What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

No child is ever going to find it plain sailing to separate from mum. Its a question of degree and supporting them with it, as to whether to press on with it or leave it and try again later .

Each to their own. I think there’s a happy medium to be had.

Sending a 3 year old 9-5, 5 days a week when you don’t work isn’t something I would do.

Not sending a 3 year old to any kind of nursery when it’s funded, is equally not something I would do.

Must people sit in between these two polar opposites. Surely bring a teacher though, you realise how impossible socialisation is etc?

Try a play group 10am to 11.45am, 3 days a week and back home for lunch and afternoon out or at home. For one academic year before reception x
That's what I did.

Is it two academic years until your DC is in reception? Absolutely no need to two years of nursery.

It's become the norm to send them, because of the govt free places but as a teacher (like me) you know how unnecessary it is. Reception kids who've been home with parent until school tend to be smarter. There are ed journals on it somewhere. I did a 5000 word essay on it years back.

It's similar to the no feeding before 6m argument. Deferring to the lowest common denominator.

Remember reception year is not compulsory either. School starts officially at Year 1. (Reception is to teach them to line up / school procedures.)

And no one ever says that a child should not be with a nanny, and should instead be in a nursery.

OP by my second child I cared less what other people thought and did my own thing.

The first daughter I felt obliged to send her to nursery. She was ok. She has always been more sociable from birth so she enjoyed a few hours there.

The second I thought let’s try the new expensive nursery everyone was raving about - she was given fish fingers as the staff thought that was vegetarian (she hadn’t ever eaten meat). She got injured and they didn't notice. She wasn’t interested in art activities however much it was offered which the nursery seemed to be very keen on. Even at 3 she articulated very well what was wrong with the place and we didn’t go back after 1 day. She was a summer birthday as well but by 4 in reception she could read and do maths at year 2 level. I hadn’t hot-housed her, just gone with what she enjoyed and played games etc. I look back and these are my happiest years. It was a bit boring for me sometimes but she started educationally at a high level and maintained that through school. At 17 she is very happy in her own company and with people. She is not good at using scissors and can’t cut out neatly. I reckon she might be better if I had done lots of cutting out with her when she was little like they seemed to at nursery. But that’s the only thing I can possibly think was better.

With one child I would have felt exactly the same as you - but just enjoy this age and her - it goes past too quickly. Sounds like you are doing everything right.

Don't worry about what other people do or may think. Your dd will be absolutely fine -as you say this time passes very quickly and you won't get it back. She is also very young for her year group so it makes perfect sense for you to keep her at home with you for a little longer.

I wonder if other parents really are disapproving or whether you are imagining it - or if something of both is going on. There is so much pressure on parents these days that everyone is overly aware of other parents' choices. It may be that some of your friends would love to keep their dcs at home longer but can't afford to (or feel social pressure not to) and your choice is making them doubt themselves. You are clearly also doubting yourself because their choices are different.

As someone with dcs in late teens and early twenties I can honestly say if your dd gets to adulthood comfortable with who she is and hopeful for the future that is a triumph. If she has a good relationship with you and dp then better still.

Look after your dd as you and your dp think best. Don't judge other parents and if you feel judged by your friends try to rise above it. Good luck!

Having to constantly justify your own parenting choices to make others feel more secure about theirs is exhausting.

I agree it totally depends on the child, the parent, the home life, the finances etc. My first child loved nursery, my second would rather be at home with me. My first I needed the break, my second I don’t.

The number of times I get asked ‘what do I do with myself all day?’ Or get warned that my brain will turn to ‘mush’ because I don’t work full time. Or that my child will be clingy, insecure, have trouble when they go to school. It is tiring. Especially when I don’t feel the need to question their decisions.

You do you and I’ll do me.

It sounds like it has more to do with how they wish they had the opportunity to be with their children more rather than the actual situation

It clearly doesn’t because the people OP is talking about don’t work.

Children are more secure when theyve been with parent to reception. Less clingy, less insecure, less trouble, more secure.

Not just in my experience. There are studies in it.

each to their own

@Embroidery

Children are more secure when theyve been with parent to reception. Less clingy, less insecure, less trouble, more secure.

Not just in my experience. There are studies in it.

Excellent!

Would you like to provide a couple of references to peer-reviewed publications from reputable sources, that demonstrate these causal linkages between 1) cause: children staying with a parent until starting school and 2) demonstrable effects on measures of attachment, security, delinquency, and other outcomes? We can then get started on discussing the evidence. I am very curious about such evidence, and particularly about the frameworks, funding sources and contexts behind the evidence.

It's become the norm to send them, because of the govt free places but as a teacher (like me) you know how unnecessary it is.

I’m a teacher too and feel the same. My DS isn’t at home with me, he’s with a childminder three and a half days a week. I sometimes feel a bit like OP in that I feel like people wonder why he’s not at nursery instead - because I get asked a lot ‘when is he going to nursery?’. He is going to nursery in January because we happen to be moving and I’ll be on mat leave so logistically it’s made more sense. For going to work, staying with the childminder worked better for me and DS is happy and thriving with her and I would have been happy keeping him with her until September under different circumstances.. My childminder is great, has early years training just like a nursery worker would have and regularly meets up with other childminders with children of DS’s age. Many people I know started sending their DCs to nursery when they were two for a day or two, not for childcare but more to socialise which is fair enough - but I think there is a misconception amongst parents that it’s a necessity in order to make their child school ready and more clever even.

It's fine, I wouldn't judge you.

In return, could you please not judge us mums who have had to (or chose to) send their children to nursery.

It just sounds like you need some stronger boundaries around how much you let other people's opinions make you feel.

While you are working on those just smile say "this is what works for us right now" and leave it at that.

It's possible that you are triggering a feeling of being judged for not spending more time with their own kids in the other mothers. But that's for them to deal with not for you to worry about.

I think that the current idea of nursery being beneficial for children is very odd. Nursery is child care. Most people use it for this reason but now there seems to be the idea that it’s superior to being at home with a living parent. It’s not. One to one is always better and more reassuring for the child. I brought my kids like this and we went to mum and toddler groups every day, other paid for groups and my eldest started school (with zero tears or stress) at almost five. The ones who were crying were the kids with separation anxiety due to being removed from their parents when they weren’t ready for that. I’m a feminist and I worked evenings and weekends (when my husband parented our kids) so they’ve seen both of us work in and out of the home. It’s been hard but I’m glad we’ve done it. They are only little for long. Why wouldn’t you cherish that time if you can afford to?

You’re being very judgemental.

My DD attended nursery from age 1 - it doesn’t mean I don’t love her!

You should send child to nursery as I will be completely honest the kids that didn’t go were generally both emotionally and academically behind their peers. They were also generally much naughtier. Their parents were professionals too.

I’m not sure all that backstory about infertility etc is really necessary. I struggled to conceive and will never have another child either, but I don’t think that makes me care more about my child that someone who got pregnant first try.

@NavigationCentral you sound guilty

I don't think it's a bad thing to want to have her at home with you. I do think it will come as a huge shock to her age 4 to be going to school 5 days a week 9 until 3 if she's had no experience of other settings, routines etc

However, do what you want and if you want to keep her at home with you then do it. It won’t make any difference either way. Just don’t make out it’s because you love her more than other parents love their children, FFS.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0141076820903494

I think that the current idea of nursery being beneficial for children is very odd. Nursery is child care.

I wouldn’t class a nursery school that’s open 9-3 term time only as childcare.

I don’t know why they feel that their opinion is even necessary
Maybe they feel guilty
Either way shrugging off unwanted advice is a life skill !

I think that the current idea of nursery being beneficial for children is very odd.

It’s not really current. I went to nursery from 3 (ie the year before primary school) in the 80s, as did virtually all the children who went into Reception with me, whether their parents worked or not. School nurseries have been a thing for a long time.

I don’t know why they feel that their opinion is even necessary

They don’t.

This is based on ‘looks’ apparently