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Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 14:02

@3scape

I'm a knitter and often just stay in to do it. But I've recently discovered a knitting club locally that meet up, so I'm going to give it a go. If you'd like to that there might be a club to socialise (and a group of people to enable your assumed yarn buying habit). I'm sorry your daughter has such an entitled attitude to childcare, I'm always shocked by people cheeky enough to do this. Hopefully she's going to be forced to get her childcare resolved between her and her husband and they will both grow up enough to take some responsibility.
like i said ive been down this route before and there is nothing around here
OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 28/09/2021 14:38

She's walking all over you and being very unfair. Her reaction to you saying you couldn't help says it all

AhNowTed · 28/09/2021 18:11

OP, seriously there are a number of things you can do.

I found myself fairly friendless at one point in the not too distant.

I joined a walking group. Nothing too strenuous but a regular once a month 5-6 mile walk. This has been one of the best decisions in my life.

Friends lead to friends, and I now consider those friends I met through other friends the best people I know.

I'm now regularly invited to drinks and other social occasions.

I had to make the effort, but it paid off.

Ok so I tried pottery (got carried away with the C4 program) and while I enjoyed it, I didn't gel with anyone. And so lost interest.

Same with golf.

But I moved on.

For what it's worth, I'm 56. I get the impression you're around my age.

Don't give up. There are loads of folks in your situation.

Try a few things. They won't all work out but chances are something will.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 28/09/2021 18:30

@AhNowTed

OP, seriously there are a number of things you can do.

I found myself fairly friendless at one point in the not too distant.

I joined a walking group. Nothing too strenuous but a regular once a month 5-6 mile walk. This has been one of the best decisions in my life.

Friends lead to friends, and I now consider those friends I met through other friends the best people I know.

I'm now regularly invited to drinks and other social occasions.

I had to make the effort, but it paid off.

Ok so I tried pottery (got carried away with the C4 program) and while I enjoyed it, I didn't gel with anyone. And so lost interest.

Same with golf.

But I moved on.

For what it's worth, I'm 56. I get the impression you're around my age.

Don't give up. There are loads of folks in your situation.

Try a few things. They won't all work out but chances are something will.

"Friends lead to friends, and I now consider those friends I met through other friends the best people I know." but even having 1 friend would give you an advantage over me, yes i accept that one friend can lead to more, but i dont have the one friend at all

yeah im 56 too, hate hate hate sports! so any excersise classes etc are out, plus my health wont allow me. as for the try a few things out well i have done in the past, they all lead to nothing, that is why i just hang around home now while i try to learn to accept thats the way things are going to be

OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 01/10/2021 13:36

ok so for those of you who commented, here is an update.

so since sunday there has been absolutely NO CONTACT whatsoever!

i now i said i would do this coming monday/tuesday pick ups, and i know this really sounds horrible but i have decided that although i will go to th school in time, i will watch from a distance to see what happens, if she turns up to collect the kids great, if not then i will walk over as if i was stuck in traffic. im not going to leave the kids waiting and affected by their mums actions, i will just go to her work and drop them off at what should be her finnishing time.

the more i think about it and the more time that passes it really is looking like she just sees me as a last resort unpaid childminder

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 01/10/2021 13:50

Sadly Op, I think that's the truth!

Ragwort · 01/10/2021 14:03

If you are looking for something to do why don't you consider volunteering in a charity shop? I manage a charity shop and we have a lovely bunch of volunteers aged 14-88 .. all sorts of people, some are retired, some work part time, students, school pupils doing DoE etc etc. Choose your shop carefully ... ask for a couple of 'trial' shifts before you commit to make sure you like the team. I never have to advertise volunteers, people come to us because they like the atmosphere of the shop.

And do try WI .. some meet in the afternoon.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 01/10/2021 14:13

@Ragwort

If you are looking for something to do why don't you consider volunteering in a charity shop? I manage a charity shop and we have a lovely bunch of volunteers aged 14-88 .. all sorts of people, some are retired, some work part time, students, school pupils doing DoE etc etc. Choose your shop carefully ... ask for a couple of 'trial' shifts before you commit to make sure you like the team. I never have to advertise volunteers, people come to us because they like the atmosphere of the shop.

And do try WI .. some meet in the afternoon.

ive tried the charity shop route, its a no go, they seem to have their own little cliche of people, ive ben on their "lists" for volenteers now for yers and not once have they phoned, as for the WI i have checked that out too and they are all in the evening within a 20 mile of where i live
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RothRoth · 01/10/2021 14:15

That's a good idea OP. I did a similar thing when ex-h was being a bit of a git and forcing his girlfriend on our sons when they couldn't stand her. I went really early and parked where I could see them leave the school just in case they needed me.

Ragwort · 01/10/2021 14:29

That's very sad taken, where I live the charity shops are crying out for volunteers.

Maybe try again? Covid has meant that a lot of volunteers have returned.

RobertaFirmino · 01/10/2021 14:38

The CS where I work would be delighted to have you on board taken. We're a nice bunch too, honest!

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 12/10/2021 11:38

well into the second and third week after the blow up, we /1 did the days last week as requested, was asked about this week having them on the monday and wednesday, but she only sked me on the monday night. cutting it very fine for the "at least 7 days notice" so along comes this monday and i collected the kids. mum comes to collect them from here where we had gently turned the conversation thinking it was half term next week etc etc still nothing from her until about 15 mins in and she finally asked about is it ok for next week on the monday and wednesday, so i pulled her up, reminding her about what i had said being at least 7 days, to which she just blew up the problem being is that hubby thinks im being rediculous now, and all he can see is that she did give 7 days notice as she did the previous week so whats the problem. ive tried to explain to him that on both occassions she had pushed the limit right down to the bone and if like she has done in the past "forgets" then what? suddenly it becomes ok if asked on the 6th day? which will then become the 5th day

things have gone from bad to worse, my husband has told me he is sick of this stuff, that he no longer wants me around, he doesnt love me at all. and that if im to stay in the house then i better get out and get a job and pay for myself. the one job i was any good at they are crying out for more people, the wage is massive at the moment, but unfortunately my health wouldnt allow me to do the job, i just wouldnt pass the medical with my gp as i have copd and heart failure.

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 12/10/2021 18:23

Oh Op, so sorry to read this. Why is your DH behaving so horribly?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 12/10/2021 18:46

@JacquelineCarlyle

Oh Op, so sorry to read this. Why is your DH behaving so horribly?
god knows, other than he really just doesnt love me anymore in his words from last night, but i already knew that
OP posts:
MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 12/10/2021 20:22

I'm so sorry to read that. I have no friends either and since divorcing my abusive ex I'm very much on my own! I really don't believe you deserve any of this! I wish you were my neighbour.

Well, maybe you should get some legal advice. You obviously cannot work for health reasons so it is possible you would be happier on your own without toxic relationships. Would you be prepared to say roughly where you live? If you are near me I'd love to meet up for a coffee. Please take care of yourself. Keep us updated. I'm sure there are lots of ladies here who would love to meet you. I'm in Co. Durham btw.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 12/10/2021 21:48

@MyMoneyIsAllSpent

I'm so sorry to read that. I have no friends either and since divorcing my abusive ex I'm very much on my own! I really don't believe you deserve any of this! I wish you were my neighbour. Well, maybe you should get some legal advice. You obviously cannot work for health reasons so it is possible you would be happier on your own without toxic relationships. Would you be prepared to say roughly where you live? If you are near me I'd love to meet up for a coffee. Please take care of yourself. Keep us updated. I'm sure there are lots of ladies here who would love to meet you. I'm in Co. Durham btw.
ooooo im not that far from you then! im near teesside airport
OP posts:
MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 13/10/2021 08:16

I've no idea how far away you are! Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle.

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 08:33

What an awful time for SadI can't believe how nasty your H is, seems your DD takes after him.

Presumably your old role can't be done very part time? It means you would be no longer available to provide childcare as all your energy would go into working.

Thanks
RandomMess · 13/10/2021 08:34

Teesside airport is pretty close to the south border of County Durham!

Snog · 13/10/2021 15:26

Can you ask to have a discussion with DD & SIL about childcare?
Say that the current situation doesn't work for you and why. That shift work makes things difficult and late notice even more so?

Maybe say that you need to take a break due to your health but would be happy to help with the kids at half term/ school holidays and to see them at weekends?

If DD is forced to arrange her own childcare she may then be more appreciative in the future or change jobs to more regular hours.

I feel for you, COPD must make life hard and your DH doesn't sound very supportive and loving towards you.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 13/10/2021 16:14

@Snog

Can you ask to have a discussion with DD & SIL about childcare? Say that the current situation doesn't work for you and why. That shift work makes things difficult and late notice even more so?

Maybe say that you need to take a break due to your health but would be happy to help with the kids at half term/ school holidays and to see them at weekends?

If DD is forced to arrange her own childcare she may then be more appreciative in the future or change jobs to more regular hours.

I feel for you, COPD must make life hard and your DH doesn't sound very supportive and loving towards you.

we have already done that and it didnt go down well at all, in fact matter got worse as the following week she just disregarded it all together.

seeing the kids at weekends is out as she regards that as "family time".

as for hubby he does what he thinks is expected of him, nothing more and nothing less, there is no love involved in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 13/10/2021 16:21

@MyMoneyIsAllSpent

I've no idea how far away you are! Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle.
that depends on where abouts in co durham you are
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aloris · 13/10/2021 20:42

Your husband sounds awful, expecting his wife with COPD and heart failure to go back to work. Sorry you have to deal with that.

I couldn't figure out from your post whether your daughter met your deadline or not. I would say if you have a deadline, that's the deadline, stick to the deadline. If you feel she's trying to take advantage without officially falling afoul of the deadline, make the deadline more specific. Like: you need to tell me if you'll need me next Monday by 9 pm on the previous Monday night, by email. Something like that. Then stick to that. Otherwise it's just going to be too hard to manage it, especially with an unsupportive husband.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 13/10/2021 20:58

@aloris

Your husband sounds awful, expecting his wife with COPD and heart failure to go back to work. Sorry you have to deal with that.

I couldn't figure out from your post whether your daughter met your deadline or not. I would say if you have a deadline, that's the deadline, stick to the deadline. If you feel she's trying to take advantage without officially falling afoul of the deadline, make the deadline more specific. Like: you need to tell me if you'll need me next Monday by 9 pm on the previous Monday night, by email. Something like that. Then stick to that. Otherwise it's just going to be too hard to manage it, especially with an unsupportive husband.

yes i am going to have to be more specific as you suggested as neither hubby or daughter can see the problem, so for example if she wanted me to have the kids on the monday 7th @Lily78123

anywa just to top things off, something happened at her work requiring her to stay long than we had agreed, no phone call or text to me about that, she asked her dad! yet it was me who at that point in time was sat outside the school waiting to collect the kids, and it was me who drove them home, me who sorted them out and then grand dad finally came in from work and took them to the park, where once again it was me who cooked there tea after being told of the change of plans. she then came here to collect the kids and couldnt even muster a thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 13/10/2021 21:02

opps that has missed a fair bit off! it should read

have the kids on the monday 7th at 3.30 then she had to ask me before monday 1st however i did state that it was "at least 7 days notice" so should have been asking on the sunday really

OP posts: