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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

224 replies

Thegrinchinseptember · 29/09/2021 14:18

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/09/2021 14:21

I don’t think your doing her any harm but I do think over the next year it will probably benefit her to spend some time in the care of others so it’s not a massive shock to her when she does start school

Homemadearmy · 29/09/2021 14:22

Each to their own. I didn't send my dd until just before she turned 4. She did a term of part days to prepare her for school. She was very shy as a child. And at 19 she is still as shy. But I don't think sending her to school earlier would have made a difference

Oldandcobwebbed · 29/09/2021 14:22

Honestly I think it depends on the child if we ignore practicalities like those who need childcare.
Some children benefit from extra time at home, others benefit from time in a different setting. Preschools can help give children experiences people can't give at home, a whole range of interactions and independence, time with peers etc

I wouldn't judge you for not wanting to use childcare but equally you shouldn't assume that people who do don't "actually want to be with their child" and might actually be doing what's right for them

StayOrGoOrWhat · 29/09/2021 14:23

Well it works both ways, you sound like you’re judging them with ‘I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work’.

Your details about how long it took to have your baby, while very sad with a lovely ending, is irrelevant because it doesn’t mean you love your child any more than those who didn’t struggle to conceive.

Whatever words for each individual is absolutely fine. I don’t think you are wrong to not send your child but I do believe they get a lot from being in a nursery setting, getting prepared for school and starting to do things independently from their parents.

Blossomandbee · 29/09/2021 14:23

You're not damaging her no, but I really think they need to have experienced time away from you in that final year before school. The activities you do are great, but it's not the same as being left at a pre school/nursery setting, which will give her the skills to cope with school. It also gives her some time to develop her own friendships and independence away from you. You don't have to send her every day or all day, even a few hours a week would do her good.

crazyguineapiglady · 29/09/2021 14:24

Most 3 year olds benefit from a bit of preschool, so unless you think she wouldn't benefit, I would let her go for a couple of mornings.

You will still have plenty of time with her, but it's good to think about what is best for her too.

Bobsyer · 29/09/2021 14:24

Well you’re judging them right back so I guess it evens out in the end.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 14:25

I don't think you're damaging her by keeping her home but I would recommend ensuring she gets plenty of interaction with children her own age.

Hakunapotato · 29/09/2021 14:26

I do think nursery is beneficial for children. They’ve not openly said anything and are allowed to think what they like. You are judging them too.

Yummymummy2020 · 29/09/2021 14:26

Nah it’s not at all weird! Mine will go to pre school right before school, to prepare for school but I will mind them at home as long as I can afford to!

SheABitSpicyToday · 29/09/2021 14:27

Nothing wrong at all. Equally nothing wrong with what your friends are doing.
Mines a very end of august baby and she absolutely thrived being in nursery and interacting with the older kids.

NavigationCentral · 29/09/2021 14:27

I think this is a very balanced situation actually. They are judging you, and you are judging them.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 29/09/2021 14:27

Mother’s sadly judge other mothers, if you do things a different way they seem threatened and see this as you criticising them

Stay strong, perhaps look for some different mum friends, where I am most mums have children later and do just as you are doing so it’s very much community dependent

Daisyandroses · 29/09/2021 14:27

I send DD who is 3, to nursery 4 days a week while I am on maternity leave.

Everyone’s situation is different. You sound like you are judging them too.

I have friends who have 3 year olds and haven’t done nursery/ pre school yet. I couldn’t care less! They are just doing what they think is best for their family. I’m secure enough in my own choices to not criticise theirs.

leakymcleakleak · 29/09/2021 14:28

Given that nobody has even said it to you, you're just picking it up, then yes I think you're being v unreasonable to categorise it as 'pressure.'

In all honesty, I think most children from 3-4 do benefit hugely from more structured play opportunities. I think its all about having them in the right setting. I don't really understand why you wouldn't put her somewhere 15 hours a week: I think its pretty clear that would be for her benefit, not yours. I have a just-turned-3 year old who is in fulltime (though given we both WFH and can stagger it that's actually slightly less than 9-5) and she comes home buzzing every day, with the games she's played, the songs she's learnt, telling me all kinds of things it would never have occurred to me to do with her. I can 100% say that if I won the lottery tomorrow and gave up work I would at a minimum have her in half days.

Its not an issue to want to keep her home with you, but I also don't think you can say its just for her benefit. Which is fine. Like you say, its only another year. But if she'll be young starting and she goes in with absolutely no experience of being with a group of children her own age all day, it might be more abrupt for her than doing it gradually.

ParkheadParadise · 29/09/2021 14:29

Dd2 is an only child, I'm a SAHM. I sent her to nursery because I felt it was good for her to mix with other children and she would settle at school better. She loved nursery, she was off as soon as we arrived. Plus she knew the other kids when they started school.

Myfilterisbroken · 29/09/2021 14:29

Everyones different, as a teacher Im presuming you arent concerned about your dd going straight into reception? As a mum of a 20 year old, it goes so quickly!

shouldistop · 29/09/2021 14:31

Why are you feeling judged if they haven't said it out loud? It sounds like you're the one judging them tbh.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 29/09/2021 14:31

YANBU

TheKeatingFive · 29/09/2021 14:31

I’m not sure why you’re so surprised at people judging you when you’re doling it right back.

People have different views. Personally by 3 I’d be keen on some nursery time for the child’s own sake, but she’s your child and you get to make the decisions 🤷‍♀️

3scape · 29/09/2021 14:32

Not everyone's life works for everyone else. I'd avoid the conversation, quietly get on with enjoying my own life

DeepaBeesKit · 29/09/2021 14:32

I do think in the year before school it can be good for most children to attend somewhere that is drop and go, to get used to being away from mum, being in a different routine, fitting into a group of children and following the rules.

Most preschools etc will have a maximum of 8 children per adult and many will be more like 6, it's much easier for children to adapt to this in a smaller environment than joining a big busy school of 300+ children with 30 children in the class.

JustDanceAddict · 29/09/2021 14:33

To socialise and make their own friends! My DS still has friends he met in school nursery but weren’t in same classes through primary school.
Each to their own & if your dd goes to groups and sees other kids it’s not a big deal.

CanICelebrate · 29/09/2021 14:34

Your thread title is goady.

Sending their child to nursery or preschool didn’t mean that these parents don’t want to spend time with their children!

Preschool can be really good for children and I’m sure that people you know are making their decisions in the best interest of their child bit because they don’t want to spend time with their child. (But then I think you probably know that already!)

SylvanasWindrunner · 29/09/2021 14:35

Sounds like judging on both sides!

DD has been going to nursery since she was 18 months or so and she absolutely loves it and thrives there. I also like spending time with her and we do loads together as she's only in two days, so we have plenty of time to do other things.

It's just an individual thing - no one loves their child more or is a better parent because of it. Every child is an individual, every parent is an individual. You do what you think is best and they do the same. That's it, really.