school runs/babysitting taken for granted

[takenforgrantednana]

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

Wow! I've just read this thread having been directed to it from your other thread.

If your daughter drops off your grandchildren, tell her "Oh, and you need to leave food for them as I haven't been out to the shops." Let her provide the food for them. It's not up to you to do that any more.

As for your DH, I'd kick him out to the cararvan! That's a really horrible thing to say to anyone. If he wants to separate, he'd better be useful to you financially so that you can move to an area where there are clubs and groups that meet during the day that would allow you to build a friendship group. It would also mean that you might be in an area that would make it harder for your daughter to rely on you so much as you wouldn't be able to guarantee that you'd be available to collect your grandchildren from school.

I'm just wondering if there is a service that would allow your grandchildren to be collected from school and dropped to you or even dropped home (as you mention their father works from home) so they would be better off there. Can you find that out from the school and present it to your daughter as something you noticed on the school noticeboard or something??

If I were you @takenforgrantednana, when my daughter would ask if I was available, I'd have to say one of the following:

• I have an appointment with my consultant, I'm not available that day
• My consultant has advised me to take up mild exercise so I'm not available that day
• I have an appointment (nails/hair/whatever, just don't specify) and I can't do collection that day.
• Why don't you ask your father to do collection as he could finish early that day?
• why don't you ask their dad if he could finish early that day as I'm not available?

On the times that you do have your grandchildren, I would tell her to provide food for them. It's no longer going to be your job to make sure that you have their type of food in for them. Or better still, fill them full of sugar (because you wouldn't have anything in for them) so they are bouncing off the ceilings and walls with energy.

Best of luck with it!

As someone in your position, but not being taken for granted, I can empathise. You have made an attempt to set ground rules that failed, now you need to up your game! Decide with your partner what is acceptable or unacceptable, then tell your daughter. I like to know as far in advance as possible, so I can make my own appointments etc. I have my longstanding childcare arrangements, every Monday for example, that are set in stone on both sides. Others are more fluid, but these are the ones that I cheerfully decline without a pang of conscience. The children are my grandchildren, not my children, not my responsibility. My adult children totally understand this and never, never try to take the mickey! If there is a genuine emergency, I willingly step into the breach, but it's got to involve blood or broken bones!

Just caught up on this thread. I can’t understand why she’s contacting you via Facebook, can’t she call you?

I think maybe it’s hit the point with your health and your relationship that you suggest she pays for after school club (if her school has one) and for your husband to get them from there and sort them out.

@Minionbums

Just caught up on this thread. I can’t understand why she’s contacting you via Facebook, can’t she call you?

I think maybe it’s hit the point with your health and your relationship that you suggest she pays for after school club (if her school has one) and for your husband to get them from there and sort them out.

i havent got a clue why she chooses to use text/facebook rather than phone, maybe as its got something to do with being able to check word for word what was said and by who?

mind you she doesnt follow much of what i say anyway, speaking face to face, she goes off on one forgets to breath! thats how bad she gets, blames me and says im taking it out on her and punishing her! then rants and raves at me, you cant get a word in with her. she twists what you do manage to say to what she wants to hear, strangely she only does this with me! her dad? well butter wouldnt melt on him according to her yet he is half the problem and if the sentance when he talks to me starts with "i thought" welllllllllll that is exactly what he didnt do.