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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/09/2021 12:35

Yabu

Can’t you do both? Give your son presents in the morning then go to the party

Blackkoala · 30/09/2021 12:36

It’s totally up to you. I think for a 30th it’s a bit more of a special occasion and you could maybe celebrate your son the day before or after, especially as he’s old enough to have that explained to him. But if you really don’t want to and you can handle any fallout, you don’t have to.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 30/09/2021 12:37

I think you’re being a bit U, sorry.

Can you not do both? What does your son feel about it? Or does his birthday matter more to you?

PumpkinsNPoppycock · 30/09/2021 12:37

I think you're being a bit precious tbh. I'm sure your ds is old enough to understand it's not just his birthday.
Could you go to the mil's for an hour or so then celebrate with your ds/dh?

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 30/09/2021 12:38

I think you are a bit, you can celebrate around it and maybe take an extra cake for your son so he is included in the celebrations. I share a birthday with an older family member and have always enjoyed making the most of it. You can also go for a treat day out the day before or after if you want to do something as a family.

Ughmaybenot · 30/09/2021 12:38

Yanbu to celebrate your sons birthday in a way you know he will enjoy more than the option currently presented. They’re not doing anything wrong by organising brother in laws birthday as they have, but it’s understandable that you do something different.
If you feel like it’s going to be difficult for your husband to accept not attending, it may be worth trying to think of a workable option where you can do both, so you attend the lunch but also do something specifically for your son as well.

londonrach · 30/09/2021 12:38

Yabu. It's a 30th birthday not a 31st or 29th...it's a special birthday. Do both. Give presents to your son before going to celebrate his uncles special birthday.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/09/2021 12:38

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It's a big birthday for your brother in Law and you can celebrate your sons birthday around the lunch and have a party of whatever the day/weekend after or before. Your son is 9 so surely will understand if people bring presents for his uncle at his uncles party and not him?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:39

Yanbu and I wouldn't want to go either, of course your son will be overlooked and it seems as if you'd mainly be attending out of obligation?

anormalperson · 30/09/2021 12:39

Depends how close you are as a family I think. If it was my family I'd just make my apologies and celebrate my kid's birthday. Especially if there was a chance of them being overlooked. But we're not that close at all

1FootInTheRave · 30/09/2021 12:40

Yabu

It's a 30th so not just a bog standard birthday.

Surely your son is old enough to have it explained?

BendingSpoons · 30/09/2021 12:40

I think YANBU. I think it's pretty tough for a 9yo to be expected to spend their actual birthday celebrating someone else's. It sends a signal to the child that their uncle's birthday is more important. IMO they need to acknowledge it is your DS's birthday too.

WheresYourSnickers · 30/09/2021 12:40

YABU
30 is a big deal, you can celebrate your son's birthday as a family before the 30th party, and he can have a party with his friends etc... the next day or day before or whatever.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/09/2021 12:41

I think 30th family get together is a special event. You can do presents and special breakfast and cake with son and then all go to uncles party. Presumably he’ll have a party with school friends another day. If it’s a family lunch then you could do something in evening with son too - pizza and film etc.

canary1 · 30/09/2021 12:41

I think a child’s birthday trumps an adult one, and I would think the same as you. Celebrate son’s, drop a gift by for the adult at later/ earlier stage.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2021 12:42

What time is the 30th?

I’d try to do both. Might even make your son’s birthday feel even more special to him. Something with his friends in the morning/lunchtime then the whole family getting together later in the day.

Don’t understand why it has to be one or the other. Your son’s 9th is important to you, your MIL’s son’s 30th is equally important to her.

shouldistop · 30/09/2021 12:42

I think at 9 your ds is old enough to understand that some people will bring presents for his uncle and not him. Just explain to him it's a special birthday for his uncle.

PumpkinsNPoppycock · 30/09/2021 12:42

It's only a family lunch, not a whole day affair, you have time to celebrate both

LadyDanburysHat · 30/09/2021 12:42

I think your son is old enough at 9 to have a party or something a different day. He can get his presents and then go to the lunch.

Auroreforet · 30/09/2021 12:42

Why is a 30th a big birthday?
21, 40 or 60 maybe.
I would put a 9 year old first.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/09/2021 12:42

If you don't like them don't go, as far as family birthdays clashing each year the milestone ones should be prioritised.
If uncle said he'll skip DS 18th because it was his 39th it'd be selfish.

Limejuiceandrum · 30/09/2021 12:42

YABU

negomi90 · 30/09/2021 12:42

Talk to your son about how 30 is an extra special birthday. Like turning 10 and double figures. So this year son does birthday things day before or day after (whatever is best for the family) and celebrates uncle's big birthday. Next year he is 10 and so will have big special birthday.
At 8/9 he's old enough to understand.

RedMarauder · 30/09/2021 12:43

YABU

I'm surprised you and your DH haven't made the uncle aware that he shares exactly the same birthday day with his nephew, as it always a good way to make a relation remember another relations birthday.

shouldistop · 30/09/2021 12:43

It sends a signal to the child that their uncle's birthday is more important.

It is more important at the uncles party for his 30th.

Op can make a fuss of her ds the rest of the day.