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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 17:29

@Askinvillarblues

So many over the top responses! How about the adults involved use their words and y’know, actually talk to each other. All this ‘MIL didn’t mention that it was my son’s birthday when she invited us’ angst - why on earth did no one say at that point ‘oh, it’s X’s 9th birthday that day too remember, can we do a cake or something for him at the party too?’ And presumably if it’s relatives who are coming, they would know already that it’s his birthday? Could OP ask MIL/BIL to remind them if she can’t do so herself? And I have twins so they are destined to share a birthday for evermore- they can cope perfectly well with that and even, shock horror, manage to have their main celebrations on a different day as their birthday falls on an awkward date that no one is ever available for. So much angst when just having a quick conversation with MIL or BIL could easily sort it out.
Short of having the entire party cancelled for BIL and being completely about the child, I somehow don't think the OP will be satisfied
Original poster
Headsup101 · 02/10/2021 17:38

@LukeEvansWife nah I’ll be fine with not going thanks. Thanks for your assumptions about me tho Smile

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 17:43

Genuine question - did he have a 21st?

Lockdownbear · 02/10/2021 18:09

[quote Headsup101]@LukeEvansWife nah I’ll be fine with not going thanks. Thanks for your assumptions about me tho Smile[/quote]
I bet if it was your sister who shared a birthday with your son you'd be there.

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/10/2021 18:19

[quote Headsup101]@LukeEvansWife nah I’ll be fine with not going thanks. Thanks for your assumptions about me tho Smile[/quote]
Valid enough assumptions, given your op...

wanttomarryamillionaire · 02/10/2021 18:25

All i can say is that after reading this thread I'm not surprised there are so many entitled children who think the whole world revolves around them! Its a milestone birthday for your bil , your son is more than old enough to understand and accept this. You could have presents and a special breakfast before you go out for bils lunch and do something special for your son afterwards. As for him understanding why bil is getting presents and not him, he's bloody 9 not 4!!!! You are being precious op.

JudgeJ · 02/10/2021 19:11

@ThreeLittleDots

Yanbu and I wouldn't want to go either, of course your son will be overlooked and it seems as if you'd mainly be attending out of obligation?
I actually think the contrary, if the family who the OP and her son don't see often know that it's also her son's birthday I'm sure he'll be fussed over. If the OP wants to sit there and say nothing then he won't, smple as that.
LifeIsEverchanging · 02/10/2021 19:39

First world problem
Wait till you have a real issue in your life. Wonder how you’ll cope then?

MindyStClaire · 02/10/2021 20:23

@LukeEvansWife

Genuine question - did he have a 21st?
I was wondering this, particularly with the age gap!

I think in most normal families there'd be a party for the 30th, happy birthday sung for the 9 year old, and a good time had by all.

I guess this one is all about the backstory.

LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 20:44

Because you can bet that his 21st was pushed to the back in favour of the new arrival

Kite22 · 02/10/2021 21:03

So many nasty gits on this forum who love throwing around YABU. I really wish MN would patrol these boards better, they turn into unprovoked assassinations.

What ???
Anyone who comes on to AIBU, is literally asking if they are being unreasonable. It is therefore totally up to each and every person who replies, to offer their opinion. The board isn't called "AIBU - but you are only allowed to answer I you don't think I am" Hmm
Holding a different opinion from someone else doesn't make anyone a "nasty git".

What a totally bizarre way to think.

Kite22 · 02/10/2021 21:08

@LukeEvansWife

And a nine year old is plenty old enough to understand that you have his party or whatever the day before, and on the day itself it's breakfast presents, a couple of hours at the party and then back home when you can concentrate every second of your attention on him
This ^

I know if I'd offered my 9 year old dcs a choice of :

a) celebrate your birthday either with just Mum and Dad / house family or with your school friends or however you are planning to make it special on the day of your birthday
or
b) celebrate your birthday either with just Mum and Dad / house family or with your school friends or however you are planning to make it special on the day before your birthday and go to a big family birthday party for Uncle, when you'll see Gran and Grandad and...{etc} , they would 100% choose the 2 celebrations over the one, every single time.

limitedperiodonly · 02/10/2021 21:15

I loved my mum but I wouldn't have wanted her to throw me a 30th birthday party or even an 18th or 21st.

Original poster
Headsup101 · 02/10/2021 21:17

@LukeEvansWife yes, he did have a 21st.

OP posts:
trama · 02/10/2021 21:17

YABU. A 30th is a one-off. I can't believe you think your MIL should have cancelled her holiday for your daughter's first birthday party, either. You seem to think everything in the wider family's life should centre around your children.

Flossieskeeper · 02/10/2021 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 02/10/2021 21:28

I'm really surprised by so many of the replies.

Birthdays are a big deal when you are very young.

There is absolutely no way I would have had my child celebrating his uncle's birthday for his birthday and I actually can't imagine anyone being so obtuse as to think it would be reasonable to do so.

My child having a special birthday would come yards ahead of a sibling celebrating a 30th.

And I wouldn't be apologetic for it either.

That his grandmother would even suggest it, says volumes.

OP, why do you anticipate a row?
Is your husband a twat?

GreyhoundG1rl · 02/10/2021 21:29

Obtuse? No.

limitedperiodonly · 02/10/2021 21:33

My family love each other but we don't go in for gatherings where everyone is expected to attend. Neither does my husband's but his brother's wife loves that sort of thing. She also insists on her children calling me Aunty Limited which was annoying when they were little - I said it was okay to call me Limited - but is now weird as hell that they are 23 and 20. It makes me feel I am 108.

My husband is excused from being called Uncle First-Name because my SIL presumably realises this makes him sound creepy. But we all have to conform when she is in our presence because she thinks it is "nice". I like my SIL but I really wish she wouldn't do it.

Kite22 · 02/10/2021 21:48

Obtuse ? Confused

Have you read any of the other posters thoughts ?
100% okay to think differently - all part of life's rich tapestry, but it is hardly obtuse to think a child might prefer two celebrations to one.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 02/10/2021 21:56

I think there are just some things you kind of have to do if you want to maintain good relationships and going to your BIL's 30th is one of them. Totally get where you are coming from though, of course your own sons birthday is more important to you.....

Lockdownbear · 02/10/2021 22:06

Obtuse- eh no!

People celebrate birthdays on different days for all sorts of reasons, work, school getting in the way, clash with Santa seems to be acceptable to move it 6 mths for that, other people's occasions weddings etc.

Really it's not that difficult to tell a 9 year old your having their birthday a day early because the next day your doing something else.

JudgeJ · 02/10/2021 22:12

@LifeIsEverchanging

First world problem Wait till you have a real issue in your life. Wonder how you’ll cope then?
FWP, the arrogant comment of the totally ignorant.
JudgeJ · 02/10/2021 22:14

@trama

YABU. A 30th is a one-off. I can't believe you think your MIL should have cancelled her holiday for your daughter's first birthday party, either. You seem to think everything in the wider family's life should centre around your children.
Isn't every birthday a 'one-off', unless your name's Sam Beckett??
LazySundayPlease · 02/10/2021 22:28

YANBU!

I totally wouldn't go. I have an 8 year old and there's no way I'd make him spend the majority of his weekend birthday celebrating someone else's!

If they really want you there, think the uncle is old enough to have it explained to HIM and he can have his big celebration the day before.