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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2021 14:03

SuperstarDog

Why are some people assuming that IL’s don’t intend to make a fuss of their grandson as well, when he’s at the family party?

“Cos OP said so.“

We’ll tbf that’s her assumption. It would indeed be weird if the entire extended family, that presumably knows it’s also 9 YO’s birthday, didn’t make a fuss of him too.

Sorry, just don’t understand the angst. He has his party with his friends in the morning then rounds it off with a nice family party with all of his relatives there.

mindutopia · 30/09/2021 14:03

I can't see why you can't have a party for your ds the day before/after or in the morning/afternoon depending on timing of the party, so he gets to see his friends. And then also attend BILs.

I would, however, expect that at a family party where two family members share the same birthday (especially if one is a child) that both birthdays are celebrated. It doesn't have to be a 'joint party' as BIL is obviously an adult. But I would expect people who are invited to be made aware and for some to bring presents for your ds, for him to have a cake, sing happy birthday.

Otherwise, it's a bit cruel. I wouldn't host a party for a friend and invite another friend with the same birthday and not acknowledge it in some special way.

8dpwoah · 30/09/2021 14:04

The BIL has had his childhood of having his birthday being the main one, as it should be, I'd prioritise your DS. Unless you can find a way of making the lunch fit in with what your DS would like (maybe he'd enjoy it?) But I wouldn't disrupt the child's birthday in favour of an adult having a vaguely significant one.

Mainly because I don't come from a family that doesn't do big celebrations past 21st, quiet things for 50th & 60th yes, that's probably colouring my judgement.

gannett · 30/09/2021 14:06

30th isnt a big deal and your child should always trump a bil anyway.

And for OP's husband? He's meant to forgo his brother's celebrations because it's apparently impossible to celebrate his son's birthday separately?

And as the DS is the 30th birthday boy's nephew it doesn't say much for him if he's happy to have a day that's all about him and ignore that it's a 9yo's birthday too.

Oh FFS not everything revolves around children. Sounds like a lot of your kids need to learn this important life lesson ASAP.

viques · 30/09/2021 14:08

I think your son is old enough to realise that an adult can have centre stage for their birthday, and that his can be celebrated on the day as well with his own cake, presents, cards etc etc . Next year your son will have his first 0 birthday and his wishes will trump his uncles celebration of his 31st.

You do realise that this issue will also come up in ten, twenty,thirty, forty , fifty years time?

Beautiful3 · 30/09/2021 14:08

I don't think it's a nice feeling for a child to share their birthday with another person. Your sons birthday should be about him. I'd plan stuff he wants to do and book it. I wouldn't go to bils birthday party. I'd.post a card though.

limitedperiodonly · 30/09/2021 14:09

Birthdays are a big deal when you're nine. By the time I was 30 I'd outgrown parties thrown by my mum especially if shared the birthday with my nephew and knew he'd be overlooked.

But my mum would have made more of a fuss of my nephew who was eight when I was 30 because he was a child, her grandson. I was her beloved daughter but a grown up and would have understood and frankly been grateful to dodge a family party. I can't think of anything worse.

AngelDelight28 · 30/09/2021 14:10

@gannett A child's birthday is the one day of the year when they're allowed to have everything revolve around them.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 14:10

I presume you haven't asked your son, OP? I hear that you want a quiet celebration at home but have you actually asked him? He might love attending a bit of a shindig with his uncle.

Chickychoccyegg · 30/09/2021 14:11

I wouldn't go to a birthday lunch, in this house the day revolves around the birthday child.
(Special breakfast, party in afternoon, take away or Special dinner in evening)
I'd maybe try and sell it to your ds as it being a fun way to spend his birthday though, getting to see all his family, get him a massive birthday badge, so everyone else knows it's also his birthday, maybe get a matching one for his uncle, and take a cake for ds along too (tell mil your doing this) , do something nice for ds afterwards, have his party day before or after/nearest weekend possible, it still can be a lovely birthday .
To the pp who said its a good opportunity to learn the world doesn't revolve around them, wtaf!!!!

Fink · 30/09/2021 14:11

YABU. I was born on a family member's birthday and I didn't get a birthday to 'myself' until I went away to uni. It was fine. I was able to grasp that it was another person's birthday as well as mine; we usually shared a cake and had a family meal. If I ever had any kind of children's party with friends it wouldn't be on the day itself (it would usually be on the next Saturday). I didn't collapse from a lack of attention or envy my siblings who had birthdays to themselves. The shared birthday relative died when I was in my mid-20s and ever since then I've felt like there's something a bit missing from my birthday celebrations, I got so used to them being shared.

Morgantowers · 30/09/2021 14:11

Your son is 9 and it's his special day. Not special hour after breakfast or a special tea at the end of the day. It's his whole birthday and he should choose what he does that day. Jesus I wouldn't give up my birthday day for anyone but a paid job.

Teaching him how to be kind to others can happen on the the rest of the year.

Wiredforsound · 30/09/2021 14:12

Uncle lunch 12-2.30
Sons birthday party 4-6

No reason you can’t do both. Just let your son know that the lunch is for the uncle and he will be celebrating with his friends and family later.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/09/2021 14:14

I agree that a child’s birthday trumps an adult’s but I don’t understand why you can’t have two parties in one day?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 14:14

YABU.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/09/2021 14:14

To the pp who said its a good opportunity to learn the world doesn't revolve around them, wtaf!!!!

Well to be fair you can ensure your kid still has a great day while also incorporating other plans. Sometimes plans change, that's life, and you can still have a great time even if it's different to what you originally envisioned.

Peoniesandpeaches · 30/09/2021 14:16

I share a birthday with a family member and the age difference is exactly the same - I was born on his 21st birthday. I know he resents the fact that I overshadowed his birthday a lot so I’d go and celebrate his 30th and make a fuss of him for the day and then do something separate for my son. At 9 he’s old enough to accept it and to understand that this is a special day for his uncle.

gannett · 30/09/2021 14:18

@Morgantowers

Your son is 9 and it's his special day. Not special hour after breakfast or a special tea at the end of the day. It's his whole birthday and he should choose what he does that day. Jesus I wouldn't give up my birthday day for anyone but a paid job.

Teaching him how to be kind to others can happen on the the rest of the year.

Then celebrate it on another bloody day.

The special thing is not the exact calendar date, it's the people around you making it a special occasion with a party/treats/gifts. Which are just as nice one week earlier or one week later. I do not understand this rigid thinking where you are shackled to the calendar and absolutely no deviation can happen from that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2021 14:18

Beautiful3

“I don't think it's a nice feeling for a child to share their birthday with another person“

Oh dear, that’s twins/triplets etc. scuppered then.
How on earth is it not “nice” ?

RNBrie · 30/09/2021 14:18

You're being too precious. My step grandmother in law's (!) 90th birthday was a few days before my dd's 9th birthday but her birthday lunch had been booked for the actual day of my dd's 9th birthday. Of course we went to the 90th birthday - I spoke to my step mother in law about it in advance and we agreed we'd do a cake for each of them and we sung happy birthday twice etc. It was bloody lovely and my 9 year old loved having all the family around. She had some friends over for a film and pizza another night and everyone was happy.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 14:19

When you say your son will be "overlooked", you mean "not be the centre of attention", right?
Well, he won't be, because it's someone else's birthday that day too...

gannett · 30/09/2021 14:19

And yes, the awareness that the world doesn't revolve around you is a life lesson a lot more people in this world could stand to have been taught as children. Might help stamp out some of the entitled CF behaviour that's so common. Nine is a perfect age to start learning this.

gannett · 30/09/2021 14:21

@RNBrie

You're being too precious. My step grandmother in law's (!) 90th birthday was a few days before my dd's 9th birthday but her birthday lunch had been booked for the actual day of my dd's 9th birthday. Of course we went to the 90th birthday - I spoke to my step mother in law about it in advance and we agreed we'd do a cake for each of them and we sung happy birthday twice etc. It was bloody lovely and my 9 year old loved having all the family around. She had some friends over for a film and pizza another night and everyone was happy.
According to an alarming amount of posters you should have sacked her off because she was a distant relative and called her a cunt for having the temerity to not bear your child in mind at all times when making her plans.
AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2021 14:21

@DifficultBloodyWoman

I agree that a child’s birthday trumps an adult’s but I don’t understand why you can’t have two parties in one day?
Or have a party for the son the day before or after. We used to always have our kids parties on the weekend regardless of what day their birthday fell. They still got a cake and presents on the actual day, it was never an issue
Tulips15 · 30/09/2021 14:23

@londonrach

Yabu. It's a 30th birthday not a 31st or 29th...it's a special birthday. Do both. Give presents to your son before going to celebrate his uncles special birthday.
agree
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