What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

@Thegrinchinseptember

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work. I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc. I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child. Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

OP there are many ways to raise a child, and a child who is loved and well cared for will always be fine.

We get a lot of thoughts, ideas, and philosophies on child rearing thrown at us parents usually with dire consequences for non comliance.

She is three, so little. Enjoy her and your time together. It will pay off.

@TheKeatingFive

I do judge those who work by choice to afford luxuries (and yes I include expensive mortgages and expensive cars in this)

Oooh working for luxuries.

I love when this comes up.

Funny it’s always women working for luxuries.

I wish more women would work for ‘luxuries’ like their own pension provision,

Right?

I work fulltime with two small children. Because I prefer to work than stay at home.

DH never gets the head tilt for feeling the same, despite earning less than me.

It really depends on the child. I hadn't been left with anyone except my father when I started school. I remember my first day at school feeling nervous and excited and other days. Reception class was very different to other years as it had a playhouse in it, and I have some very vivid memories of that year, all happy. My mum said I was fine too. I didn't cry at all. Every child is different, but my experience seems better than a child crying for weeks as some do when starting at nurseries.

And people are VERY defensive about being working mum's on here. You just need to find mums who accept you for who you are.

Nursery/pre school is proven to benefit young children. That doesn’t mean your child isn’t thriving, but she could likely be ahead of where she is now if you’d sent her - I wouldn’t car about what your friends think. I also would care what you think - coming from a mum who shipped my child off to nursery at 10 months old 5 days a week because our life is personally much better with two incomes, we can get by on one, but we live comfortably with two. So I don’t ‘need’ to work, and I wouldn’t want to be judged for sending my child off to nursery whether I need to work or not. Frankly your situation and there are no one business but their own and I’m not sure what you intended to gain from this thread as you’re obviously going to get a whole range of answers from all walks of life.

As well as all the reasons already mentioned on the benefits of some nursery or preschool I’d also add that it can help identify any development gaps or issues in your child. And so gives you valuable time to investigate these before the child starts school.

For example I had a friend who’s child’s speaking skills were developing pretty slowly. My friend was partly in denial, and it wasn’t until her son started nursery at three years old, and the lack of speech development was highlighted to her by nursery staff, that she could admit there was an issue, and start seeking assistance for her child. Which meant that by the time her child started school they’d already started appointments with a speech therapist.

@Thegrinchinseptember

Don’t feel at all bad about valuable early years spent with your Daughter .
It sets up a secure and loved foundation.a family I know well have 3 children
The oldest was in day nurseries and the younger two were at home with mum
Huge difference in the home reared younger ones being secure.

My own son is a July birthday and had I had his childhood again, I’d have waited an extra year.
Enjoy your daughter and never let people try and demean what you are doing.

I send my 3yo to preschool, including on the day I don't work, because it's clear that he needs more stimulation than he gets with just me now, and it's a great way to prepare him for school in a low-key, low-stakes environment. You're not doing anything wrong if you choose not to send your DD, but by 3 most children do benefit from the opportunity to have a group and do more structured activities, so it's not remotely wrong for other parents to send their children even if it's not, horrors, a necessity due to work.

There's nothing weird about wanting to spend time with your children and you don't have to justify it to yourself or anyone else.

People question themselves over the weirdest things imho

I had a lot of they need nursery for development etc from mums and people who kept saying nursery was so useful for their little ones development etc. I sent mine when he got his free 15 hours so he went from 3 years and 3 months. I had both my baby and 2/3 year old at home for a year pretty much from when lockdown started. Nursery is good because I work full time and it gives his dad a bit of a break for 2 days a week. They do snatch, fight a bit and cry now they're a bit older. 😬

@Thegrinchinseptember - you definitely are judging them

I'd also be careful not to judge back, there are benefits to nursery at about three in my opinion. My boy missed starting nursery in January by three days and I had to wait another term, I definitely felt he was ready for nursery by then, and probably me too! I had at that point not had any one to one time with my then 9 month old

You should do whatever suits you and your child best (and be guided by them). I sent mine to nursery two days a week from 3-4 as they were desperate to interact with other kids. But I also delayed school entry and sent a term later (when they turned five) and for the rest of reception they had a three day week. Suited us all brilliantly. But they also had each other. I asked them if they wanted to be home schooled and they were adamantly against it!!!!

My DD is 3.5 and in playgroup/nursery 2 full days and 2 half days a week (increasing to 3 full days soon because my DD wants to). I work all my hours on a Sunday (13 hours). So don't need preschool for formal childcare.

I think everyone's circumstances are different. We have no family nearby and therefore I have literally had no support other than DH ever for my DD, not a single day in 3.5 years. Most people will get their freetime/adult time via family support throughout infancy and childhood, so it is easy to judge other parents choice to use childcare 'unnecessarily' when you may well be doing the exact same thing but via a different source.

Also I saw the damage done to my DD in lockdown and how this compared to her peers with siblings, she needs to make up for this socially, and whilst I really hope we will never lockdown with schools closed again this is not a certainty so I think it is best for her to be their whilst it is open.

No nursery is not proven to be good for children's development when compared to a loving parent who does activities and playdates. Children at both will be fine.
Children who are neglected do benefit from being in a nursery when compared to being with a parent.

Surely there is a healthy middle ground between “8 hours a day 5 days a week” and all the time at home? It is fairly unusual to send a child to nursery/preschool for 8 hours a day full time if you don’t need to work yourself. Really- ALL of these women do this? I find that hard to believe.

My experience (I also have an only child, conceived via IVF) is that preschool was great for him to have structure/routine and develop a little social structure, use facilities like their garden and craft stuff that we did not have at home, and get used to not being with me. Play dates and classes just don’t compare. He was in for 8 hours a day 4 days a week because we both do work. However even if we did not need the childcare I would send a child for at least the 15 free hours, having seen how much he got from it.

Also, why are you surrounding yourself with people whose wealth and lifestyles are so different to yours? Maybe you could use the time that your child is in nursery to make some nicer friends yourself!

why they would send them 8 hours a day, everyday if they didn’t need to

Honestly, this statement sounds like you’re judging them and I think you think that your way was clearly superior and you wanted us to pat you on the back…

In many ways, I felt the same, though no fertility issues. I have two daughters, now aged 7 (July birthday) and 4 (June birthday). I am lucky not to have to work.

What we did was send them both to nursery two days a week after they turned 3, so they could socialise with other children, learn about friendships and build an immune system - believe me, the level of illness to start with is absolutely insane! I really didn't want this to disrupt their time at school when they went so felt it was best to get it out of the way beforehand. 🤷

Also, as both were born late in the year we deferred school by one year for them both - you can do this if your child is born from April - August (I think). So my older daughter should have just started year 3 but instead has just gone into year 2. My younger daughter should have started reception this year but instead will be starting in 2022 and still attends nursery 2 days a week.

This has worked very well for us and I wouldn't change a thing. 🤷

Only you know what's best for your family.

If she's a July birthdays I take it she will start school September 22? It might be good to do some preschool even if just two mornings -our playgroup was morning sessions of three hours- there must be things you need to do that you could do while she's there eg food shop, house stuff but it's not like you'd lose loads of time with her.
I'd be a little conscious that if she hated preschool and you took her out she might then find school a bit of a shock . A lot of kids take a bit of time to settle in but I do think it's very good preparation for school and even just things like using the loo in a new place, sharing, having a chunk of time away from home regularly are important .

If you are happy and your DD is happy, she will be at school soon enough.
No need to institutionalise her now just because your friends think you should.

I guess it depends whether you genuinely keep her at home for her, or for you, or for both of you. If you're being judged then I imagine it's (rightly or wrongly) coming from people who feel like perhaps she's not getting enough exposure to other people outside of just her parents.

Ultimately as I'm sure you know, she's your child and you're entitled to do whatever you think is best.

Is it that you bring her along to all of your meet ups, when their kids are at nursery?

This has come up in our friendship group a few times where adults meet up for coffee/lunch/drinks and one friend always always brings her child along, when others want some adult time.

Please don't conform, I felt exactly the same as you I really struggled with listening to all that rubbish, I have educated myself on what is actually right for a child, throwing them into any child care including school is conforming to a system that isn't right, our society has taught us its the norm but that is why there are so many mental health problems, we now home educate they socialise way more than they ever could in school I could go on and on happy to answer any questions

I struggled for 5 years and had ivf to conceive my dc who is also just turned 3. However I don't feel the need to spend all my time with them. They're a lot of work to keep entertained and I don't enjoy craft making and all Manor of other things associated with keeping toddlers busy.
They are at nursery full time and if I have a day off work then that day is for me and me alone to spend by myself doing me stuff.

That said, I completely understand why you want to spend all your time with your dd and no one should make you feel bad about that.

I think separating from mum is a painful thing for both toddler and mummy. There is no rush to do it, but on the other hand it is a necessary developmental step.

I think it would be good for your little girl to be starting to take that development step some time in the year before she starts Reception. Perhaps in the January? Just so that she has got used to the basics of mummy dropping her, spending time in a different setting, with people who can also care for her, then mummy always comes back to collect her.

I think it is quite a tall order for her to have learn those things for the first time while at the same time getting to grips with proper school in year R.

Starting school is a big deal for four year old children, even those who have been used to childcare settings. It's the higher expectations of behaviour, the studying, having to sit still and attend/be quiet. Four year olds who are used to lots of nursery care can still be exhausted by the more formal setting of school.

It would be good if she had got a little used to spending some time away from you so she is not thrown right in at the deep end with 9-3 days.