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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP keeps waking me up

192 replies

cazb4 · 30/09/2021 14:49

My DP goes through periods of insomnia. Usually lasts 4 or 5 days and it happens every other week, maybe a bit less. When he has these periods he probably gets about 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. When this happens, he is up and down out of bed all night, tossing and turning, banging around, muttering and getting cross (with himself). No consideration for the fact I'm lying next to him. I actually think he might be being loud on purpose so that I am then awake too. Last night was the third night of this happening and today I am shattered. He wakes me up every single time and I then end up being awake most of the night too. I work full time and have 2 DC so being exhausted makes everything so much harder.

DP doesn't actually live with me, but stays most nights. This has been happening for such a long time that I spoke to him about it today. Although I feel for him, and have suggested various options to try and stop the insomnia, I said that maybe when he has these periods he stays at home. I am exhausted and finding work/looking after the DC/life in general hard work after the 4th night of 2 hours sleep.

DP is incredibly offended and thinks I am being completely unreasonable with this suggestion. Maybe I am? I'm just so tired.

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/09/2021 17:16

I can’t believe a grown man hasn’t suggested he bigger off to his own house so you can sleep! But to be so cross you suggested it? What a massive selfish bell end he is.

He’s enjoying making you suffer too. Bin him off.

Or at least send him bloody home.

SpindleWorld · 30/09/2021 17:23

Why do you think your boundaries are so depleted, OP? What else is he wearing you out with that you're supposed to be cool about?

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 30/09/2021 17:24

YANBU at all. it sounds like a very sensible suggestion and your DP sounds like a selfish twat.

Toomanyradishes · 30/09/2021 17:36

Ive had insomnia for 10 years, i often have bouts where i only sleep a couple of hours, i think ive woken my dh up twice in all that time and that was accidentally. This is not normal for insommnia dont let him make out it is. Honestly i am not sure i would want to be with someone who would deliberately cause me to have sleep deprivation, he sounds like a selfish twat. People who care about each other actually care, even in the middle of the night. This man does not care about you

BlackAlys · 30/09/2021 18:00

He doesn't sound like ideal partner material OP, to be honest....

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 18:09

No other issues really. Or though I have noticed more recently that if I disagree with something he has said then I'm 'in a bad mood'!

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 30/09/2021 18:10

I would bet my mortgage that he is a nasty piece of work in other ways too op.

Presumably you own the house and he stay there for free? The sheer cheek of the man is astonishing!

Original poster
cazb4 · 30/09/2021 18:13

*Although

OP posts:
Strawbsaturno · 30/09/2021 18:22

I did ask him once why he is so loud etc when this happens and he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't

This is it in a nutshell. He needs to FO back to his own place at night. How selfish if him.

SpindleWorld · 30/09/2021 18:24

@cazb4

No other issues really. Or though I have noticed more recently that if I disagree with something he has said then I'm 'in a bad mood'!
That actually is a huge issue, OP.

He's putting you in your place, so to speak. Training you to be compliant. It starts off small then grows.

Like the gradually moving in and not going home when you ask ...

Eroding boundaries. Making you second-guess yourself.

DrNo007 · 30/09/2021 18:24

Separate bedrooms or if that is not possible, separate houses.

TheCanyon · 30/09/2021 18:36

My dh has had awful insomnia for months due to medication. At first I was woken up by him bouncing out of bed and faffing about for his phone them sitting scrolling through it, he got a swift talking to and now I couldn't tell you when he gets up.

seaandsandcastles · 30/09/2021 18:39

YANBU. He is very selfish.

ZealAndArdour · 30/09/2021 18:41

YANBU, l have periods of insomnia. Even when my DP is staying at MY house (he doesn’t live with me), if I can’t sleep I take myself out of the bedroom and go and sit quietly in the lounge on my phone or kindle so as not to disturb him, and I don’t return to the bedroom until I’m certain that I’m going to fall asleep.

If we can manage to work it that way in a small 2 bed flat, your DP has absolutely no excuse for not going to stop at home.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/09/2021 18:47

I’ve had insomnia for years - it is a bit better now I’ve started listening to audiobooks via earbuds, but I still have bad nights. I do my best not to disturb dh - I wanted to try listening to audiobooks or meditation apps years ago, but until wireless earbuds came along, I couldn’t listen to things on my phone because dh would have had to listen too, and I wasn’t going to risk disturbing him.

Your dp is behaving very selfishly, @cazb4, and I think you weren’t unreasonable at all, to ask him to sleep in his own home, on the bad nights, so you can get the sleep you need.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/09/2021 18:50

Blimey he’s a selfish arse! This isn’t normal caring behaviour!

I’ve got a horrible cough at the moment and if I wake up coughing in the night I creep out to our DDs room (she’s at uni) … if she was home I’d go on the sofa. No point in both of us having a shit night.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/09/2021 18:51

@cazb4

I did ask him once why he is so loud etc when this happens and he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't and we both laughed it off. But that was months ago and now I'm fairly sure he was actually being serious.

I have no spare room and currently the sofa I have isn't suitable for anyone to sleep on, so he doesn't have anywhere to move to in the night. Apart from his own house!

"I did ask him once why he is so loud etc when this happens and he jokingly said that it makes him annoyed knowing I'm fast asleep when he isn't and we both laughed it off. But that was months ago and now I'm fairly sure he was actually being serious."

He needs to go back to his own place. He's being a totally selfish prick, his waking you is absolutely deliberate. I'm insomniac and have always been able to leave our bedroom silently. I go downstairs, read a book or watch TV until I feel sleep might be possible. DH sleeps on, undisturbed by me.

"No other issues really. [Although] I have noticed more recently that if I disagree with something he has said then I'm 'in a bad mood'!"

In his mind you cannot possibly have a different opinion from him, you're just saying that you do because you're choosing to be a PITA. He doesn't accept you are a full human, you are just an accessory to his life. Seriously, this is a huge issue.

On the keeping you awake, no pissing about he needs to sleep in his own home from now on. Being kept awake is a form of torture used by many despotic regimes. If he's doing this to you deliberately, bear that in mind - he is choosing to torture you. Because if he cannot sleep, why should his accessory be allowed to?

And on his inability to accept that you have your own thoughts and opinions, I'd be sending him home permanently. Life is too short to waste it on inadequate men.

RaisedByPangolins · 30/09/2021 18:55

He’s a selfish prick. You’re lucky you don’t live with him and can easily rectify this problem.

FWIW when DP and I first got together he would set multiple alarms in the morning and then go back to sleep each time leaving me wide awake. Or let his DD come and get into bed with us, then roll over and go back to sleep leaving me to entertain her.

I put a stop to it pretty sharpish. I may have come across unreasonable but I don’t give a fuck. My house, my rules. Nobody wakes me up unless the house is on fire. If you’re getting up before me you tiptoe around like a thief. Wake me up, feel my wrath.

Get serious about it, and keep an eye out for any other signs that he’s a selfish abusive cunt because this doesn’t sound good tbh. Him “joking” about waking you up because he’s angry that you’re sleeping peacefully is very telling.

Send him home tonight and enjoy a good nights sleep BrewFlowers

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 30/09/2021 18:57

Yanbu.

DH has regular insomnia but he either reads on his iPad or just lies there. He never disturbs me…. if he was waking me I’d ask him to go in the spare room. I’m really grumpy when tired!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2021 18:57

Well now he really does have to go, after his reaction to your “suggesting” it - should have been “telling” but never mind.

He’s now trespassing. He’s crossed your literal boundaries as well as metaphorical ones.

He needs to get off your property now.

user1471442488 · 30/09/2021 18:58

God, some men are so shit. Waking you up because he’s jealous that you’re asleep ffs. I would kick him the fuck out of my house the first time he woke me up.

mbosnz · 30/09/2021 18:58

We sleep in separate bedrooms, because I toss and turn, and have issues with insomnia, and am a very light sleeper, while he is a very deep sleeper, who snores his head off, and 'gobbles' his enjoyment of his slumber. . .

You need to do what facilitates you both getting a good night's sleep, or at the very least, one of you! So yes, that's him sleeping at his, when he's having an insomniac period.

mbosnz · 30/09/2021 18:59

Oh, and we share the cat, who pretzels us in our sleep. . .

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/09/2021 19:07

As an insomniac, I do get the crossness at other people falling asleep easily and sleeping deeply - sometimes, when I was still lying awake at 4am, for the umpteenth night in a row, knowing the impact that the fatigue was having on my physical and mental health, I did feel it was so unfair that dh was snoring next to me, having dropped off as soon as his head hit the pillow.

But I knew this was not a reasonable way to feel - and when I did feel that way, it was my problem, and didn’t give me the right to wake dh up or act in the way that @cazb4‘s dp is.

I can make a joke of it now - dh deliberating sleeping well AT me, with malice aforethought - but sleep deprivation does horrible things to your ability to be logical and reasonable. So I do understand his anger - but he needs to realise it is his issue to deal with, and he doesn’t have the right to take those feelings out on anyone else.

MadMadMadamMim · 30/09/2021 19:08

I'd tell him he wasn't staying over again. And I'd mean it.

I need to be able to sleep to function. And if you disturb my sleep I don't want to spend my nights with you.

If he has a problem with that it's tough shit. He doesn't get to ruin your nights as well as his own. He's a twat for being offended when someone rightly draws a line in the sand over what is acceptable behaviour in their home.