school runs/babysitting taken for granted

[takenforgrantednana]

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

I have no family help with childcare and would be eternally grateful if someone was as flexible and supportive, and certainly wouldn’t take the piss the way she’s doing.

Good for you setting some boundaries for her.

I am really.close to my parents but if I tried to pull what she is I'd be stamped on from a great height.

It completely lacks respect and is very rude. Does she know her shifts a couple weeks on advance? Can you just ask her to send you her rota so you can put it in the calander.

Also do you ever say no I'm busy when she asks last minute?

Youve been doing this for years?

Yes days off change every week but she cant expect you to be at her beck and call when she wants to do an extra shift

The person she should be asking is her husband and then if youre free maybe you can one day here and there but shes got so used to it now that youve said no shes accusing you of being in a mood

Your husband isnt any better really he should know how tired you are

@Mischance

I am a grandmother doing similar things - but not as often now. Down to once a week as she is now working part time.

My DD ALWAYS contacts me in plenty of time to ask me if I can help, establishes about whether I am feeding them, where they will be picked up afterwards etc. and always asks if that fits in with my timetable. If I have something on and have to move things around she is fine with that - does not bat an eyelid. She knows that I have my own life; and also knows that without me she would not have been able to go to work when they were pre-school age.

She is a good-mannered young woman, and I would expect nothing less.

I have other DDs whom I also help irregularly; but they always ask if it convenient for me; and always thank me.

Might I suggest that you devise a pro-forma/calendar and send it to her each weekend, so she can indicate when she needs you help - and on that calendar will be the things that you want to do that week.

we have got a chart on the wall in our kitchen, to which she agreed she would put her rota on it with the days she needed my help, repeatedly now things go ok for a few weeks, then she reverts back to how she is being tonight.

trouble is she is sending messages on my husbands fb account and its him reading/replying to her now. she has twisted (or rather tried to twist) what was actually said so that it suits her arguement and making claims that i sad things i definately didnt say at all and now hubby can read them!

Wow, if my mum was alive I’d never treat her in such a way.

You’re doing brilliantly saying no op. After her guilt trip and saying you’re in a mood I’d be saying no. Don’t ask me again.

OP, please mind yourself. It seems as if you DH and you DD are as selfish as each other. You have COPD, it is a very serious illness. My DM had it. I think you need to step back and see how you want to live the remainder of your life - has your DD supported you since your diagnosis?

A simple ‘You haven’t ever and still continue to not appreciate everything I have done for you which is why you’re now treating me this way now I have said no, I am not well, I have tried to be fair with you even whilst you have taken advantage, this isn’t working anymore so you’ll have to find someone else’.

If she doesn’t talk to you, so be it. She’ll wake up one day and realise.

OP, from your update, you are being bullied by both your DH and your DD. I am truly sorry for you.

If I were you I would disengage from both of them.

@takenforgrantednana

oh the guilt trip was much more involved than that, you only got a tiny portion of what she had to say

Ah here, you need to stop for the sake of your health. She's stressing you out which can exacerbate your breathing problems. You should be concentrating your time on looking after yourself, not your grandchildren.

She sounds like such an ungrateful brat. Her Dh works from home and she works late shifts. Why the hell cant they manage their own childcare.

@FairFuming

I am really.close to my parents but if I tried to pull what she is I'd be stamped on from a great height.

It completely lacks respect and is very rude. Does she know her shifts a couple weeks on advance? Can you just ask her to send you her rota so you can put it in the calander.

Also do you ever say no I'm busy when she asks last minute?

ha ha ha part of tonights performance from her includes next week on monday i have to attend the hospital i have no idea how long i will be there for, so i told her i cant do monday and that she needs to get her husband to collect the kids, so he would have had a weeks notice! she has now twisted that around totally and is using that to have a go at me! the term dont bite the hand that feeds you comes to mind her because im nearly at the point of saying no to any further after school duties at all.

"No, sorry darling, ask your father."

@Annasgirl

OP, please mind yourself. It seems as if you DH and you DD are as selfish as each other. You have COPD, it is a very serious illness. My DM had it. I think you need to step back and see how you want to live the remainder of your life - has your DD supported you since your diagnosis?

supported me? in what way? ive been struggling on with my own housework/garden etc the same as i normally would do, she really has no idea of what its like, and ok i dont go into much detail about it mainly because frankly i dont think she either cares or understands. i did ask for help once which she did, but it was when the kids where off school and to be honest we didnt really get much done as i was also watching what the kids where upto while trying to sort out things in my caravan. so after an hr we locked up and left, for me to return later and do the rest on my own

If you were my mum my first thought would be did you need me to try and get time off work so I could come with you!

I think your DH needs to talk to her and explain that you are unwell and can't be doing as many last minute favours as previously.

Your daughter so9unds like a spoilt brat sorry op i assume this comes from your dh treatment of her

playing one off against the other is something you do when your a teen

I think you need to say to her given how she is behaving tonight and the concern for herself rather than your health, you are tired and need a break. If you do want to carry on, set up a Google calendar and she has to put it on there with notice. Block out the days you can't do.
Her alternative is to pay for childcare, which is what those of us without family help had to do. She might realise how lucky she is then.

Yanbu.
Surely your daughter has more than 5 mins notice of her shifts?
You are doing a lot (lots more than my parents did but that's another thread)

*can't or don't want to do.

You are actually allowed a life of your own. She's an adult now and needs to start taking responsibility for her own children and planning it time for their care. As does her husband.

I know people like this. My SIL forced my MIL to take care of her toddler every day (by "forced" I mean she would open the door, push the kid through it and fuck off!). My MIL had terminal lung cancer. It only stopped when MIL died. There was no gratitude, no understanding, no sympathy, nothing.

You also have a very serious illness. Looking after children is going to be a strain on you, and stress can easily make breathing problems worse (voice of experience!). I think you are going to need to stop looking after the children, full stop. There is no other boundary that you will be able to enforce, because your health and wellbeing will always come a poor second to her convenience. You need to be very careful of your health. Ask your consultant if s/he thinks you are fit to be providing so much childcare.

Has your husband always given in to your daughter for a quiet life, and expected you to do the actual parenting? I wonder if this is more of a pattern than a one-off.

She's not being very fair on you so I've said YANBU, however how hard is it to rustle up baked beans on toast, or jacket potato and tuna or frozen fish fingers and mash.

how hard is it to rustle up baked beans on toast, or jacket potato and tuna or frozen fish fingers and mash
When you have COPD, I imagine it can be rather tiring. It doesn't just affect the lungs, it causes dreadful fatigue too.

@PennyWus

She's not being very fair on you so I've said YANBU, however how hard is it to rustle up baked beans on toast, or jacket potato and tuna or frozen fish fingers and mash.

Did you bother to read the thread?

The point has gone completely over your head.

@QueeniesCroft

"your health and wellbeing will always come a poor second to her convenience."

Well put.

@PennyWus

She's not being very fair on you so I've said YANBU, however how hard is it to rustle up baked beans on toast, or jacket potato and tuna or frozen fish fingers and mash.

when you have to go and walk around a supermarket with the crowds of non mask wearing people when you simply cant wear a mask yourself due being totally unable to breathe and then stand in line for the tills while controlling a couple of kids, then getting them back into the car and home, and stopping them raiding the fridge/cupboards while your trying to stand over the heat of cooking, which makes breathing very difficult (the freezer section is my favorite place in the shops!) does that give you some prospective on what is involved? oh dont forget you then have to get them to actually eat the stuff too, again can be stressful and very draining

This is shocking behaviour. DH and I are both working and we've got 2 DC in primary school. We arrange our work and other commitments around that. We have one GP living in the same village as us and we are very grateful that this GP (my parent) collects the DC ONE day a week and it's always the same day every week. I'd never expect her to plan her well-earned retirement looking after my DC with no notice or thanks.