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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school runs/babysitting taken for granted

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 15:26

so for the last few years i have been helping my daughter out with doing the school runs, days and length of time i have the kids varies depending on her shifts at work. and this is where the problem lies!

on several occassions now we have put our foot down and told her repeatedly that we need to know what her shifts are and if she requires the kids to be collected or not, and things start ok for a short time, but then after a few weeks it slowly slips back into the previous pattern of last min " mum could you just"

now dont get me wrong i love my grandkids to bits, but i cant plan anything in either my life or for them, i dont know from one day to the other if im having them over or not, if i am, am i feeding them? its got to the point that the youngest who is 5 has even remarked that nana always goes shopping before collecting them from school! well yes i do because i need to buy stuff in for their meal! or to keep them entertained while they are here.

surely im not asking much? no way does she get asked to come into work on the monday, only to be able to ask me at 8 pm sunday?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/09/2021 16:23

She's taking you for granted & I do wonder if she's genuinely working the whole time the children are with you.

Just tell her you can do set days but not others.

What about her husband and his family?

Yummymummy2020 · 26/09/2021 16:27

I have two young kids and wouldn’t dream of treating my mum like this. I agree you need to set some boundaries!!

tickledtiger · 26/09/2021 16:30

I’d be kissing my mums feet if she did this.

I think you should just tell her how you feel, if she has any sense she will change her ways. Has she ever had to organise alternate childcare? I assume not or she wouldn’t be pushing her luck with you!

Cakeandcardio · 26/09/2021 16:32

Is part of the problem that she is generally a chaotic person? So, for example, always scrambling around to get kids organised etc instead of leaving clothes out or the like? I'm not saying she shouldn't treat you better- she should. But she might also not really have the ability to plan for herself. I agree with others though, if it makes your life chaotic then stop. It won't get better for you if you keep being available.

converseandjeans · 26/09/2021 16:33

Also what's her job? Is it not similar hours each week?

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 16:39

@converseandjeans

Also what's her job? Is it not similar hours each week?
she works in retail, her hours change all the time, days off change, non of that was what she told us when she took the job 4 years ago,
OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/09/2021 16:40

My sibling does the exact same thing to my mum.
It drives me mad, both the way my sibling is, but also the way that my mum is as this has always been the way their relationship works and I think they both contribute to the problem. They would be more organised if they didn't have such a good safety net.

Your husband doesnt get a say since it's not him doing the work.

You've asked your daughter and she reverts back after a couple of weeks.

So I'd do one of three things.

Say you will only pick up with a weeks notice and stick to it rigidly.

Now things are more open, either plan a load of stuff at after school time or pretend to. And stick to those arrangements if she asks you to do something last minute. 'Oh no I can't do Wednesday, I'm meeting Jane for coffee / Barbaba for a walk/ I've booked a hair cut / swim / national trust outing etc. If I'd known about it before today I'd have been able to help out, never mind, I'm sure you'll find someone to help'. A few times of this and she will be forced to start being more organised

humblesims · 26/09/2021 16:45

our only chance to see the kids is if i go and collect them from school, my daughter NEVER just pops over on a weekend, and its been made very clear we cant just turn up either as that is their FAMILY time
I think she's taking you for a mug.

MzHz · 26/09/2021 16:45

So @takenforgrantednana have you thought how you’re going to rebalance this?

MzHz · 26/09/2021 16:48

You do have to be less available and say that you’re busy this week and next week it’s one day max by arrangement only

Ignore your h, he’s not doing any of the heavy lifting

Your dd is totally and royally taking the piss.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 16:50

The only way to sort this is to tell her that she is taking the piss and she either shows you consideration or she makes other childcare arrangements

And mean it.

If she throws a tantrum well tough shit.

DomPom47 · 26/09/2021 16:56

You sound great. I would love to have someone like you that I could ask for help with collection of kids just for a single day let alone at the drop of a hat. I hope your daughter is at least verbally thankful when she collects the kids and treats you to something you like to eat or drink.

dworky · 26/09/2021 16:58

She is totally taking the piss. Stop doing it & she will hopefully learn to appreciate all you do & treat you with some respect.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 17:00

right well shes just messaged asking about monday and tuesday tea time collections, ive told her now its becoming too much of a habit and that i need at least one week notice from now on and i have told her that her husband will have to collect them on monday and tuesday

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 17:04

@Chloemol

If you husband doesn’t see what the problem is then he can collect and look after the kids and you do whatever it is you arranged to do

Bet he only does it once then comes on board with you

I agree. If your Dh thinks it's fine for your dd to treat you like the unpaid skivvy you are, then leave him to do it all and see how long he lasts. Let him be the one your dd texts from now on, let him sort food and collect the kids. You go and do your own thing, meet friends, go out for coffee whatever you like. After a few days of this I imagine your dh will be on your side and then you can both tell dd to have some respect for you and either give notice or find alternative childcare. You can stop altogether if you wish. You've reared you kids and are under no obligation to provide free childcare for anyone else.
Driftingblue · 26/09/2021 17:06

Glad to see you set some boundaries.

Now start making some life plans. Even make plans several months in advance. You do not have to always be available, even if she asks. I would make it clear to her that this is happening so she and her husband can find a child care provider, either for primary use or simply to add to the mix of care. Parents are responsible for securing child care, not grandparents. It’s great when you can help out, but it’s a favor, not an obligation.

Ell17 · 26/09/2021 17:07

A weeks notice is more than reasonable. Good luck OP. I'd be interested to know her response.

Separately, my mum looks after my DS occasionally and i always give plenty of notice. Sometimes I collect him early because I feel guilty she's had him for a whole afternoon! She's yet to collect him from school, but it's planned well in advance.
Your DD is most certainly taking advantage and as you say, asking for her shift pattern is my know means unreasonable in the slightest!

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 17:10

She has a husband 🙄

The way you were taking I assumed she was a single parent.

FFS there's a pair of them in it.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 26/09/2021 17:12

@AhNowTed

She has a husband 🙄

The way you were taking I assumed she was a single parent.

FFS there's a pair of them in it.

yes but he is erm only interested in himself unless he is pushed into things, hes been to our house twice in the last 9 months! and that was to collect the kids when they had a sleep over
OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/09/2021 17:13

Good.
You are doing her a huge favour and it is not at all unreasonable to be given a little consideration, not treated like you exist to serve!

RandomMess · 26/09/2021 17:14

I would also have 1 or 2 weekdays (same each week) where you are unavailable.

The fact her DH doesn't want to do the school run would have me 🤬

SanFranBear · 26/09/2021 17:15

@takenforgrantednana

right well shes just messaged asking about monday and tuesday tea time collections, ive told her now its becoming too much of a habit and that i need at least one week notice from now on and i have told her that her husband will have to collect them on monday and tuesday
This is a great start - will be interested in her response as she'll certainly not be expecting it.

Can I just echo how fab you are.. I have never had help from my parents (were overseas and sadly both dead now) and my lovely MIL had a stressful, full time job herself so her help is rare (although very much treasured!) Value yourself more - you're not just your DDs mother and you GDC's granny! You deserve to enjoy yourself, doing things you enjoy. You also don't want to get to the point where you stop enjoying spending time with your GDC. It's a special time and the current set up is making it into a resented chore!

Ragwort · 26/09/2021 17:15

Sorry to say but your DD sounds very self centred and really doesn't appreciate that you have a life too. Several years ago I knew a similar mum
who used her own mum like that - the poor gran (NOT saying you are like this) was in very poor health, could barely get out of her car to meet the kids (used two sticks) and just looked utterly worn out. I vaguely knew the mum & she would laughingly tell us 'my mum loves having the kids' and boast about how often she went to spas etc leaving the kids with her mother in addition to all the school pick ups, after school care, holiday care etc etc Sad.

I knew someone else whose DMIL had the DC every Thursday.... one year the parents went away for a romantic week leaving the DC with DMIL for the week (DMIL also cared for her own elderly mother) they were returning on a Wednesday but she said to her DMIL 'you will have the DC on Thursday as normal won't you'. Shock.

VitalsStable · 26/09/2021 17:16

Just start being busy. Oh sorry love not Monday and Tuesday, didn't know you needed us, so planned on taking Carol and Bob to the garden centre Monday and then out for a nice long cycle ride Tuesday afternoon with Dennis and Angela. (It's going to rain heavily Tuesday afternoon though so be sure to pack your cagoule 😘

SanFranBear · 26/09/2021 17:17

Too many 'enjoys' in there but expect you know what I mean Grin