What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

your child, your choice; their kids their choice.

So everyone who is wealthy should give up their job and not send their child to nursery?

Just because they didn’t have IVF, and choose to go to work doesn’t mean they love their child any less.

You sound more judgemental of them.

Personally I would love to have the option of spending more time with my daughter rather than work, but needs must.

Me too.

@Thegrinchinseptember

Why does the wealth matter? I'm not sure why you are putting so much emphasis on it. Surely the point is that these people and you have made the decision based on what they think is right for their children rather than finances?

Obviously it matters in reverse eg people that have the decision forced by finances

Leaving the judging aside (and you do read like you're judging).

Preschool teaches them things you just can't, just as school will, and it's good preparation so they find school easier.

Lining up to go in or for a snack.
Sitting quietly with their classmates for a story, whether they're in the mood or not.
Sharing and taking turns (obviously you can work on this one at home).
General rule following etc.

You said in your OP that they haven't said anything to you. And now you claim they're looking down on you. Which is it?

Even if they don't work, perhaps they have other commitments (volunteering, caring for elderly relatives, hobbies to help with their mental health) that you're not aware of. But really, they don't need a reason. And it doesn't mean they love their kids less.

@shouldistop They haven’t said anything directly, but it’s most definitely implied by the shock on their faces etc, I never realised it was such a big deal

I get the impression no one has outright said they are judging you, but you appear to be judging them.....

@Thegrinchinseptember
Ok they are judging you, although they may also come from a place of concern re: you being with your child 24/7 and your child not being ready for school nursery.

Equally you are also judging them. Your post might be about them specifically but it will hit a nerve with every woman who does work as you imply that you are somehow a better person for wanting to (& being able to) be with your child all the time.

@Honey478 They don’t work?!

The 15hr provision for those who don't need childcare is about right for the child. They get time to interact with peers and learn how to make relationships with other adults but still have lots of quality time at home. Young children make relationships and friendships at any point when they start nursery but they most enjoy being with their peers over the age of three. If you don't want to send your child now, given they have only just turned three then it could be something to revisit and consider after Xmas when they are a little older.

There is certainly no harm in keeping them home until they start school so long as they are confident with skills such as getting dressed and toileting independently.

So they looked a bit shocked? That's their crime.
They probably looked shocked because it's unusual not to send your child to nursery when they're 3. Every child I know has gone and at that age they do benefit from part time anyway.
Looking shocked is hardly questioning your parenting choices or looking down on you like you are them.

They haven’t said anything directly, but it’s most definitely implied by the shock on their faces etc

Personally I think people often act this way when they're not entirely happy or comfortable with their own decisions on some level.

Also what’s the cut off point for ‘wealthy’?

I know women who choose to work so they can pay for private education for their children, cover all uni costs, give them a deposit for a house, etc, etc.

@Thegrinchinseptember
Sure for most people The decision is financial but lots of people send their children because of the benefits.

It's a bit like going to work, lots of people don't have a choice, I don't have a choice but even if I did win the lottery tomorrow. I would want to work for a few days a week for the stimulation, interaction etc

If she's an only, she'd probably benefit from more time around other children.

Ok this post has been turned on me as if I’m the bad one, I was just feeling upset as an trying to do what I think is the best for us, definitely don’t mean to judge anyone else.

Thank you for the comments

Mine did mornings at nursery for two years and I was a SAHM of an only.
I did it for her.

If you want her at home, keep her at home, it definately wont do her any harm.
Your child, your choice.

I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work

I don't think they are the ones judging OP? You've said several times they haven't said anything directly to you and the judgement is all implied by the look on their faces. But you talk a lot about how wealthy they are and don't need to send them and the implication is very judgy, coupled with your opening post

Everyone is different. You don't need to justify it to them but, equally, I'd Stop the faux naivety that 'but they don't even work????' 🙄

My dd (3) goes to preschool 2 days a week. I'm not wealthy and am not working at the moment but have prioritised this as something I believe is best for her. I really miss her when she's not here, but she gets so much out of it. I think only you know what is best for you and your family, but the same also goes for everyone else.

I think it’s important for children to find their own feet away from mum before they start school.

They need to learn to be comfortable around people without mum there. Also, they behave differently when mum isn’t around.

Space is important for child and mum.

Do what you feel is right for you and your child.
I send my DD full time to nursery and I hate it but it’s essential at the moment.
I wish I didn’t have to.
I would watch out for other peoples projections in this situation. It sounds like it has more to do with how they wish they had the opportunity to be with their children more rather than the actual situation.

Ignore those saying she needs to go to nursery. She does activities and has play dates and is happy. She will be fine.

There was no nursery, pre-school or reception class when I was a kid and we all settled into school just fine. No harm done either way. You must do what feels right for you and your daughter. It annoys me that people think they have the right to actually question someone else. They can think what they like, but they don't need to openly criticise by way of a thinly veiled question.