AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

[Headsup101]

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

*How lovely

Why hasn't the MIL made it a party for both of them?! Seems bizarre she doesn't want to celebrate her grandson as well as her son. I'd be fuming she hadn't asked you ages ago if she could throw a joint party as she was planning for her son. A kid's birthday is of course more important than an adults to the parents. A huge chunk of my family didn't come to my 40th as one of my sibling's children turned 18 the day after and they wanted to celebrate it all weekend like they always do (so do often miss my birthday celebrations as a result). A bit disappointing for me but understandable as their child is going to come before me always.

FabulousIAm

Why hasn't the MIL made it a party for both of them?!

Don’t suppose 30 and 9 year old’s share quite the same tastes by way of celebration 🤣

@Headsup101 - I tend to agree with the posters who have said you can celebrate both - presents and a special breakfast for your ds in the morning, go to the lunch for his uncle, then come home and do a family party in the afternoon.

You say that your MIL tends to overlook your ds - and I can understand completely why you find this hurtful - but I wonder whether your BIL is the same, or whether he would understand that, as it's your son's birthday too, he deserves to have some fuss made of him at his uncle's party. If you had a chat with him, he might be perfectly amenable to including your ds in his celebration - maybe they could both have cakes brought out at the same time, and Happy Birthday sung to both of them, for example.

Sure a milestone birthday like a 30th is special-ish. But it's not actually as special as a child's birthday is to a child. For my 40th, I took my DS, who was 6 and his friend, 5, to a Christmas event in the local shopping centre and that was a hell of a lot more special to both of them than me turning 40 was to anyone. Children live for this kind of thing. Only a 100th birthday is more special than a 9th.

@Auroreforet

Why is a 30th a big birthday? 21, 40 or 60 maybe. I would put a 9 year old first.

That’s bonkers! Why is 40/60 important but not 30?!

Quite shocked at the responses to be honest. A grown ass man's birthday comes before a child's? 🤔 30 isn't special, neither is 40, 50, 60.. every single birthday is special to a little boy though.

@MrsSkylerWhite

FabulousIAm

Why hasn't the MIL made it a party for both of them?!

Don’t suppose 30 and 9 year old’s share quite the same tastes by way of celebration 🤣

Never too old for a bouncyhouse - fact.

30th is a a big deal birthday for some adults, yes.
The thing is for a young child, every birthday is a big deal.
If the family were making it a joint celebration, fine. But it doesn't look like they are bothering so I'd not be risking spoiling my child's birthday and I'd expect family members to use the wisdom of their advanced milestone years to understand this.

Do your sons as sleep over, so he gets the whole of the day before, and Birthday Breakfast the morning off the day, If he isn't at school get all his friends to go have an all you can eat breakfast, plus a cake.
By the time he goes to his uncles, he will be birthdayed up.
Hopeful he will get some gifts, but can also take some of his new toys to play with...

I'd do both. Celebrate just us in the morning then on to the 30th.
I'd probably message all the family members saying it's X's birthday too so I'm going to bring a little cake for him.
Two birthdays, a big family shindig, sounds lovely.

You are not really being unreasonable - if you don't want to go to your BIL party then send a nice gift but stay home and celebrate your sons birthday.

Or

Do both, so son has a fuss made of him in the morning and then you go to BIL party lunch

Either way, I think your MIL is odd not to throw a joint party for both of them. I would never do that.

Yabu. I have a 9 year old who would definitely understand if I explained to them that presents were going to be given to someone else as it was their birthday too.

You can open presents on the morning of his birthday and even do your own cake/celebrations once you're home later. Use the day before or after to do something especially for him.

Plus @MrsSkylerWhite- it's a family get together so MIL would have to accommodate for kids anyway - it's not like it's an adults only party. Parents/grandparents don't go off an have their own birthday party and not include their kids do they, so surely the MIL would know that the party she is throwing needs to cater for children too?

Anytime I celebrate my birthday I of course have to make it child-friendly too otherwise the children would be bored off their teats. Don't all adults do this when they have family and friends with kids...?

YABU 8th birthday can be celebrated earlier and later in the day as well as party with friends the other weekend day. If my dc birthday falls in the week we celebrate one of the weekends.

Put yourself in BIL shoes. When you turn 30 or 40 or 50 do you think you should share your day with you 9yo nephew?

YABU.
Celebrate the Uncles birthday!
Your DS can do something on another day.

One of my kids shares with Gran and totally gets that it's not just his birthday. The other is the "weekend before Christmas" which ever day suits best!

Kids do get that now and then other things come before their birthday.

Well I’m on your side OP! In my family
Such a party would be for the adult AND the child! And there would be a cake and presents for each! And my child would be a happy to go. Childhood is pretty fleeting really, I don’t think that you are being precious in wanting your child to be made a fuss of on his birthday! If the party was going to be all about the uncle, and my child was expected to sit quietly and fade into the background and act as if it wasn’t
Their birthday, then we wouldn’t be going.

It's only lunch, you can celebrate your ds bday afterwards. Why would it be awkward, for whom?

I don't understand why any normal DGM wouldn't want to also celebrate her DGS 9th birthday.
The way some people have been describing it, it's a bit like poor DS would need to hide his birthday so as not to overshadow his fully grown uncle. Unless uncle has SN this is weird behaviour as both birthdays are important and both birthdays matter.
Sure main focus can be on Uncle but I'd suggest bringing cake for DS , if that's refused then I wouldn't go.

Birthday parties are for kids IMO, that's when people are excited about birthdays...when you're an adult it's just a bit "meh", even the so called milestone birthdays. You're just a year older with no noticeable difference.

Getting a year older isn't what makes adults excited about birthday parties. Getting to see their loved ones at a party someone's put on for them IS exciting at any age.

Does the BIL? Maybe he could celebrate his on another day. People seem to think a 9 year old should understand so a 30 year old definitely should.

Well this isn't an option is it? The 30th birthday party has been arranged and the whole family's been invited. Are you seriously suggesting OP asks her MIL to completely re-organise it? That's the height of entitlement.

OP's options are either to celebrate her son's birthday separately, which should not be a problem to anyone sane, or to throw a hissy fit and refuse to attend the big family party, which is the immature route (even more so if she prevents her husband from going to his brother's birthday).

Yabu. I was due on my brothers birthday and he was desperate for me to have the baby on that day so he could forever share it with someone he loves. It didn’t work out like that but if it had we would have had a lovely time joint celebrating for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t have to split attention, it can be shared. A 9 year old and a 30 year old will attract different attention on their bdays. I think your being a boy PFB.

rookiemere

“I don't understand why any normal DGM wouldn't want to also celebrate her DGS 9th birthday“

I don’t understand why any normal DM wouldn’t want to celebrate their adult child’s 30th 🤷‍♀️

Love our grandchild dearly, care for him regularly, get on like a house on fire with both of his parents and our daughter’s in-laws. It’s not my place to organise his birthday celebrations though, that’s up to his mum and dad.

YANBU, nothing sucks more as a child than going to celebrate someone else's birthday on your own birthday. I wouldn't go either.

Well this isn't an option is it? The 30th birthday party has been arranged and the whole family's been invited. Are you seriously suggesting OP asks her MIL to completely re-organise it? That's the height of entitlement.

MIL would have known it was her grandsons birthday whilst arranging it I’m sure. To not factor that in is the height of cuntish grandparent behaviour.

It could have included a celebration for both the 9 year old and 30 year old.

MIL would have known it was her grandsons birthday whilst arranging it I’m sure. To not factor that in is the height of cuntish grandparent behaviour.

Maybe she can pass this judgment on to the MIL, I'm sure calling her a cunt will solve the problem.

Or she can just give her head a wobble and celebrate her 9yo's birthday separately.