DP keeps waking me up

[cazb4]

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

Tbf, I'm similar to your DP and during the times I'm not getting sleep, I don't often think clearly about those around me.
I know I've woken DH up or disturbed him during the night, but all I want is my own bed, being anywhere else makes me more uncertain. Obviously this is different for you and he has his very own bed elsewhere.

Also, I've been to the drs to address the issue. It is linked to my anxiety (taking medication for that) and was given a strong antihistamines which causes drowsiness for the periods when I can't sleep. These are short term solutions but the state the MH teams are in at the moment, it'll certainly do for now.

The tablets are horrible though. I know I'll sleep with them but I also can't wake up properly. Very foggy and disjointed the next morning.

I would not stay with anyone who wanted me to suffer from something that they were suffering from, for no other reason than them being selfish and spiteful. His mentality of ‘I have insomnia so there’s no way I’m letting you sleep - have a shit night as well’ absolutely stinks. What a selfish man. Kick him out and don’t let him dare to dictate to you when he’ll allow you to sleep. I’m pissed off on your behalf as I have insomnia and would never wake my husband who gets up early for work.

Sorry, side tracked.
What I was meaning to say was I do understand parts of where he's coming from, but the fact that he literally has his own space makes him selfish. But being sleep deprived can make anyone act selfish or irrational. Maybe he sees being around you as comforting? Doesn't stop it being selfish nor something he needs to address for this relationship to continue.

I'm quite surprised he hasn't tried to fix this if he's invested in the relationship

Does he work?

Off he fucks to his house. He’s making you dangerously tired and that impacts you as an employee, a mum, and it’s just shit.

He’s so unreasonable.

Much sympathy for everyone on here who sneaks off to the lounge and spends the night on the sofa under blankets, in order not to disturb anyone else.
I hope life delivers you all a lovely and calm spare room and a nice and warm (but not too warm) duvet soon.

OP - get rid.

@HollowTalk He lives a 5 minute car drive away from me.

I have insomnia. My DH sleeps like a log. He falls asleep literally before his head hits the pillow some nights. And then he snores. A lot.

We sleep in separate beds. Otherwise he would as to my insomnia. I would secretly hate him for being asleep AND keeping me awake. His sleep would be disturbed by me constantly elbowing him to get him to roll onto his side. Sleeping separately works so much better.

You definitely need to ask him to stay away when he's struggling to sleep. Sleep is vitally important for health and you don't need yours disturbed unnecessarily.

[quote cazb4]@HollowTalk He lives a 5 minute car drive away from me. [/quote]
Does he not like his house? Does he never sleep there?

He is testing your limits. No one in their right mind gets offended for making their partners life difficult. They do it so the partner has to keep putting up and sacrificing

Nope. Just nope.

I have sleep issues, including insomnia. If necessary, I sleep elsewhere. Also, if my sleep is disturbed, I suffer from migraines and turn into a total bitch. I need my sleep!

DH would prefer that we sleep in the same bed and doesn’t understand how much noise he makes when comes to bed so often wakes me up. He then gets grumpy if I leave or kick him out of bed. He just doesn’t get it. I’m currently keeping a diary to show him the link.

But the short version - OP, I am totally on your side and YANBU!

Yanbu.
This is precisely why I have my own bedroom, if dh isn’t snoring he’s awake and doesn’t consider the fact I’m still asleep, (but he doesn’t do it deliberately just, no thought) I got fed up of having to move rooms every night so stayed there permanently!

If he resents the fact that you are sleeping when he’s not, knowing you have to work and look after your dc then that’s quite deliberate.

You’ve done the right thing telling him to go home. In fact the next time he wakes you in the night, tell him get off home immediately to spend the rest of the night at his because you need to sleep!
He’ll soon get the message he’s being arse!

I really hope he's sleeping at his own house tonight so you can get some rest OP, it's breathtakingly selfish of him to deprive you of sleep.

Why the fuck are you accepting this behaviour of his?

He is disrupting your sleep, in your house? That he doesn't contribute to, even?

Just tell the fucker to get the fuck back to his own place to be an insomniac arsehole.

I get periods of insomnia too. I quietly get up and go and lay on the sofa. I t would be selfish to wake up DH

Tell him if he can’t sleep he is to get in his car and fuck off home. I had 17 years of being kept awake by my husband’s snoring. He didn’t want me sleeping on the couch (embarrassing, didn’t make him feel “loved” lacked “intimacy”), wouldn’t get a sleep study because he’s super fit (he is actually, an elite sports coach) and a cpap machine isn’t sexy (because snoring’s such a fucking turn on, and so is being knackered.). Went into marriage counselling with a recording and the decibel level, comparisons to other things at the same volume and then read the United Nations Charter on Torture which includes Sleep Deprivation. Told him he was a selfish, controlling jerk, who didn’t value MY sleep or health, MY safety (I had to drive while sleep-deprived and stressed and resentful), my happiness, the kids’ safety, and was willing to potentially risk depriving everyone of a husband & father as well, as he clearly had sleep apnoea, which he refused to believe. He humoured me and had a sleep study and was stunned to discover that he averaged over 40 episodes per hour of sleep apnoea (very severe) and now has a machine that he goes everywhere with and HE sleeps better and wakes up feeling refreshed. I have no tolerance for adults who play these games!!!

He wants you to suffer when he suffers, and makes you feel bad for objecting to this. From this I can gather that he doesn't really care about YOU, but is in the relationship for how it benefits HIM.

You do you, OP, but if you stay with a man who treats you this way, it says a lot about your own self-worth. Men like this do not get better, they just become bigger arseholes as their partners tolerate more and more of their shit.

Wow. He really cares about your feelings and well-being doesn’t he? I hope you’ve pushed him out the door tonight and enjoyed a full nights sleep!

Unbelievable!! What an absolute prick.

I'd be leaving him in your shoes. He's clearly no respect for you

@Blinkingheckythump

I'd be leaving him in your shoes. He's clearly no respect for you

She doesn't need to leave, she needs to put all his belongings at her house in bags and drive it 5 mins back to his. And collect her belongings from his and change her door lock.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Op this isn't a good man. He deliberately wakes you when he can't sleep because it annoys him to see you sleeping when he can't. If he's not happy you won't be allowed to be.

His response to you daring to have a different opinion being that "you're in a mood" is also total bullshit. Your thoughts/opinions are being invalidated because they're nowhere as important as his.

This isn't behaviour he can change. This is an insight into his character and who he will always default to being. Run op, the fact it's taken you this long to raise a problem with his behaviour shows it's already had an effect.

I have insomnia. I sleep in the spare bedroom now. I can found MNing at 3am. I’ll pop to the loo, look outside (in my case, watch burglars and ring 999. That was on Sunday), brush my teeth again, have water. I toss and turn, but I eventually drift back off at 6 to wake for 7.
School run, work, come home to cook, clean and tidy, homework (dds), get them ready for bed whilst half watching a tv program, shower, bed at 11. To wake up through the night, rinse and repeat.

He sounds awful. He needs to go home.

I hope he spent last night in his own house and you got a good night's sleep!!!

Glad this has opened your eyes because even a few days of that would be enough for me to insist he stayed at his own home while having insomnia and if he refused or got offended i’d break up with him. Am assuming he doesn’t have kids? He clearly wasn’t joking before, tbh i’d be seriously considering if I wanted to be with someone who resented me sleeping and deliberately disturbed me just because he had an issue.