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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 18:13

Couldn't possibly be because she's an ungrateful pisstaker, no it must be your fault.

Kanaloa · 26/09/2021 18:14

@takenforgrantednana

shes now claiming im in a bad mood! which im not, im just very very tired after 12months of only getting about 4 hours broken sleep a night
God she’s a bit rude! MIL helps us one day a week when two kids are at activities at the same time, and even though it’s a long-standing agreement if she is busy that day I just need to figure it out. She’s doing me a huge favour, she isn’t my servant.

I think she needs reminding they’re her kids and you’ve already done your child rearing.

Ell17 · 26/09/2021 18:15

@takenforgrantednana

for the last 12 months i have been having issues with my breathing, i already had asthma, but started having very bad episodes, this has involved lot and lots of hospital/gp visits, and finally i have seen a consultant, who has now said i have copd, i have plenty of more visits to the hospital to look forward too! if i miss an appt i will be removed off the list!

anyway shes just replied ok shes said about next week but still not one word of an apology

Sorry you're going through this also! She should be considerate and respectful of your current health issues, if not the babysitting.
DammedifIdo · 26/09/2021 18:15

You sound amazing! I get very little help.
However, it sounds like your daughter's dh is useless and she is doing a demanding stressful retail job and doing everything at home and for the kids. Not that this is your problem but maybe he's the one at fault rather than her? She does sound like a single parent

LemonSherbetFancies · 26/09/2021 18:17

Relative is a nanny and her employers think nothing of letting her know the schedule the day before. This is why she is looking for something new.
Agree with the others, you say you can do some days but not others. Value your time and don't put up with it.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 18:18

oh the guilt trip was much more involved than that, you only got a tiny portion of what she had to say

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 18:19

@DammedifIdo

You sound amazing! I get very little help. However, it sounds like your daughter's dh is useless and she is doing a demanding stressful retail job and doing everything at home and for the kids. Not that this is your problem but maybe he's the one at fault rather than her? She does sound like a single parent

Sorry but the answer to having a useless husband is not taking your own mother for an unpaid servant.

notanothertakeaway · 26/09/2021 18:20

In some fields, I expect shifts may be offered at short notice eg if a colleague phones in with Covid. And it's great if you can come to the rescue. But not fair to expect you to put your life on hold just in case she asks

I'd suggest you plant the seed eg "just letting you know I'm not available next Wednesday". And then build up to "sorry, not available tomorrow, I have plans"

Don't say why you're not available, as she may say "oh but could you possibly see Helen the next day instead?". Just let her know you're not available. none of her business why

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 18:21

yes she knows, i dont think she has any idea tho on just how bad even tho i was blue lighted 4 times last winter to hospital

OP posts:
supersop60 · 26/09/2021 18:21

OP - are you my dsis?
She has exactly this situation. She is learning to say no, but it's a slow process. Start now.

RandomMess · 26/09/2021 18:26

Your DD needs to start paying for after school club as a minimum.

ellyeth · 26/09/2021 18:26

It's disrespectful and inconsiderate. I think you need to read the book suggested upthread, with particular reference to "how to say no" (and stick to it, even when it causes your daughter some difficulty).

Therealjudgejudy · 26/09/2021 18:33

Your daughter is an ungrateful piss taker. Both her and her husband are treating you appallingly.

Put your foot down now and start putting yourself first Flowers

Lily78123 · 26/09/2021 18:38

This is the first time on Mumsnet that I’ve seen a 100% vote.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 26/09/2021 18:40

Your daughter and her husband sound awful. You’ve got to be more firm. No point in you moaning unless you are prepared to actual be firm
Good luck

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 18:40

What happens when you go on holiday out of term time?

Tell me please you're not running your holiday plans past her?

WingingItEveryDay7 · 26/09/2021 18:42

Wow!! She is a right user and you need to start saying no! At the end of the day, the kids are hers and husbands responsibility and they need to arrange proper childcare. They are the ones who decided to have kids and therefore need to be the ones to work around school and the holidays, not you! You've done your time!

My mum helps me which she's happy to do, but it's the same 2 days a week at the same times so we all know where we stand. If she books a holiday she gives plenty of warning do we can arrange time off etc. There is no way I'd expect her to have no life and drop everything like your daughter is doing, that's completely unreasonable!!

Sounds like your health is deteriorating and so you really need to start looking after yourself a lot more!! x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/09/2021 18:43

Blimey she’s being so rude and entitled! As well as the week’s notice requirement, I’d also start saying no a lot more, or just say “we can only do Tuesdays from now on” and stick to it.

I couldn’t believe it when you said she had a husband! So he’s sitting at home while you run around after the kids at the last minute? Sod that! (ok working from home, but loads of parents work from home and collect their own kids).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/09/2021 18:44

Really if someone is expecting help from their parents they should really remember to make social time for them too!

Ireolu · 26/09/2021 18:46

My daughter started reception 2 weeks ago and I am fed up of drop offs and pick ups already. Would kill for my mum to be around to help but alas she lives in a different country. Your daughter is taking the p.. YANBU.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 18:48

@AhNowTed

What happens when you go on holiday out of term time?

Tell me please you're not running your holiday plans past her?

we only go on holiday during term time, that is our choice tho although in the last 2 years we have only been away from home for 5 nights a few weeks ago actually
OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 26/09/2021 18:53

@takenforgrantednana

yes she knows, i dont think she has any idea tho on just how bad even tho i was blue lighted 4 times last winter to hospital
How can she not know?

I mean - we all get it, & we're just randoms on the net.

Crunchymum · 26/09/2021 19:11

Your daughter is a selfish, rude, ignorant, spoilt cow.

Your DH not seeing this leads me to believe she has always been this way.

Time to put your foot down.

My lovely MIL has my 3 kids after school x3 afternoons a week (whilst I work) and often gives them dinner.

I always provide food / anything she will need.

I always let her know if plans change (DP is self employed so if he is off, he gets the kids and has them whilst I work). We try to give her as much notice as we can but often it does end up being short notice bad weather is the main culprit we are always apologetic if we have to mess her about [it's usually that she doesn't have to get the kids but she will help at short notice, for example, if one of the kids are ill but the others need to get to school]

I am thankful, respectful and eternally grateful for the help she gives us. She is always welcome in our home and we make sure we see her away from her "childminding" help.

She won't take payment but we do the household shop every other week / take her out for dinner / send over her favourite wine.

I wish I could do more to thank her.

It's time to make some changes @takenforgrantednana

  • insist on her schedule as soon as she gets it. No schedule then no guarantee of childcare
  • start planning some things for yourself and if she hasn't given you her schedule then tough shit if your plans mean you can't have the kids
  • ask for some contribution - ask her to provide food or contribute to it.
  • make sure she sticks to pick up times on on days you do have them. If she doesn't turn up at 5pm then leave them with your DH and go out. Don't be there, don't be available for her to be an hour and a half late.
  • repeat your boundaries every time you see the cheeky mare. "Please don't be late I am going out at 5pm" start using the word "no*" as it sounds like your princess doesn't hear this often.
  • stand your ground.

You deserve so much more respect.

Tistheseason17 · 26/09/2021 19:15

I think you need to set a maximum number if days and stick to them for the sake of your health.

Do not budge and if she's rude refuse any support. So very selfish of them.

Mischance · 26/09/2021 19:20

I am a grandmother doing similar things - but not as often now. Down to once a week as she is now working part time.

My DD ALWAYS contacts me in plenty of time to ask me if I can help, establishes about whether I am feeding them, where they will be picked up afterwards etc. and always asks if that fits in with my timetable. If I have something on and have to move things around she is fine with that - does not bat an eyelid. She knows that I have my own life; and also knows that without me she would not have been able to go to work when they were pre-school age.

She is a good-mannered young woman, and I would expect nothing less.

I have other DDs whom I also help irregularly; but they always ask if it convenient for me; and always thank me.

Might I suggest that you devise a pro-forma/calendar and send it to her each weekend, so she can indicate when she needs you help - and on that calendar will be the things that you want to do that week.