What’s so weird about wanting to be with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Thegrinchinseptember]

For a bit of background, I struggled with infertility for 9 years, had lots of miscarriages, an emergency ectopic and finally conceived my daughter, 3, at 39 after a few rounds of gruelling ivf
In my friendship group of mums, the majority of them send their children to nursery/pre school, even though they don’t need to work.
I’ve worked all my life as a teacher, but have been fortunate enough to be able to be at home with Dd, realise this wouldn’t suit everyone, but we’ve worked hard to arrange it, have to cut back a lot etc.
I’m happy to have her at home another year, I teach her in a fun way, she attends play dates, dancing and gymnastics lessons and although there are times I definitely need a break and some space, I’m happy to have her with me as know these days go by so quickly, I’ll never get them back and I won’t be able to have another child.
Some friends are perplexed about this (not said outright) they wonder why I’m waiting a year.

Why such pressure to send them so early? She’s a July birthday too, so is only just 3.
They don’t understand why I’m not sending her now, I don’t understand why they are sending them all day when they don’t even go to work, if that’s the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

Feeling a little judged, Aibu to be happy to have my girl at home with me as long as I can, is that weird? Am I damaging her by doing this

@TheKeatingFive

I’m not sure why you’re so surprised at people judging you when you’re doling it right back.

People have different views. Personally by 3 I’d be keen on some nursery time for the child’s own sake, but she’s your child and you get to make the decisions 🤷‍♀️

Exactly this. I had a special care baby who was very sick, completely healthy as she grew and I didn't want to send her to pre school. It was the best choice I made for her. Play dates don't give her the same socialisation as pre school. It helps with routine, being in the care of others and preparing for school. I personally think it will be a shock to her when she starts reception, if she's never been to a pre school setting.

I'm a bit "each to their own" on this, but I would add, it will become harder to make sure she spends time with other children a similar age this year. I worked 3 days a week when dc1 was preschool aged, and I didn't want to send him to preschool on the other 2 days I had off. (He was in a nursery for 3 day.) But by the January of that school year there were virtually no 3 rising 4s at any of the groups we'd go to, and none at all after Easter.

It didn't bother me too much as it was just 2 days and he had time with similar aged kids at nursery. But you might find unless the classes /groups you take your dd to are on a weekend, most other similar aged kids won't be at pre-school clubs /classes anymore. Even harder, your friends with similar aged dcs might not want afternoon playdates when their dcs get back from preschool as they will want them to rest.

@Mistlewoeandwhine fantastic read

[quote Learnthroughplay3]@NavigationCentral you sound guilty[/quote]
Great, thanks. Evidence? :)

I’m a Nursery teacher and can tell you there is so much more to Nursery than there are on play dates.
Being with children quite different to you and who you might not like, trying activities you aren’t keen on (as opposed to always doing those you like), following instructions from
An unfamiliar adult, learning to wait, becoming used to not being the most important person (I mean this kindly) and that’s a few snd doesn’t include the learning side.
My observations are that children who haven’t attended any form of setting before school Nursery or even Reception are either

• particularly bright as have learnt lots from a dedicated caregiver but can struggle socially or emotionally as they’re used to a lot of attention

Or

• they’re behind their peers in most areas because they’ve had little done with them.

I hated my children bring away from me and I believed no one else could teach them more than me. But I had to use childcare and it did benefit them.

They might a break from child friendly things,I know I did.

OP, I had no infertility issues or any other reason: my sole reason for keeping my children at home until they were 5 was that I liked having them at home, they liked being at home, they were learning loads, socialising with people of all age groups, and feeling the benefit of being with someone all the time who thought they were fab.

They are summer babies, so skipped Reception and went straight into Year One, when they had just turned 5. By then, they were ready for it, and so was I!

I still don't regret a single minute of that time.

As the parent of a child who got barely any preschool due to covid. Send her in just even for the free hours.

We are now in year 1 and every morning she cry’s when I drop her off not because she hates school because she comes out telling me how great it was, but because it’s being apart from me and she’s not used to it. Even in reception they where off for months.

Some people just have a hard time thinking outside the box. They can't really imagine why people would do anything differently, or that the usual thing might not even be the best for the child in question.

@1AngelicFruitCake The research does not back that up.
I was a nursery worker, I can do at home what kids do at nursery, but in smaller groups. And I have never worked at a nursery that forced kids to do activities they don't want to do. A decent parent encourages kids to try new things out. And the adults at a good nursery should not be unfamiliar for long unless you have a high turnover of staff.

Most kids will do fine being at nursery or at home. Choose what is best for your child.

If life is a struggle for you, then yes kids do better in a nursery.

I’m surprised a teacher would need to question this.

@Divebar2021

I’m surprised a teacher would need to question this.

Why? Do teachers all have one unilateral thought like cyborgs?

I do think some expeirence of nursery and a school-lite environment helps with the transition to school, however I do think it's completely understandable that you don't want to send her.

Why is there so much faux 'not understanding' when it comes to parenting choices though? It's hardly difficult to understand either perspective on this!

@Evesgarden teachers generally know the research that backs up that children do not need to go to a nursery.
I have nothing against children going to a nursery, but it is not a child development need. Do what works best for you and your child.

Your OP is all about the reasons you want to keep your dd with you, but you’re the parent, it’s not supposed to be about you. Pre school education is very good for children, especially now when they won’t have been going to groups and clubs like normal for the last two years.

I agree with you that I wouldn’t choose to send a three year old to nursery all day every day, but three mornings a week, building up to five and a couple of afternoons before school starts is good for them.

In some, not all cases but most, it is obvious when a child has had no pre school education before they come to reception. It does make a difference.

@LobsterNapkin I couldn't agree more

My dd is also 3 (4 in a few months) and whilst I would have loved to keep her with me full-time we decided that it was in her best interest to send her to preschool initially for 2 days a week and then increased to 3 days a week , and now 5 half days a week at a nursery attached to a primary school. I am currently a SAHM. She's always loved interacting with other children and she absolutely loved pre-school and now nursery. She is an only child so we want to give her every opportunity to mix with lots of other children as much as we can and have the confidence to be able to be without us for a limited time in a safe environment. Apart from preschool/nursery/and the groups she has attended she's been with us all the time and not even spent time with grandparents alone. That said, I think its up to the parents to decide whether they want their child to attend a setting or not , as long as they are sure that their decision is made for the child's benefit and not because they themselves have attachment/anxiety issues. My mum had attachment/anxiety issues around me. She lost her mum when she was very young and I don't know if that had something to do with it. She was always with me and hovering around me and I eventually found her love closterphobic, stifling and annoying . I couldn't wait to leave home. I don't want my daughter to be in the same position that I was in.

Dm wanted to keep me at home. I did not go to a playgroup/pre-school nursery etc and my first community setting was when I went to school.

A) I thought I was an adult and tried to be the teacher and teach everyone else to read (I was told off)
B) I was terrified of the big children (especially boys! - this did not last a lifetime ) charging round the playground
C) I was ill, ill and more ill. I spent weeks at home (which pleased dm!) with colds, flu, measles, German measles, chicken pox, mumps, whooping cough…. (No vacs back then)

Do what you want to do and let them do what they want. I felt there was a lot of pressure to send our DC to nursery at 3. I wish I hadn't. They attended lots of clubs and groups anyway and they were much happier at home.

People have different circumstances. It's not always to do with having a job or not. My 3 younger kids did 15 hours in a day nursery before school nursery and they loved it and got so much from it. They were prepared for school and enjoyed going to a place that was " theirs".
My fourth child has just started school nursery and he has not been to a day nursery before because of covid and my kids constantly being sent home from school and having to isolate, I decided not to bother. I think if you can afford it, or you qualify for free hours, it can be beneficial for most kids and gives structure to the week when it can be long and monotonous. Plus if they enjoy it, that's only a positive thing.

She'll be going to school September 2022 so pointless sending her to nursery in July.

@DottyHarmer all of that seems to be caused by you not mixing with other children before starting school. I agree mixing with other children is beneficial, and the OP's child does do that.

I don’t think people have turned on you for no reason @Thegrinchinseptember

Your OP was a little smug and goady and your little 🤷🏼‍♀️ emojis are really annoying!

YANBU however as a teacher you will know what a big shock it will be to be full time in reception this time next year, having only been with Mummy until then.
I think as she’s summer born you could look at starting her in reception at CSA. Another year with you and then a year with a few days a week at a preschool or school nursery.
If she has to go FT at 4 I would try one or two days a week, maybe starting after Christmas, in a 9-3 setting of some sort.
Your reasons are good but if you raa was d it back they are mostly about you.

Read it back