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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate son’s birthday instead of his uncle’s 30th?

371 replies

Headsup101 · 30/09/2021 12:34

My son and brother-in-law both share the same birthday. This has never caused any problems in the past, however this year my MIL wants to have a family lunch/party as it is BIL’s 30th. This will be on their actual birthday and will be with a lot of family that we don’t really see or are that close to.
My MIL doesn’t make a huge fuss of our kids and I feel our son (who will be 9) will be overlooked. Plus it will be awkward if people are bringing presents for BIL but not our son.
I’ve not mentioned this to my husband yet as can’t face an argument, but AIBU to want to celebrate our son’s birthday at home instead of with them?

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 02/10/2021 22:29

@LazySundayPlease

YANBU!

I totally wouldn't go. I have an 8 year old and there's no way I'd make him spend the majority of his weekend birthday celebrating someone else's!

If they really want you there, think the uncle is old enough to have it explained to HIM and he can have his big celebration the day before.

It's a few hours on one day - not even the whole weekend
LifeIsEverchanging · 02/10/2021 23:12

@JudgeJ
🤣

DerAlteMann · 02/10/2021 23:21

Sorry, why can't you do both?

Lockdownbear · 02/10/2021 23:41

@DerAlteMann

Sorry, why can't you do both?
That's what most people would do!

Good job he doesn't have a Christmas birthday. Cancel Santa, nobody is taking the spotlight from DS!

Feedingthebirds1 · 03/10/2021 00:30

Good job he doesn't have a Christmas birthday. Cancel Santa, nobody is taking the spotlight from DS!

Actually that's what can happen to a lot of children with Christmas Day birthdays. Their birthday is overlooked in the wider celebrations.

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 00:34

Actually many families with Christmas birthdays opt to celebrate the birthday on a different day.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2021 09:47

Every primary school child's birthday is a milestone to them and I'd put my DC over in laws who should be old enough to understand that and be more flexible about the actual day.

I think as long as my DC had a party or celebration with friends, and we made a big fuss of them, they'd be content if it was on the Birthday Weekend.

but We also have a birthday clash with in laws and I can appreciate OP's dilemma as I've sat through similar and it is really annoying. However, we can't change their behaviour, which as other pp have said is what is really the difficulty for OP so I understand why she had decided not to go.

It should be possible to make a fuss of DC and still meet up with BIL at some stage to give him a present and wish him well. As an adult, he's more likely to be able to manage his feelings and be flexible about it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/10/2021 09:49

Actually that's what can happen to a lot of children with Christmas Day birthdays. Their birthday is overlooked in the wider celebrations.
Overlooked how? It's a day of celebration, you can celebrate several things at the same time.

Do you mean they have to suffer the indignity of other people celebrating at the same time rather than being the sole focus of everyone's attention?
There are worse things.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/10/2021 12:36

@billy1966

I'm really surprised by so many of the replies.

Birthdays are a big deal when you are very young.

There is absolutely no way I would have had my child celebrating his uncle's birthday for his birthday and I actually can't imagine anyone being so obtuse as to think it would be reasonable to do so.

My child having a special birthday would come yards ahead of a sibling celebrating a 30th.

And I wouldn't be apologetic for it either.

That his grandmother would even suggest it, says volumes.

OP, why do you anticipate a row?
Is your husband a twat?

If you don't integrate with the wider family celebrations, making your own rules about what's special and what isn't, you (generic you) could find that the family don't care to fit in with your dictat and it will be your child who suffers your nonsense long term.

Best not to do that.

billy1966 · 03/10/2021 13:12

But wouldn't a year old would most likely prefer a birthday involving a special outing/party with their friends.

Celebrating THEIR birthday between 12-6 at their grandmother's home for a special lunch for a 30 year old would not be how a lot of 9 year olds would like to spend the day.

A teenager perhaps, but a young child I think not.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 03/10/2021 13:44

@LukeEvansWife

Because you can bet that his 21st was pushed to the back in favour of the new arrival
Are there really adults (particularly men) whose birthday would be spoilt because their brother had a baby that day?
LukeEvansWife · 03/10/2021 13:49

Depends. If he was supposed to be having a celebration (because even on MN people are apparently allowed to celebrate their 21st) and it was disrupted in some way by the arrival of his DB's baby then he would have a right to be pissed off.

Pythonista · 03/10/2021 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 13:51

Possibly you don't know what the family had planned for his 21st, family dinner or something been pushed aside as Granny wanted to see her DGC or something. Even if they did make dinner the conversation may well have been the new baby.

MIL is in a rotten position, she can't sell it as a joint party as I've no doubt DIL would be upset that her family aren't included.

It can be hard work and a PITA stuck in the middle of birthdays.

winnieanddaisy · 03/10/2021 15:00

I'd go but make sure that your son wears a giant happy birthday badge . The guests will feel so bad that they haven't got him a present that he will collect lots of ten pound notes . Guilt money . Smile

Kite22 · 03/10/2021 17:16

@billy1966 All 9 yr olds I've ever known, would rather do both. Surely all of us - yes, including children of 9 - understand that most people don't get to do an outing or party or whatever on the actual day of our birthday - statistically is likely to be a school / work day.
No 9 year old of my acquaintance would struggle with the concept of a positive parents saying "Ooh, how lovely, Gran's arranged for everyone to get together at her house on the actual day - do you remember it is Uncle Bob's birthday too? So we'll be seeing all the family that day and will also be able to celebrate your birthday a second time on the Saturday (or following week or whatever) with your friends.
All my dc rather liked having "3 birthdays"..... the actual morning in the house with presents from us, wearing a badge round school during the day and a cake and candles with the house family that night. Then tea party type thing with grandparents and local aunts and uncles either the weekend before or the weekend after. Then their 'party with friends' again, either the week before or the week after to fit in with the rest of life. What's not to like about extending your birthday?

Kite22 · 03/10/2021 17:19

Are there really adults (particularly men) whose birthday would be spoilt because their brother had a baby that day?

I was talking to an 84 year old friend, who was telling me just about a week before this thread started, that his 21st birthday party celebrations had been cancelled because his niece had been born Grin
I mean, I don't think he was still holding a grudge, Wink but it clearly happened to him, and he clearly thinks about it now and then - I guess his Mum had arranged something and then got called away to her dd giving birth to the first grandchild.

scarpa · 03/10/2021 18:00

@limitedperiodonly

You're all fucking weird. When I was 30 I would not have wanted my mum to throw a birthday party for me. I didn't even want one at 18 or 21. I wanted to go out with my friends. Birthday parties are for children or 90-year-olds who are too weak to resist.
AHAHA this is exactly how I feel about birthday parties.

Also, OP: She is the kind of MIL who arranged to go on holiday on her only granddaughter’s 1st birthday (if that makes me sound precious, so be it).

Assuming someone would organise their holiday dates around a birthday party for a baby who isn't old enough to know what a birthday is more than a bit precious, yeah!

Trisolaris · 04/10/2021 17:49

My birthday is at the beginning of the summer holidays so:

I left primary school on my birthday
I went to other people’s birthday parties (all the summer kids held them before everyone went away) on my birthday
I graduated on my birthday and then went to a graduation party

So from someone who has been the kid in this situation, it was totally fine. I knew it was my birthday and we celebrated that but sometimes other things happened on the actual day too. I often had my party on a different day as well. I never felt like people didn’t care.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/10/2021 18:17

You’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t make my kid spend his 9th birthday celebrating an adult’s birthday.

Kite22 · 04/10/2021 18:34

When I was 30 I would not have wanted my mum to throw a birthday party for me. I didn't even want one at 18 or 21. I wanted to go out with my friends. Birthday parties are for children or 90-year-olds who are too weak to resist.

When I was 30 (or 18 or 21 or 50 or any other age, tbh) I was perfectly capable of arranging to go out with friends and I still enjoy meeting up with extended family. Nothing wrong with using the 'hook' of someone's birthday to arrange a family get together. It doesn't mean you all need candles on a cake and paper hats to wear, it is just a nudge "Oh, we haven't all got together recently, let's do something this month for Kite's Birthday {or Kite's Mum's birthday, or Kite's ds's birthday or whoever happens to have the closest birthday to use for the 'hook'}"

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