Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 12:43

I think it's pretty tough for a 9yo to be expected to spend their actual birthday celebrating someone else's. It sends a signal to the child that their uncle's birthday is more important.

Or it sends a signal that other people have birthdays, sometimes on the same day, and you can celebrate both.

30 is a big one. Did he celebrate his 21st (as it was the day your son was born?).

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:43

Talk to your son about how 30 is an extra special birthday

It's not though?

LadyGAgain · 30/09/2021 12:44

YABU.

ChimChimeny · 30/09/2021 12:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable, as it does sound like your DS is being overlooked.

It's hard to imagine this happening in either side of my family because the DC birthday would take priority over a grown up.

Is your DS having a party with friends? When will that be?

If you do go, definitely make sure he has his own cake otherwise that would be really sad

Lostmarbles2021 · 30/09/2021 12:44

I’d prioritise DC I think.

Ishouldbeworkinginstead · 30/09/2021 12:45

YABU. I share the same birthday as one of my own children. I am still a person and deserve to celebrate my birthday too. Generally we do family stuff in the day and DH and I will go out in the evening.

It's good to show your kids the world doesn't revolve around them.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/09/2021 12:45

@Auroreforet

Why is a 30th a big birthday? 21, 40 or 60 maybe. I would put a 9 year old first.
In my friendship group/ family 30th is seen as a big birthday rather than 40th
Bitofachinwag · 30/09/2021 12:45

@1FootInTheRave

Yabu

It's a 30th so not just a bog standard birthday.

Surely your son is old enough to have it explained?

This
museumum · 30/09/2021 12:46

I'd do something for your son and a few of his friends in the morning (say 10-12ish) then go to his uncle's lunch.
Alternatively he can do something the next day with his friends. I don't think an immediate family celebration for him should trump an extended family get together for a 30th.... but surely your extended family will know it's your son's birthday too?

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/09/2021 12:46

YABU maybe a good "the world doesn't revolve around you" lesson? Surely he's used to other people having birthdays?

It won't be all day so spend the rest of the day celebrating your sons birthday then go celebrate his uncles.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 12:46

@Auroreforet

Why is a 30th a big birthday? 21, 40 or 60 maybe. I would put a 9 year old first.
The child was born on his uncle's 21st so perhaps the family wasn't able to celebrate that birthday
Notonthestairs · 30/09/2021 12:47

If you don't attend the lunch what are you going to do?

Personally I'd arrange DS's ideal breakfast, go to the lunch and then take DS out for his choice of meal/cinema/bowling in the evening. You've got 14 hours to play with.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 12:47

Plus there will be another ten years of your son's birthdays taking priority presumably, at least until the uncle hits 40.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/09/2021 12:48

My DD shares a birthday with her Grandmother. Family always celebrate both equally if we are all together... neither is more important.

Saoirse82 · 30/09/2021 12:49

@Auroreforet

Why is a 30th a big birthday? 21, 40 or 60 maybe. I would put a 9 year old first.
Why are 40 and 60 big birthdays and not 30? 🤔
Reallyimeanreally2022 · 30/09/2021 12:50

You’re looking for problems
I’m guessing you don’t think much of your mil
Or your bil!!

Do a really special birthday morning for son.
Then 30th celebration for lunch

Then leave ans super special birthday dinner and treat night at hone for son

Sorted

Summerbreeze4 · 30/09/2021 12:50

I would definitely make it all about your son on his special day. Go to the zoo or cinema etc. 30 year old will cope with out you.
I would decline along the lines of sorry we cant make that day as you know it’s …. Birthday and we have tickets for the zoo and a meal afterwards planned. Or might you even have his party that day. There is no way I would not focus the whole day on my child on his birthday.

Treecreature · 30/09/2021 12:52

Yanbu - Put you boy first.

CheeseyWotsits · 30/09/2021 12:52

Going against the grain but yanbu.

I'd priotise my children's birthday over everyone else's, wouldn't expect anyone else to mind you but I certainly would and if that's precious then so be it.

Also don't class 30 as a big one, I've just recently turned 30 and it was just like any other day.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 12:53

I’d go but have a chat in advance with MIL to make sure the fact it’s also your son’s birthday won’t be overlooked. And maybe throw a birthday breakfast for your son in the morning, with all possible trimmings he may want.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 30/09/2021 12:53

@Cuddlyrottweiler

YABU maybe a good "the world doesn't revolve around you" lesson? Surely he's used to other people having birthdays?

It won't be all day so spend the rest of the day celebrating your sons birthday then go celebrate his uncles.

In this house, especially at 9, the world most definitely revolve around you on your birthday!!! 9th birthdays aren’t the day for “lessons to be learned”!

Op - super special birthday breakfast for son. go for the 30th lunch. Leave and have a birthday night night for son.

Will be lovely.

Poptart4 · 30/09/2021 12:53

YABU

You can do both as others have said.

It sounds like you don't like the family and are looking for excuses not to go.

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2021 12:53

People will surely know your son has his birthday too especially BIL I'm sure they will bring cards or wish him happy birthday. You are sounding a little bit petulant just have his birthday present giving in the morning I'm sure you can work round it .

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 30/09/2021 12:54

@Summerbreeze4

I would definitely make it all about your son on his special day. Go to the zoo or cinema etc. 30 year old will cope with out you. I would decline along the lines of sorry we cant make that day as you know it’s …. Birthday and we have tickets for the zoo and a meal afterwards planned. Or might you even have his party that day. There is no way I would not focus the whole day on my child on his birthday.
But the op makes no mention of any plans she does have in place
gannett · 30/09/2021 12:54

Do you have to celebrate your son's birthday on the day itself?

As long as I can remember my birthday celebrations were on the nearest convenient day for everyone, or the nearest convenient weekend. That matters more than sticking rigidly to the exact day. (This year DP is taking me out for my birthday meal two months after my birthday - this is my doing, my diary was simply too rammed to do anything birthday-related any nearer.)

If you pick a day ahead of the family party then your son won't feel left out, and as PP have said it'll be a good life lesson in "other people have birthdays on this day too" and "sometimes important celebrations clash, but we can make the best of the situation".

I think it's pretty tough for a 9yo to be expected to spend their actual birthday celebrating someone else's. It sends a signal to the child that their uncle's birthday is more important.

It is not remotely tough and their uncle's birthday is neither more nor less important. Ridiculous thing to say.