Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps waking me up

192 replies

cazb4 · 30/09/2021 14:49

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
Unanananana · 30/09/2021 16:05

He is delibrately waking you because he is cross that you are asleep in your OWN BED in your OWN HOME and you both think that is funny?! I'm not sure which one of you is more deluded? He is doing it ON PURPOSE.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture. Depriving a partner of sleep out of spite sounds like abuse to me. Why on earth would you put yourself through that? Send him home at the very least. If he carries on being offended what the actual fuck then dump his ass. Then you can sleep all you like.

crj123 · 30/09/2021 16:05

Kick him in the cock. Both my partner and I have insomnia (I can't get to sleep; he falls asleep within seconds but doesn't stay asleep) and neither of us would wake the other. As a pp said , you crawl out of bed and deal with it like a grown up

Ellie56 · 30/09/2021 16:08

He is a monumental arsehole.

Tell him to get over himself, stop feeling offended and either show some respect and stop waking you up or fuck off home.

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 16:10

Judging by everyone's responses I definitely must have some boundary issues as I've been worrying about bringing this up with DP for weeks thinking I was being unreasonable!

OP posts:
whatwasIgoingtosay · 30/09/2021 16:14

YANBU

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2021 16:15

It’s actually quite wicked of him to try to keep you awake when he has insomnia. I can’t think of a better work- horribly selfish and nasty.

He needs to stay at his own place whenever he has them, agreed. Or forever if he carries on.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 16:15

@cazb4

Judging by everyone's responses I definitely must have some boundary issues as I've been worrying about bringing this up with DP for weeks thinking I was being unreasonable!
Sorry, yes you do have serious issues with boundaries and your sense of self-worth. Stop being a doormat to this awful man.
BudrosBudrosGalli · 30/09/2021 16:19

That's straightforward abuse! I'd probably permanently kick this fucker to the curb. He should not be staying there all the time anyway, even if he were a good sleeper. Definitely time for a total reset.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2021 16:21

he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't and we both laughed it off.

^^
Can’t believe he said/ thought this or that you thought it was funny! It’s absolutely horrible.

FluffyTeddyBear · 30/09/2021 16:24

Yanbu

Howshouldibehave · 30/09/2021 16:25

What a twat-he can toss and turn in his own bed in his own house if he can’t be considerate!

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 16:25

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I didn't think it was funny but I thought he was joking and I didn't really know what else to say as I felt sorry for him. I don't anymore!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/09/2021 16:26

I wake up between 3.30-4.30 am. When I stay over at my boyfriend's I use the light on my phone to go downstairs and read until I feel tired again. It isn't ok what he's doing and says a lot about the type of person he is.

inmyslippers · 30/09/2021 16:28

I'd send him packing

2020nymph · 30/09/2021 16:31

@ThinWomansBrain

no voting - but YABU I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home.

MAYBE? no bloody maybe about it - tell him to stay at homeHmm

I get bouts of insomnia - my GP reccomended Nytol (the original one with Diphenhydramine, not the herbal rubbish). I don't take it often, but it helps break a pattern of insomnia when it gets to the stage of not sleeping because I'm stressed about not being able to sleep.

I sometimes do take this too to break the cycle.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2021 16:33

You’re not the unreasonable one here; don’t let him stay over again - dump him

Howshouldibehave · 30/09/2021 16:34

What’s his home situation like?

FateHasRedesignedMost · 30/09/2021 16:38

I have no spare room and currently the sofa I have isn't suitable for anyone to sleep on, so he doesn't have anywhere to move to in the night

Get a double duvet, fold it in half and let him sleep on that in the lounge. Some blankets and a pillow and no excuses!

Or tell him to buy an air bed.

MouseRoar · 30/09/2021 16:38

I would fucking kill him. And I'm quite a gentle soul, when I'm not sleep deprived.

AttaGirrrrl · 30/09/2021 16:42

You’re right. Your boundaries have been well out. Like I said earlier, my DP has insomnia too. Before I told him to wake me and I’d go to my son’s room, he would leave my house and drive back to his in the middle of the night, rather than wake me up. Your partner is being ridiculously unfair.

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 17:08

I've just been made to feel so unreasonable for suggesting he go home. Moaning about how tired he is and how he's found the day exhausting. So have I! And I have 2 DC to care for as well!

OP posts:
cabingirl · 30/09/2021 17:08

Tell him he can't stay over on a work night anymore.

If you are thinking long-term about moving in together make sure you do it in a place with a spare room.

gamerchick · 30/09/2021 17:10

@cazb4

I've just been made to feel so unreasonable for suggesting he go home. Moaning about how tired he is and how he's found the day exhausting. So have I! And I have 2 DC to care for as well!
He either goes home or he's on the settee. His choice.
gamerchick · 30/09/2021 17:12

Just seen you don't have a settee suitable.

Serious this is your house and he's being a dick. He goes home during the week and that's the end of it until he sorts this out.

HalzTangz · 30/09/2021 17:16

Has he been to the GP, has he tried nytol or sleeping tablets.
He needs to do something about it.

But yes, he needs to stay at his on those periods, or be thoughtful and quietly move to the lounge. Him making a noise not only wakes you up but will keep him awake.

He should also try reading. Reading always works when I struggle to sleep.
Some white noise might help too