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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

224 replies

Thegrinchinseptember · 29/09/2021 14:18

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

OP posts:
toocold54 · 29/09/2021 17:40

I think it’s whatever’s best for her and not you.

It does seem so young to be going to school all day but they’re not sitting there doing hard labour, they’re playing all day with their friends, painting, drawing, reading stories, playing shops and with teddies etc so it’s just a full day of fun and socialising.
Yes that means less time with you so you might feel a bit lonely but she will be happy.

Wagglerock · 29/09/2021 17:55

It's not a competition, no one's a better mum because they take their kid to forest school instead of putting them in pre school for the day.

My 3yo goes part time, he loves it - he's learnt so much in a short time plus a load of soft skills that would have taken an age for me to teach him but peer pressure is sometimes great. We'd probably spend more on activities across a week if he wasn't in nursery so it saves money too. He gets to meet more children from lots of different backgrounds too which helps him learn how other people live. Plus some days he's a massive pain in the arse and I'm delighted that someone else has to deal with him instead of me 😂

ajja2021 · 29/09/2021 18:01

For me, I wanted DS to have social interaction as he was a lockdown baby. I'm a full time student though so I'd of needed childcare.

Dreambigger · 29/09/2021 18:04

Apart from your DD getting experiences outside home and getting more confident away from you when she does have to go to school it will be less of a shock to you if you have left her for a few hours. Of course we are all pleased to see them start school and enjoy their next steps but it can be a difficult time as a parent as its the end of an era and can leave you feeling a bit lost.. so getting used to them being away for a few hours a day is good. Finding hobbies/ time for yourself and enjoying it is also important. I would consider sending her after Xmas if possible.

itsgettingwierd · 29/09/2021 18:06

Some people never send their child to childcare or school. They homeschool.

What's right for 1 isn't right for another.

namechangetheworld · 29/09/2021 18:08

I'm a SAHM and sent my eldest (also a July baby) to pre-school one morning a week from around two and a half. She then did three mornings once her free hours kicked in. It did her the world of good, especially since she was an only child at the time.

There's only one child in her class (now year 2) who didn't attend nursery or pre-school at all. You can definitely tell - he's incredibly clingy at the school gates, even now.

namechangetheworld · 29/09/2021 18:11

I completely agree that a SAHP sending their children to full time nursery is odd behaviour though. I would judge, and won't pretend otherwise.

TheKeatingFive · 29/09/2021 18:12

I don’t think any SAHPs are sending their kids to full time nursery though.

Aren’t the mums in question working?

WimpoleHat · 29/09/2021 18:18

@namechangetheworld

I completely agree that a SAHP sending their children to full time nursery is odd behaviour though. I would judge, and won't pretend otherwise.
I know someone who did this. She was pretty obviously really struggling with motherhood; certainly had some sort of mental health crisis/PND. Her DH was a high earner, could afford it and it got the family through a really tough time. Why would it bother anyone else?
namechangetheworld · 29/09/2021 18:22

The OP said the women were wealthy and didn't need to work. I presumed that meant they were SAHMs.

TheKeatingFive · 29/09/2021 18:23

I thought they were working despite being wealthy enough to not ‘need’ to

Holskey · 29/09/2021 18:30

@namechangetheworld

I completely agree that a SAHP sending their children to full time nursery is odd behaviour though. I would judge, and won't pretend otherwise.
Do you think full time nursery is worse than staying with a parent then? Is that why you'd judge them?
Straighttalking1 · 29/09/2021 18:34

Not at all damaging her. Given your circumstances, it's understandable that you want to enjoy your time with your daughter. Send her to nursery to socialise at 4 to prevent any separation issues and ignore them.

Auntycorruption · 29/09/2021 18:42

I do think you child needs to attend some sort of group setting (pre school or nursery) without you before reception.

As she's a July birthday you could do that sept 2022 and defer reception until sept 2023?

HaveringWavering · 29/09/2021 18:43

@Learnthroughplay3

Please don't conform, I felt exactly the same as you I really struggled with listening to all that rubbish, I have educated myself on what is actually right for a child, throwing them into any child care including school is conforming to a system that isn't right, our society has taught us its the norm but that is why there are so many mental health problems, we now home educate they socialise way more than they ever could in school I could go on and on happy to answer any questions
Do you teach punctuation in your home ed classes?
Rosesareyellow · 29/09/2021 18:47

@Holskey

I don’t think that’s what was meant.
I wouldn’t judge someone for taking up their 15 hours - often working out as half days. I think by ‘full time’ the pp meant all day everyday, like school hours or the 30 hours working parents receive as childcare. Many do so because they work, my three year old is in a childcare setting 4 days a week. I agree it would be an odd thing to if you’re a SAHP to a pre-school child.

AlthoughTheyFlyByJumboJet · 29/09/2021 18:51

Either way works fine. I'd just do what you feel is best for you and your child and let others think what they will.

TwinsandTrifle · 29/09/2021 18:54

I think it’s whatever’s best for her and not you.

This. You don't want to be away from your daughter, who would likely benefit from the social aspects of a nursery setting. I appreciate you're PFB after the difficulties conceiving, but you haven't got a better bond or love your child more because of this.

DTwins are nearly two and starting their settling in sessions next week. I am SAHM. I will miss them, but the priority is not about me not wanting to cut the apron strings. It's about what I feel is best for them.

Talktalkchat · 29/09/2021 19:05

No it’s great.

I won’t ever have children
But it sounds lovely

pi1ar · 29/09/2021 19:06

Hi OP. First of all, don’t sorry about any if this. All my kids are 12 upwards now and I’ve always been a SAHM. Just before they were about 3, I signed them up for a morning nursery. It was only 9.15 until 12 and three mornings a week. If they didn’t want to go (which with 2 of them was quite common), I just didn’t take them. I did t see what they were doing in the nursery that was so amazing, to be honest. At times U felt it was a glorified holding institution, branded as “socialisation.” My kids always has loads of friends.anyway and rarely a day went by when they didn’t see friends. I used to take them to music groups and Tumble tots and all those type of things. In the nursery, there was always someone screaming and it makes for a stressful atmosphere. Also, they never wiped the kids noses which didn’t exactly help with the appeal of the place. So just do what you feel is best. My kids are now 12, 14, 16 and 18 and what they got out of nursery was nothing whatsoever.

Holskey · 29/09/2021 19:19

[quote Rosesareyellow]@Holskey

I don’t think that’s what was meant.
I wouldn’t judge someone for taking up their 15 hours - often working out as half days. I think by ‘full time’ the pp meant all day everyday, like school hours or the 30 hours working parents receive as childcare. Many do so because they work, my three year old is in a childcare setting 4 days a week. I agree it would be an odd thing to if you’re a SAHP to a pre-school child.[/quote]
My little one isn't in full-time nursery and I wouldn't want him to be (so I'm lucky that's a choice I have).

I'm just asking why you and PP don't thing sahp should have their dc in full-time. Genuine question.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 29/09/2021 19:43

Sorry I think a 3yo would really benefit from it. I get that you want to spend the time with her but it's more because you want to than thinking it's what's best for her.

julieca · 29/09/2021 20:30

@pi1ar I worked in a nursery and agree with you. There is lots of research that from about 3 years old children really benefit from interaction with other children. But that does not have to be in a nursery. It can be regular classes, playgroups, kids of friends and family.

RobinPenguins · 29/09/2021 20:36

I'm a bit "each to their own" on this, but I would add, it will become harder to make sure she spends time with other children a similar age this year. I worked 3 days a week when dc1 was preschool aged, and I didn't want to send him to preschool on the other 2 days I had off. (He was in a nursery for 3 day.) But by the January of that school year there were virtually no 3 rising 4s at any of the groups we'd go to, and none at all after Easter.

I would agree with this. DD is 3 nearly 4 and goes to a private nursery but is at home with me on a Wednesday. On her day with me there are no longer any groups or classes that I’d take her to as she’s much older than all the other kids there, all the ones her age are now at school nursery. Same with the children who tend to be at the playground during school hours, all younger than 3. That doesn’t bother me as it’s only 1 day a week and we usually have plenty of errands to run as well as swimming lessons, but if I was trying to provide adequate opportunities to spend time with her peer group every day I think I’d struggle.

Dora33 · 29/09/2021 20:50

Sounds like you are the only one doing judging. Based on how you are taking peoples comments here as being to get at you, maybe you are reacting the same to your friends.

I sent all mine to playschool despite only working when 2 of them were small.
While it was easier for me to get things done while they were at playschool, the main reason I sent them was for them to mix and play with other children of a similar age.
Mine benefited loads from these hours and loved being with their friends. Some of these children, they are still friends with years later.
Make sure you do what's best for your child and if that's staying at home with you, then great.