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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 30/09/2021 12:54

30th birthdays are more of a thing than 9th. If you don't want to go, don't go but don't try to make the family choose. That's just mean.

Summerbreeze4 · 30/09/2021 12:55

My god there are some harsh nasty posts on here. The world absolutely should revolve around a 9 year old on their birthday its one day a year FFS. And as for taking up the large part of the middle of the day celebrating an Uncles birthday (it’s not a joint birthday celebration but a 30th celebration) and squeezing a bowling trip into the evening for a 9 year old when he’s tired and maybe younger siblings too. Op I would tell anyone with these suggestions to jog on.

rookiemere · 30/09/2021 12:55

YANBU surely there's room to celebrate both family birthdays at the same time. I'd find it odd if I was a guest and subsequently discovered that there was a 9 year old with a birthday on that same day and no mention or fuss was being made of it.

At the very least you should be allowed to bring along a cake for your birthday boy so everyone can sing Happy Birthday to him.

If it's a weekend though I'd just arrange your DS party for the same day so you can't come to Uncles celebration.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 30/09/2021 12:55

@Poptart4

YABU

You can do both as others have said.

It sounds like you don't like the family and are looking for excuses not to go.

This
Mrsjayy · 30/09/2021 12:56

Yes why can't you take a cake to lunch and his family can celebrate both ?

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 12:57

Your MIL wants to throw this party for her son, but you feel your MIL isn't very interested in YOUR son?

Brefugee · 30/09/2021 12:58

and you want to keep your DH away from his brother and family on a birthday that the BIL finds significant and wants to celebrate? meh.

LukeEvansWife · 30/09/2021 12:58

I share a birthday with my (now late) grandmother - I even went to school on my birthday if it fell on a school day.

Nothing wrong with a child learning that the entire world doesn't revolve around them even if it's their birthday. You can do both

Seesawmummadaw · 30/09/2021 12:59

You can do both. Take a cake for ds.

Have you got plans for your ds birthday?

Timeforachangetoday12 · 30/09/2021 12:59

I think it being a 30th does slightly change, you should really celebrate this birthday. Not taking it away from your son you can still celebrate your sons. He will open presents in the morning etc.
We have close birthdays so if my sister arranged something for her son I ask if it’s ok to bring a cake for my daughter (family events) and never had an issue same the other way!
I would have thought a 9 year would understand, that sometimes days are shared just nice to be together!

gannett · 30/09/2021 13:00

The world absolutely should revolve around a 9 year old on their birthday its one day a year FFS

Don't be so silly

smallybells · 30/09/2021 13:02

YABU!

Surely at 9 your son will be able to understand that they share a birthday, and he can have cake and presents in the morning and then uncles meal later on?!

I'm sure your DP will want to be at his brothers 30th too - which in England at least is a big birthday!

Of course your MIL wants to celebrate her sons birthday, and of course you want to celebrate your sons. The two aren't mutually exclusive!

MitheringMytryl · 30/09/2021 13:02

YABU. Organise something else for your son. It could even be on the same day.

If you don't want to go you should own that, rather than pretending it's because of your son.

Ijustreallywantacat · 30/09/2021 13:02

I really can't see why you can't do both...I actually had the same thing happen as a child. My 8th or something, uncles 40th. He had a big knees up in the town hall, I had special breakfast and a big fuss at home in the morning, then a little fuss at grannies the next week.

I survived.

Sirzy · 30/09/2021 13:05

Why can’t both be celebrated?

My dad and nephew have their birthdays on the same day. We manage to celebrate both without any issues. Sounds like your looking for issue when it doesn’t need to exist

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 13:06

Your 9 year old will probably find himself on the receiving end of a few sneaky fivers once guests hear it's his birthday too.

Nojobforoldmums · 30/09/2021 13:06

YANBU birthdays are very special when you are 9, and childhood runs out fast.

However I think what you should do depends on how close your relationship with BIL is, how physically near the party/lunch is (can you pop in for a bit), how much other family BIL has and how important this meal is to BIL.

AngelDelight28 · 30/09/2021 13:08

Surprised at these responses. Birthday parties are for kids IMO, that's when people are excited about birthdays...when you're an adult it's just a bit "meh", even the so called milestone birthdays. You're just a year older with no noticeable difference. When you're a kid being a year older is a big deal. I don't care much for my birthday now but as a 9 year old I'd have been gutted for my party to be a "family lunch" and for it to be a shared party with a 30 year old uncle.
Would your son be allowed to invite his friends? Will he have his own cake? That might make it better.

drspouse · 30/09/2021 13:09

Gosh, there's a lot of people here thinking that having an adult birthday party is just what children want to do on their birthday!
We have almost the exact same situation except it's my mum's 80th (which TBF is a big birthday), my DS 10th and he has SEN.
His birthday is on a weekend in the school holidays but back to school almost straight after and my DM is a 2 1/2 hour drive away.
He is unlikely to want a party (a) he's 10 and b) he doesn't really have friends) but will know it's his birthday (he's fairly obsessed with dates, he's 9 and into maths, not 3 unfortunately).
He won't enjoy a family lunch AT ALL as there will be too many people too much noise, and too much expectation to sit still 9he has ADHD).

We have told my DM that we are happy to celebrate with her and my DB and his family another day.
She has suggested I and DD (but apparently not DS) should come for the day another day basically so she can watch my teenage DNs play with DD like she is a doll.
I and DH have said there will be no day visits but I could come midweek for a grown up celebration or we could all come before Christmas or after her birthday for a family weekend.

Grownups can manage to celebrate their birthday on another day. Your DC comes first.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2021 13:10

You say it's never never been an issue before, so I assume this is just because it's a milestone birthday?

What time is the meal? Can you do presents and cards for DS in the morning / afternoon and then the next day (or next weekend day) will be "DS's" day? You can plan something nice.

Sounds like it's a one off so I'd suck it up.

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 13:10

Do you have to celebrate your son's birthday on the day itself?

Does the BIL? Maybe he could celebrate his on another day. People seem to think a 9 year old should understand so a 30 year old definitely should.

Children’s birthdays are always special, kids gets so excited.

If it’s not going to be a celebration for both birthdays and MIL wouldn’t make a fuss of your son, her grandson on his birthday, then I wouldn’t go, I’d go and do what my son wanted to do on his birthday.

Strange responses on this thread. Maybe a few self centred adults who didn’t get a fuss made on their childhood birthdays? I’m not sure what else would explain it.

lastrolo10 · 30/09/2021 13:12

YABU

I’m sure your son will be acknowledged. And I could see why you’d have an issue if this happened every year. But this is a special birthday and a once only it’s not as though he’s expected to be in shadow of uncle taking the limelight every year.

Sally872 · 30/09/2021 13:13

Yabu. My dc birthday falls on May Bank Holiday weekend. Many of their friends would be away so we celebrated a week early. Not a problem. Child had fun and was not bothered about not doing much on actual birthday.

Really easy to work around this if you want to.

Time40 · 30/09/2021 13:15

YABU. A 30th birthday is a special, milestone birthday. A 9th birthday isn't. There's no reason why you can't celebrate both birthdays anyway - just do something nice for your son when you get home.

SuperstarDog · 30/09/2021 13:15

I’m sure your son will be acknowledged.

His lovely that you are sure he will be ‘acknowledged’. OP has said,

My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked.

I wouldn’t be taking a chance of it ruining my child’s birthday. What sort of grandparent doesn’t make a fuss of their grandchildren anyway? Shit ones.

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