What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

[quote Thegrinchinseptember]@shouldistop They haven’t said anything directly, but it’s most definitely implied by the shock on their faces etc, I never realised it was such a big deal[/quote]
I think the shock is probably because it just isn't the norm? The vast majority of people(actually every single one of them) I know send their kid to preschool. It is only 3 hours a day and they view it as prep for school. I'm not in the UK but here you get 2 free years of preschool when the child hits 3 and then children start school aged 5.

It isn't about not wanting to be with your children or wanting to be with your children. It is seen a way for your child to get used to being away from you and used to the school environment before they enter compulsory education. It is seen as being of benefit to the child not just childcare so the parent doesn't have to be around them as you seem to be implying.

Also the whole getting used to not being with mum - yes it has to happen at some point. But why 2 or 3 and not 4 or 5 years old? It is totally arbitrary to declare it is better to do this at three years old.

They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work

So you admit that you can't empathise with them, but are expecting them to emphasise with you?

It's coming across as though you are saying that because you had difficulty conceiving you love your child more than they love theirs.

Do whatever you want to do. But them them do the same without your judgement too.

Is everyone on here after a virtue badge today??

I would not discuss it with them.

If they try and comment, say "thanks, but we are really happy with our parenting choices".

Some people have to comment and some people are rude.

Your choices are NONE of their business, so don't entertain it.

I can absolutely understand your position of enjoying this time.

A friend of mine was only able to have one child.

Herself and her husband are both at every training and every match, they always have been.

They love them.
No ones business but theirs.

I never put my small children in montessori full time, I loved the freedom of being able to do things with them.

They are in structured education soon enough.

If you tried preschool and it didn't work out, thats different to keeping her home when she could potentially enjoy it.

However... what will you do if he doesn't like school? Home educate, or make her go?

(Do you intend her to go to school at 4 or defer until 5, as she's summer born?)

It’s odd how you are judging them but seem disgruntled that they are judging you? I’m sure they have their reasons, as do you.

Life would be much more pleasant if we didn’t judge each other.

Some people have to comment and some people are rude.

But no one has commented.

^^“Your details about how long it took to have your baby, while very sad with a lovely ending, is irrelevant because it doesn’t mean you love your child any more than those who didn’t struggle to conceive.”

I disagree. It is an unpopular opinion but I too cannot understand why people have children to then have somebody else to care for them full time so they can work. I made - an still make - sacrifices (a lot of them) to ensure I could stay home with my children.

Like you I was a teacher and have been able to give that up. Unlike you I didn’t struggle too much but was still desperate for children and once having them could not imagine letting someone else look after them.

This is in no way directed at those who need to work. Everyone’s situations are different but I do judge those who work by choice to afford luxuries (and yes I include expensive mortgages and expensive cars in this).

More toward your point, I understand exactly how you feel about your child but I do think you are putting your own wants before your childs’. She would benefit hugely from some independence even for the few hours she is entitled to a week. I currently send my 3 year old 9 hours a week, this is again for her benefit and not mine as 15 would be too much. We are working towards the full 15. It is good for her as if you leave it too long I worry that you will cause some attachment issues for her (and you). And my daughter is also a late summer baby :).

Give in a little and let her go, even for a few hours a week; she doesn’t have to do the full 15 because it’s free.

you and your DD are doing the right thing.

As a gran I now see how defensive mums generally are.
They must defend their own choises at all costs.In fact children are remarkable adaptable. I think you must do what feels right for you because that is the best way to parent your child.
She is only 3 years old. Fact is this time will be lost once it is gone.
She will do fine next year as she already does activites and mixes with other children and adults.
Don't take on others projections either.
Enjoy this time.

**Do what you feel is right for you and your child.
I send my DD full time to nursery and I hate it but it’s essential at the moment. **

Me too. On maternity leave with twins, I miss my eldest Dd so much. But 4 days is the right thing and we have quality time together the days she isn’t there.

Thing is, you don’t know their reasons for sending them. It may be mental health, they may struggle in general (3 year olds can be hard work), they may just feel that nursery is more beneficial.

I don’t think it’s fair to just see it as ‘they don’t work so don’t need to’.

Have you considered home educating?

@Pffffft What’s your take on Fathers who work full time?

I presume it’s just Mother’s that you have issues with.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

If you tried preschool and it didn't work out, thats different to keeping her home when she could potentially enjoy it.

However... what will you do if he doesn't like school? Home educate, or make her go?

(Do you intend her to go to school at 4 or defer until 5, as she's summer born?)

I'm in my 60's. Most of us got sent to school without any pre school or nursery. I cried a few days and then settled in as did the others.

I think it might be a difficult adjustment for your DD if she isn't used to being left in the care of others by the time she starts school. I'm choosing to go back to work but even if I hadn't, DC would still be going to nursery 2 days a week for his own sake.

Sounds good to me. This really depends on the child and what they are ready for. If she's happy then enjoy the year and ignore any comments.

There’s nothing wrong with either.
They shouldn’t be questioning your decision but similarly you shouldn’t be questioning theirs. Every child is different and so is every parent - some parents want more time to themselves than others, for some children nursery has huge benefits and for some children it doesn’t make a great deal of a difference. You’re not doing anything wrong and neither are your friends.

I do judge those who work by choice to afford luxuries (and yes I include expensive mortgages and expensive cars in this)

Oooh working for luxuries.

I love when this comes up.

Funny it’s always women working for luxuries.

I wish more women would work for ‘luxuries’ like their own pension provision,

You're judging them though - they don't 'need to work'. Maybe they WANT to??

I disagree. It is an unpopular opinion but I too cannot understand why people have children to then have somebody else to care for them full time so they can work

Very anti- feminist comment.

I did a lot with DC1 and was reluctant to send him to nursery. I decided to try mornings when he was 3 (3.5ish by the time it came around to my free hours) but to be honest he came on so much at nursery I’m pleased he did go. He became so much more independent and learnt/socialised a lot while he was there.
He still struggled settling into primary but I’m so pleased he was eased in with a nursery setting. He also made friends that were in his reception class so he knew people there already.
I will 100% be doing the same with DC2 whether I’m at home or not.

They haven't said anything judgemental to or about you as far as you know. But you are saying judgemental stuff about them on here. Sorry about your struggles to conceive, but I know people in similar situations who still struggled with their very much longed for and fought for children and yes, sent them to childcare for a break! Yabu

It isn't about not wanting to be with your children or wanting to be with your children. It is seen a way for your child to get used to being away from you and used to the school environment before they enter compulsory education. It is seen as being of benefit to the child not just childcare

This is spot on in my experience of preschool. It’s term time mornings and you can choose your sessions. It’s not really comprehensive enough to be childcare. Purely optional, though. I thought it was helpful because my DD had never been in childcare to have a bit of experience of a bigger, institutional environment before she started school. She loved it (they were very good at the messy play things I hated!) and so I carried on taking her. But there’s no right or wrong with it.

You’re judging them too - a lot of us find caring for babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers all day long hard, relentless and tiring, and we “want” to work, not just “need” to work. We also want to ensure our children are socialised and school ready.

YANBU at all to want to keep your DD at home until reception (my DM did with me) if that’s what you both enjoy and both suits you best, but nursery and pre-school are really good for enabling children to make friends and get used to a classroom setting before school starts.

Of course not! Everyone is different and manages things differently. Enjoy your beautiful little girl.