What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

No, ignore them, send her when you’re both ready!

The thing to remember, OP, is that nursery isn't compulsory, pre-school isn't compulsory, and indeed school isn't compulsory until the term after a child's fifth birthday. So you can do whatever you see best.

FWIW, I wouldn't enter a summer-born for Reception a year later than their chronological age. I didn't bother with Reception, so they started in Year 1 (apart from one, who insisted on going to school for the final term of Reception).

It's fair to say that I'm not sure what I'd have done if I'd had only one child, though. I'd probably have thought they should be around other children, at least a little bit.

we are a home educating family and have been for years and i agree with you a million percent

im also an attachment or gentle parent and we are extremely child led so my whole lifestyle choice and way of thinking is different from the norm

i had fertility issues also and "should "not have had either boys but i did

they are 17 and 11 now, both have numerous complex disabilities each as well and neither sleep.im also a single mother

boys are literally with me 24/7 as im a 24/7 carer and educator

i dont agree with the school system and definitely not for disabled kids as to me its a glorified babysitting service as they do nothing all day

(i have many friends with disabled kids that attend special schools so i do have first knowledge on this and not just assuming)

i have zero help off anyone so i don't have babysitters(nether have ever stayed out)

for years people are just so gobsmacked on my attitude towards a lifestyle choice they dont get and school and just dont get why i dont want them away from me.

school is an optional service as you chose to send our kids its not compulsory so home ed is the default

with attitudes of the many school has become a free child minding services and if you dont use it your weird

you stick to your guns and do what you feel best. Now and in the future like i just said he doesn't even "have "to" attend school at all

just because your not a sheep that goes with the heard and have been conditioned by the system and society dont let anyone tell you your wrong or weird

If you genuinely believe you aren’t judging, you need to learn a whole bucketload of tact with how you discuss this subject. Your posts drip with judgement.

Kept mine at home as long as I could, it was great for them, when it was time for school they were secure in their own self and ready to leave me. Personally I feel even 5 is far too early for formal education and I'd follow other countries with a much later start age. But it is good to give time with children their own age, but there's many playgroups, gym classes etc so you can do that and you can attend and enjoy it too. I was lucky that I never felt I needed time away from mine and always missed them when they weren't around and genuinely perfer the company of children to adults.

I agree, none of mine went to nursery or pre school. They all settled perfectly well into reception with no issues.

If you don’t want to send her or don’t need to then don’t. Its nobody else’s business.

I think a lot depends on what family support you have too. It's very easy for someone to judge people using nursery while a SAHP but then have various relatives looking after their child on a regular basis. If you don't have family/ in laws around you, it can be fairly relentless so of course you would be more likely to use childcare for some balance.

The same could be said for the parenting and other support you get from a partner. Easier to do it without formal childcare if you have good DH/DP who plays a proper parenting role and provides you with some decent adult company after a day with DC. If you don't, again, some support from a nursery to lighten the load is probably essential!

Not that you need any of the above reasons to "justify" using a nursery if a SAHP! But easy to be smug without realising it's not a level playing field for everyone.

I planned to keep my oldest at home until reception but I found from 3 years up that it was very hard to find activities with kids her own age. She was by far the oldest at the groups we attended and she wasn’t really mixing with her peers enough. I chose a Montessori nursery for her and she went 5 mornings a week. She LOVED it and it did seem to accelerate her social skills so we did the same with our younger dc.

I totally get you.
My two did not go to nursery/childcare. I am their mother and I really don't think anyone else is going to love or care for them like we do. Mine were very socialised (lots of meetups, playdates and clubs/classes – and not just with kids born the same year). They are now sociable, confident, happy children.
I too felt judged, and people would directly say stuff like " you must me mad: I need a break from my kids". Like you, I too took a while to get mine (not infertility, just didn't meet their father til I was mid-thirties, and had actually resigned myself to probably not getting to have any). I feel I treasure them all the more. Lots of people seem to actively dislike time with their own kids. It's like it's funny to declare how much you can't wait to send them to school.
Carry on, OP, and enjoy your child. They really are young for such a short time.

Enjoy being with your child as long as you like. You're right - you won't get this time again .z

I’m in Australia but my 4 year old goes to preschool 2 days a week from 8.30-3.30 and only started this year.
We normally do playgroup a couple of times a week, go to the library, drop off and pick up her big sister from school and every 2nd Monday morning her school for next year have a get ready for school session for 2 hours.

Covid has put a hold on everything last term but hopefully will return to normal before school ends for the year.
She’s a social kid who spends most of her time playing with her older sister.

Honestly you get judged either way.

You do sound quite judgmental tbh

I don't do nursery, I think it's just childcare and developmentally speaking they're better off at home. I also enjoy my children and wanted the time with them for selfish reasons. This was further complicated by COVID last year where I decided it wasn't worth the anxiety and just kept them all home.

I do think preschool/kindergarten from 3+ is important. You can't replicate that at home.

If I was you I would look at doing 2-3 mornings a week for your daughter. Then she can have a hard play during her most active time of day, make little friends, have new experiences. You can collect her at lunchtime and still have the majority of the day together.

I send my children for 2 short days at 3, I think it would disadvantage them to keep them entirely home at that point. From 3+ there is a focus on school readiness and even as a teacher you can't pull that off at home.

Side note: these wide eyed 'I can't understand' posts are like nails on a chalkboard to me. You're an educated woman, of course you can understand why people think early childhood education might be beneficial to their children, or why time away from childcare responsibilities might be beneficial to mothers. You do understand. You just want affirmation that you're right and they are wrong, so admit it.

Im also a SAHM. My ds turned 3 in May. He has started attending Preschool from September 2.5 days a week as that's when he got funding. My view was to send when he got funded so that when he starts full time school next year it isn't such a shock as he'll be used to being around other children without me there. He could still happily be at home with me but I think the adjustment period will make it easier for him (and me!) next year.

My two did not go to nursery/childcare. I am their mother and I really don't think anyone else is going to love or care for them like we do.

Well of course not, that’s not the expectation anyone has from nursery workers if that was your very unreasonable expectation then I guess you made the right decision - but maybe you should recognise that spending some time with others who don’t love them like their mum is not a detriment.

Completely agree with you OP. As a nanny I recognise that I work for privileged people, just as being able to stay at home with her is privileged.

Having a child at home with a nanny isn't the same obviously, but it's the next best thing if you want your child to stay at home and get a similar level of care. It confuses me when parents then rush to send their children into full time care at such a young age (when they can afford other arrangements).

I have a friend in the US and her daughter is only now attending school full time at the age of 6 (going on 7, so equivalent of a Year 2). Up until then all schooling was half day. She's managing just fine btw, a very well-adjusted, confident child.

That children will not be socialised is a myth. The children in my care have a great friendship circle with other children in similar circumstances, and get a lot out of their classes and our daily activities. There is more to education than being in a 'school' setting.

If you can afford to keep your child with you and enable them to get the full benefits of this, I think it's perfectly fine and just ignore others who don't see eye to eye. Your daughter will be fine.

@RobinPenguins

I'm a bit "each to their own" on this, but I would add, it will become harder to make sure she spends time with other children a similar age this year. I worked 3 days a week when dc1 was preschool aged, and I didn't want to send him to preschool on the other 2 days I had off. (He was in a nursery for 3 day.) But by the January of that school year there were virtually no 3 rising 4s at any of the groups we'd go to, and none at all after Easter.

I would agree with this. DD is 3 nearly 4 and goes to a private nursery but is at home with me on a Wednesday. On her day with me there are no longer any groups or classes that I’d take her to as she’s much older than all the other kids there, all the ones her age are now at school nursery. Same with the children who tend to be at the playground during school hours, all younger than 3. That doesn’t bother me as it’s only 1 day a week and we usually have plenty of errands to run as well as swimming lessons, but if I was trying to provide adequate opportunities to spend time with her peer group every day I think I’d struggle.

Same - DS1, who turned 3 in July, goes to nursery for 2.5 days a week and I wasn't really prepared for the fact that he's suddenly the oldest at all the groups we go to on the other days. Even at swimming I was talking to the teacher yesterday and we're going to move to a Saturday I think so that he's not the oldest one by miles in a class that's billed as for 2-4 year olds. For us nursery has always been childcare for while we work and we've deliberately set up our work lives to use it as little as possible - and even so I felt so very judged by women who didn't work and so didn't use any childcare when they were little - so I hadn't quite realised that the 'norm' around here is that they go to preschool or school nursery five mornings a week from 3.

My dd is July born and an only...she needed nursery two days a week to interact with children. Playdates etc are nothing like nursery...I did consider keeping her back from school but best decision ever was to send her and she loved it. Every child is different so you do what's right for your child...if that's to stay with you that's ok

Do you know their finances that well that you can catagorically say they don't need to work?... no...probably not. And finances are not the ONLY reason that a woman wants to work@Thegrinchinseptember. You are being extremely judgmental (and in more ways than one!)

You are being judgemental as much as you want to say otherwise. Whether other parents 'need' to work for money or not is not the primary issue. You seem to be completely oblivious that caring for young children is exhausting and relentless to some parents. They likely struggle to do all the activities you suggest with the children and prefer to have them do it in a structured environment and the other benefits that come with it.

I work part time and didn't 'need' childcare on my non working days but DD benefited immensely from attending nursery for 3 hours on those days and taking part in structured activities. Like PP have mentioned, we struggled to find age appropriate activities during the day as all the 2-4 year activities were predominantly just 2-3 year olds. She is born in Nov so was 4.5 by April and much more advanced than the majority so nursery for 3hrs in the morning to socialise with her peers followed by time with me then 4pm activities designed for reception children was a much better fit for us

You seem to be completely oblivious that caring for young children is exhausting and relentless to some parents. They likely struggle to do all the activities you suggest with the children and prefer to have them do it in a structured environment and the other benefits that come with it.

I agree. You can love your child more than anything, play with them and have fun with them of course but that doesn’t mean you’re naturally great at organising a creative array of daily toddler activities - bare in mind most SAHM also have plenty of housework to do on top of everything else. I think it’s unfair to expect every mum to essentially have the skills of a trained nursery worker or the creativity and energy of a children’s entertainer. It’s fine to outsource some of that.

@RobinPenguins

I'm a bit "each to their own" on this, but I would add, it will become harder to make sure she spends time with other children a similar age this year. I worked 3 days a week when dc1 was preschool aged, and I didn't want to send him to preschool on the other 2 days I had off. (He was in a nursery for 3 day.) But by the January of that school year there were virtually no 3 rising 4s at any of the groups we'd go to, and none at all after Easter.

I would agree with this. DD is 3 nearly 4 and goes to a private nursery but is at home with me on a Wednesday. On her day with me there are no longer any groups or classes that I’d take her to as she’s much older than all the other kids there, all the ones her age are now at school nursery. Same with the children who tend to be at the playground during school hours, all younger than 3. That doesn’t bother me as it’s only 1 day a week and we usually have plenty of errands to run as well as swimming lessons, but if I was trying to provide adequate opportunities to spend time with her peer group every day I think I’d struggle.

I'd never even thought about that aspect.

Makes sense though now I think about it! New perspective!

It's your child, so it's your choice. (and the same goes for them)

You obviously have thought about it a lot, talked with your partner, planned etc. You made a conscious choice on spending more time with her for the first years of her life, and that is that. Personally, I love what you're doing, and I hope I was able to do it myself.

My son is the same age. I feel with covid they have lost a lot of the socialising they should of had. Also it will ease him being away from me before it’s full time next year.

DDs loooved nursery! Besides it's just 15hr. How can anyone work around that?!

I do think it is very beneficial for them to start being with other kids and other adults and learn how group teaching works