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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 26/09/2021 15:29

This is rude. If she can’t give you a bit of notice I would let her know in advance you will be planning things in your life and won’t be available for last minute childcare, then do it.

So plan to go somewhere and if she calls last minute say oh sorry I’m doing xyz that afternoon - wish you’d asked me in good time as I’d have been able to do it then. Eventually she will get her act together after paying for after school club a few times.

Teacupsandtoast · 26/09/2021 15:29

Start saying no. It's the only way she'll learn - if you keep rolling over and helping her at short notice, she has no incentive to plan her life better. At least 72 hours notice, preferably more, and say no to anything shorter notice unless it's a genuine emergency

QueenoftheKarens · 26/09/2021 15:30

I would tell her unless she arranges a week or two in advance with you she'll need to get a childminder.
She's doing it because your letting her get away with it. Stop.

daisypond · 26/09/2021 15:32

Of course you’re not asking too much. Just tell her you are unable to help at all without so many days’ notice. Or you can help on Mondays and Wednesdays, that’s it - whatever suits you. Or that you can’t help at all any more - as you are planning a world trip, starting a new job, or you just don’t want to do it any more.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:36

thank you for your support on this, my husband doesnt agree with me and cant really see what the problem is! i know your all right in what your saying, but its hard when our only chance to see the kids is if i go and collect them from school, my daughter NEVER just pops over on a weekend, and its been made very clear we cant just turn up either as that is their FAMILY time!

i really do feel like im taken for granted, no professional babysitter would put up with how she is with me

OP posts:
Chloemol · 26/09/2021 15:38

It’s very simple she tells you when she would like you to have them. You then arrange anything you want to do outside of that
If she pops up with mum can you just and it doesn’t suit as you have arranged something else then you just say no sorry, we agreed you would let me know I now have something else on and leave her to sort

Chloemol · 26/09/2021 15:40

If you husband doesn’t see what the problem is then he can collect and look after the kids and you do whatever it is you arranged to do

Bet he only does it once then comes on board with you

Fundays12 · 26/09/2021 15:40

Plan things if she doesn't have childcare because SHE failed to organise it in advance she will soon learn to do so. She is an adult let her be one

PhoboPhobia · 26/09/2021 15:42

Is that your DHs attitude because you’re the one doing all the running around?

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 15:43

"my daughter NEVER just pops over on a weekend, and its been made very clear we cant just turn up either as that is their FAMILY time!"

You are being totally used. She has zero respect for your time. And it's ALL on her terms. And for free! Doesn't even reimburse you for food.

You needs to urgently stop being so available. NO childminder would put up with this crap.

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 15:46

Yeah stop being available, or change it so you'll pick the children up on certain set days a week, whether that fits in with her schedule or not.

leavesthataregreen · 26/09/2021 15:46

You need to sometimes say, ' No I can't. I have plans.' Or make plans and let her know in advance when you are not available. She's taking you for granted.

Briony123 · 26/09/2021 15:47

@takenforgrantednana

thank you for your support on this, my husband doesnt agree with me and cant really see what the problem is! i know your all right in what your saying, but its hard when our only chance to see the kids is if i go and collect them from school, my daughter NEVER just pops over on a weekend, and its been made very clear we cant just turn up either as that is their FAMILY time!

i really do feel like im taken for granted, no professional babysitter would put up with how she is with me

So you are literally a free childminder with no other role. Nice. You are being totally used.
WatchWait · 26/09/2021 15:49

Agree with others. Set out when you are willing to be available, and beyond that, make your own plans. If you're about and it's convenient, you might choose to say yes, but it's totally reasonable to make and stick to plans.
You might get a big old pushback, but she'll soon learn.
Your husband can pick up the slack if he thinks it's not a problem. Or is he also very controlling of your time?

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 26/09/2021 15:49

"Amanda, things seem to have slipped again with notice for childcare so from now on I'm going to assume you don't need us unless you've given us a fortnight's notice. If there are any days you need us to do childcare within the next fortnight please let us know within the next 24hrs or we will assume not. Going forwards we will need the full fortnight's notice. Love Mum x"

my husband doesnt agree with me and cant really see what the problem is!

Next time you've got the children, make sure your best friend Mildred has a fall and you have to go and wait for the ambulance with her. Leave the children with him and go for a coffee (maybe at Mildred's!). Only return home once the children will have gone. Repeat as necessary until he stops taking you for granted too.

Sometimes respect has to be demanded.

middleeasternpromise · 26/09/2021 15:52

I don't .now how helpful it is for you to see it as you being used, but it does sound a bit more complicated. Your husband doesn't see as you do so does he inadvertently give the message that its fine? you sound like you don't want to refuse because you like seeing the children? The issue seems to be more about how you and your daughter set your boundaries with each other. Sounds like your daughter has set hers - no popping round, and no duty visits from her. Why do you think she doesn't see her last minute requests the way you do?

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 15:52

"but i cant plan anything in either my life"

You need to START planning.

If she hasn't got the decency to respect your time and the HUGE favour you are doing her, you need to make her respect it. Draw a line and stick to it.

HalzTangz · 26/09/2021 15:53

She will be getting her shift at least the week before, if not the start of each month, I fail to see why she can't just email you a copy when she gets it.

You need to start saying no more short notice, and tell her why. If she wants to continue the arrangement she will need to organise herself

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:55

well all i can say is shes in for a shock, as for those of you not in the uk, we are currently having issues with getting fuel for our cars, and mine is on fumes, they live 5 miles from me, so not a walking distance, and would take 90 mins if on public transport

my husband works, but he gets home about 15 mins after i get in when i collect the kids, he loves it! he gets the "ITS GRANDAD" i get the arguements of getting them in the car and seatbelted, i get the raiding of the fridge/cupboards etc to find food and then wont eat their tea, im the one running around picking everything up off the floor as they just dump it and run into the toy room and trash the place, no one puts anything back or if mum or grand dad attempt then its a case of it it fits in the box thats its new home! we have about 6 jigsaws in one box and 5 boxes empty!

OP posts:
QueenoftheKarens · 26/09/2021 16:03

Why not offer one SET evening a week your happy with? That way you get to spend time with them and don't have any of the other crap to deal with.

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 16:05

Wow, you are amazing. I would bite your hand off for the sort of help you're offering and you wouldn't have to go shopping because I would give you my card details to order dinner for everyone on me.

Does your DD have any idea how much this sort of flexible, reliable childcare would cost in the real world (if it was available, which it wouldn't be)?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 16:10

@Goldbar

Wow, you are amazing. I would bite your hand off for the sort of help you're offering and you wouldn't have to go shopping because I would give you my card details to order dinner for everyone on me.

Does your DD have any idea how much this sort of flexible, reliable childcare would cost in the real world (if it was available, which it wouldn't be)?

oh and dont forget the "i finnish at 5 today, so will pick the kids up at 5.30" only for us to get a phone call at 6.30 with her saying she had to do............................................ (whatever!)
OP posts:
WatchWait · 26/09/2021 16:16

@takenforgrantednana there is an excellent book called 'Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no' by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.
I think you'll find it very helpful!

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 16:17

You're literally last on her list.

And she doesn't need to respect you because you just roll over anyway.

A daughter with some respect and an ounce of gratitude though wouldn't need reminding.

MagnoliaBeige · 26/09/2021 16:19

Your husband can be at her beck and call if he thinks it’s a reasonable set up.

You’re doing her a massive favour and she’s not gracious enough to ensure that the arrangement is set up to work for you as well as her. I’d be telling her that unless she tells you in advance (48 hours/a week etc) when she needs you, you won’t be saying yes to any last minute requests. And stick to it, she’s totally taking advantage of you and it’s so disrespectful.