school runs/babysitting taken for granted

[takenforgrantednana]

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

@QueeniesCroft

I know people like this. My SIL forced my MIL to take care of her toddler every day (by "forced" I mean she would open the door, push the kid through it and fuck off!). My MIL had terminal lung cancer. It only stopped when MIL died. There was no gratitude, no understanding, no sympathy, nothing.

You also have a very serious illness. Looking after children is going to be a strain on you, and stress can easily make breathing problems worse (voice of experience!). I think you are going to need to stop looking after the children, full stop. There is no other boundary that you will be able to enforce, because your health and wellbeing will always come a poor second to her convenience. You need to be very careful of your health. Ask your consultant if s/he thinks you are fit to be providing so much childcare.

Has your husband always given in to your daughter for a quiet life, and expected you to do the actual parenting? I wonder if this is more of a pattern than a one-off.

i used to give lessons of how to say NO, once he had perfected that, i then got him to visualise my daughters face on mine and do the same and follow thr, ok it would end up in us laughing about it but it got the piont over to him, he was a push over for her and still is to be honest, ok after tonights messaging and him reading the hurtful things she has had to say about me he has had his eyes opened and has pulled her up on it, how effective its been god only knows

It’s time to hand in your notice.

I think you need to be more assertive with her, and if you cant do it you cant do it. Your husband might well be in favour, but hes not available to collect them either, so if the two of them want to sit there and bitch about you together then they need to organise it between them. Tell them, I dont know if youve noticed but im ILL, and all ive bloody asked for is advance warning

@CyclingIsNotOuting

It’s time to hand in your notice.

After the last update, I totally agree 100%.

Ok yes true I agree getting kids to eat can be stressful. Ok you have persuaded me, but in your shoes I'd probably keep a little stash of easy cook food like pasta and a jar of sauce so you don't have the extra hassle of shopping

I wish you were my mom. She died before I had kids. Always had to rely on paid support. You sound fabulous. I worked with someone who when asked what she was doing the weekend she said babysitting her own kids! as her mom had that them so much. I rem she laughed at me once at me organising childcare for the summer in June. She asked me once how I coped without a mom. Her mom had enough and move to spain with her sister and it was a shock to the system for her.

@PennyWus

Ok yes true I agree getting kids to eat can be stressful. Ok you have persuaded me, but in your shoes I'd probably keep a little stash of easy cook food like pasta and a jar of sauce so you don't have the extra hassle of shopping

of course i keep food in the house, but take for example the summer holidays when the kids eat you out of house and home that stash soon goes down at some point you end up having to go shopping, same issues as i described

i get the arguements of getting them in the car and seatbelted, i get the raiding of the fridge/cupboards etc to find food and then wont eat their tea, im the one running around picking everything up off the floor as they just dump it and run into the toy room and trash the place, no one puts anything back or if mum or grand dad attempt then its a case of it it fits in the box thats its new home! we have about 6 jigsaws in one box and 5 boxes empty!

You’ve been a doormat for way too long, the kids are taking the piss too! I really hope your dh is stepping up to sing from the same hymn sheet as you. Your dd sounds extremely inconsiderate. The petrol issue alone is enough to say no to her (also on fumes here, nowhere has fuel in north London)

Ok glad hes finally stepped up-she sounds very ingrateful and is in danger of losing all help

OP, without wishing to be indelicate, what do you know about your prognosis? Is your condition manageable, and likely to stay about the same, or progressive? I think it may be time to think very carefully about what you are going to be able to manage as time goes on, and start preparing for that.

I'm glad that your husband is on side now, but you've already said that there have been improvements before which were followed by it all reverting to you being taken advantage of.

@PennyWus

Ok yes true I agree getting kids to eat can be stressful. Ok you have persuaded me, but in your shoes I'd probably keep a little stash of easy cook food like pasta and a jar of sauce so you don't have the extra hassle of shopping

Isnt that enougbn interrogation now the op has a chirnic illness

Ungrateful, incredibly entitled, turns up hours late, no notice, doesn't bother visiting when you're not providing childcare, makes you unwelcome in their home, now saying hurtful things, doesn't reciprocate anything. All this to her sick mother.

Honestly OP, just stop, for your physical and mental health.

It's incredibly hurtful but everything you're doing is just taken completely for granted.

I would never dream of treating my mother like this.

@QueeniesCroft

OP, without wishing to be indelicate, what do you know about your prognosis? Is your condition manageable, and likely to stay about the same, or progressive? I think it may be time to think very carefully about what you are going to be able to manage as time goes on, and start preparing for that.

I'm glad that your husband is on side now, but you've already said that there have been improvements before which were followed by it all reverting to you being taken advantage of.

well i have been a life long asthma sufferer, then last june i came down with what we thought was a chest infection (can you read where this is going? covid 19?) until last sept when the first of the trips to the hospital happened, which they treated me for a very bad asthma attack and sent me home. so as time has gone on and treatment has been tried and failed and eventually i get tested and see the consultant, which we are on very early days now, but in the letter he sent he stated that i have copd, so i will be going for my first proper check up on 4th oct so will be asking a lot of questions regarding all of that

I hope it goes well for you. And I hope your family takes care of you, instead of taking advantage.

You definitely need to put in boundaries. Can you offer one or two nights a week and that's it? So you k ow you have the rest of the week for yourself.

My mum offered me and my brother one day per week each and that was it. MIL very kindly picked up from school 3 nights per week (she was too ill to have DS before he was old enough for school). But she practically brought up SILs kids and used to feed them and drop to all activities after school plus weekends!

Yuu must put your foot down.

I feel sad for you OP! You’re helping her out a tremendous amount and she should be a lot more grateful. I also get help from my parents, who are very generous but don’t do as much as you. I thank them all the time and book in as much paid childcare as I can plan in advance. I literally have a spreadsheet that goes 6 months into the future with shift times, and update it daily so that they have as much notice as possible, and I never count on them to say yes unless they’ve specifically agreed. Your daughter should extend you at least the courtesy of being organised.

I had this . I decided as I had worked so hard at setting boundaries in other areas of my life I had to extend this to my adult children . The first time I said no it was met with stunned silence , I shut down discussion with a simple "
I've set my boundaries, don't push them " hard but gets easier & works well .

On the basis of her bratty behaviour this evening OP, it'd be a firm no from me. What about deciding what you're willing to do for the next month (if anything at all), and offering that so she can take or leave it? It takes the piss, you need to rest.

@PennyWus

Ok yes true I agree getting kids to eat can be stressful. Ok you have persuaded me, but in your shoes I'd probably keep a little stash of easy cook food like pasta and a jar of sauce so you don't have the extra hassle of shopping

Are you the daughter? The op is clearly fed up with being taken for granted. It's not all about the food.

@takenforgrantednana I agree with those who say it's time to 'hand in your notice'. Text her and her Dh separately and let them know they will have to arrange alternative childcare as you are no longer available. Then focus on your health and wellbeing and don't get sucked into her tantrums that will inevitable follow.

my husband works, but he gets home about 15 mins after i get in when i collect the kids, he loves it! he gets the "ITS GRANDAD" i get the arguements of getting them in the car and seatbelted, i get the raiding of the fridge/cupboards etc to find food and then wont eat their tea, im the one running around picking everything up off the floor as they just dump it and run into the toy room and trash the place, no one puts anything back or if mum or grand dad attempt then its a case of it it fits in the box thats its new home! we have about 6 jigsaws in one box and 5 boxes empty!

Your husband, your daughter, your grandchildren, is there anyone else you let walk all over you and won’t say no to?

It seems like you are afraid if you back down at all she will never let you see the kids? I think even if you cut back on your childcare by 90% it would still be so helpful to her that she would use you for it and you would see the kids that way.

I think you need to tell your daughter that unless she communicates with you directly, you have not consented to childcare. You will not be picking up the kids or babysitting them based on arrangements she sets up with your husband. As long as you let her know this in advance, and stick to it, she will have to learn. So will he.

I think if you have COPD and your husband is setting up childcare for you to do without your permission, and is blaming you if you don't want to be available all the time, then he is part of the problem. Does he not care about your health at all? I feel quite sad for you about this but I think it's very common for men to see women as infinite givers of childcare and they minimize that childcare is hard, physical work, because they so rarely do it and therefore have little experience of how physical it is to wrestle small children into carseats and bend down to hold their hands when you cross the street, and make sure they don't run off and pick up all their toys and run all over the house making snacks and taking kids to the potty and so on.

Decide on your limit. Once or twice a week, x number of days advance notice, NEVER babysitting on days you have medical appointments. And stick to it. Send it to her in writing, "If you want me to babysit, you must go directly through me, via email or whatsapp" (whatever works for you). If you set things up over the phone then she may misremember things to your disadvantage. "Mum you said last week on the phone you would pick them up this Tuesday, don't you remember? Your memory is going. How can you let me down like this?!?!" You need to set it up so your response is, "I told you to send it to me in writing, there's no record of you having asked that. I have a hospital appointment that day and would never make an arrangement to babysit when I have a hospital appointment."

Good luck.

She is horrible. Selfish, ungrateful witch.

You need to stop being a mug and your dh needs to step up too.

I’m glad you’re saying no. Your daughter bullies you a fair amount by the sound of it and your husband is a big part of the problem.

I hips you start looking after you dgs decidedly less. It also seems to me you shouldn’t be going to a supermarket. Can you sort out food deliveries instead?

@takenforgrantednana

well all i can say is shes in for a shock, as for those of you not in the uk, we are currently having issues with getting fuel for our cars, and mine is on fumes, they live 5 miles from me, so not a walking distance, and would take 90 mins if on public transport

my husband works, but he gets home about 15 mins after i get in when i collect the kids, he loves it! he gets the "ITS GRANDAD" i get the arguements of getting them in the car and seatbelted, i get the raiding of the fridge/cupboards etc to find food and then wont eat their tea, im the one running around picking everything up off the floor as they just dump it and run into the toy room and trash the place, no one puts anything back or if mum or grand dad attempt then its a case of it it fits in the box thats its new home! we have about 6 jigsaws in one box and 5 boxes empty!

Why do you have to buy something to entertain the kids every time you have them? I You have a toy room and the kids to the toys all over the floor.

If you don't want the kids to raid the fridge and the food cupboard and then not eat their tea then ban all snacks before tea and don't go shopping for treats on the way home.

right i have to go to the shops everytime i have the kids, not becuse im buying "TREATS" im buying thing for their meal, and putting a ban on snacks before their meal is far easier to say than it is to stop happening, it wears you out the constant nagging over and over along with the screaming and hanging off the door handles of the cupboards , i have lost count of the number of so called childproof locks they have destroyed! and finally as for the toys, its not yet more toys i buy but we do get thing such as baking or painting stuff i encourage their reading by getting them to work together and read a recipe while the other one actually does what the instructions say, it encourages them by having to listen because that is what your eating!