he was actually being serious.

I have no spare room and currently the sofa I have isn't suitable for anyone to sleep on, so he doesn't have anywhere to move to in the night. Apart from his own house!

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 30/09/2021 15:55

He is being a selfish prick. I'd knock the sleepovers on the head altogether. In fact, given he has such little respect for your need for sleep and thinks it's acceptable to ensure he wakes you up too, then I'd consider dumping him.

AdoraBell · 30/09/2021 15:55

YANBU in the slightest. As suggested up thread, tell him he either quietly goes downstairs or goes home. End of.

Borderterrierpuppy · 30/09/2021 15:57

So he keeps you awake for 4 nights every 14
And has his own bed in his own house
But doesn’t care that it impacts on you at all
I would get rid.

Thelnebriati · 30/09/2021 15:57

Look out for this pattern; when you are happy, he gets in a mood and you end up walking on eggshells around him. If you notice that happening then run for the hills.

Sexnotgender · 30/09/2021 15:58

@cazb4

I did ask him once why he is so loud etc when this happens and he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't and we both laughed it off. But that was months ago and now I'm fairly sure he was actually being serious.

I have no spare room and currently the sofa I have isn't suitable for anyone to sleep on, so he doesn't have anywhere to move to in the night. Apart from his own house!

When people show you who they are, believe them.

He’s DELIBERATELY waking you as he’s upset that you can sleep when he isn’t.

RandomMess · 30/09/2021 16:00

I would end the relationship over it, I am light sleeper and have bouts of insomnia.

If someone was not doing their best to be quiet etc I would be murderous.

DH sleeps in the spare room due to his snoring and it has improved both our moods immensely

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 30/09/2021 16:00

Well would he at least agree to try not to wake you up as a starting point? That would surely be the go to before saying he can't stay?
I'm an awful insomniac but I don't wake everyone else up. I just either lie there stick still or go downstairs quietly. No need to be bashing about and waking everyone else up. It's lonely being awake when everyone else is asleep but that doesn't excuse waking anyone else up!

namechange30455 · 30/09/2021 16:02

Both DP and I struggle to sleep sometimes - I struggle to get to sleep and he struggles to get back to sleep once awake past about 3am.

Neither of us would dream of disturbing the other by banging about in a huff in our bedroom. We'd creep out of the room and go downstairs!

CombatBarbie · 30/09/2021 16:03

Completely selfish, I get bouts of insomnia every couple of months. DH will come down in the morning and find the kitchen deep cleaned and all sorts. I certainly don't wake him because I'm awake..... He on the the other hand, specially on weekends wakes me up at the crack of dawn.

Rooksink · 30/09/2021 16:04

What a selfish arse! Extraordinary behaviour. Reminds me of my dad who used to squeeze hard on my mam's hand when he was in pain eg at the dinner table. Made me want to kill him.