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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws and Christmas

370 replies

TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:06

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

OP posts:
nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 21:09

Is this a joke? She refused to spend Christmas day with her children once they reached 17?

And now want you to change yours? At yelled at your mum over it?

And you are considering doing as they want?

Leftphalange · 25/09/2021 21:11

She didn't want to spend Christmas with her own children until it suited her. Don't let her guilt trip you- this isn't about spending time with her child on Xmas day.

Do your normal thing this Xmas,etc your husband deal with his mother, and don't give it a 2nd thought.

Leftphalange · 25/09/2021 21:11

Etc should say, let!

ParkheadParadise · 25/09/2021 21:13

Fuck that shit
I'd be telling MIL to go with her sisters.

If my MIL had ever looked at my mum the wrong way never mind shouted at her in a supermarket I'd have told her to fuck off and don't come back.

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 21:13

Wow!

What a weird tradition to start with.
Secondly how awful for your mum! I hope she's ok. My mum would be so shaken up by that.

Original poster
TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:14

I know it's mad. I can see now after reading it back the reason why they're targeting me is because I'm such a push over. If the general consensus here is I'm not being unreasonable does anyone have any tips on how to do the awkward phone call tomorrow or should I just leave it to DH?

OP posts:
Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 21:14

I'd have nothing more to do with her ever. How dare she.

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 21:14

Let DH do it. Go No Contact with her. She's awful.

PooWillyNameChange · 25/09/2021 21:15

Well this is one of the most bizarre things I've read on MN. No YANBU, but they seriously chuck kids out of the proceedings when 17? Are they in a cult or something?

RudestLittleMadam · 25/09/2021 21:16

You’re actually asking if you’re being unreasonable? You know the answer already, surely?

kakeya97 · 25/09/2021 21:16

Jesus op. What a nightmare. YANBU. Your mil and her siblings sound like a nightmare. the original set up with your mil at her parents with siblings and under 17's sounded odd tbf and it got worse.

You are not obliged to host dinner for your mil and her sisters. Don't do it. Especially as they had dinner alone for years with no adults invited if over 17? Wtaf?

Neither is your own mother obliged to host your mil. Even if she did host for your mil, she is no way obliged to do it for your mil's sisters. That is insane.

Mil was totally out of line speaking to your mother like that today.

Speak to mil and see if she comes to any sense. If not leave her to do it.

Why isn't your mil's sisters spending it with their children? If your mum is that bothered she can spend it when them.

To me it sounds like your mil is weirdly close to her sisters. Siblings closeness is great but I find when you grow up and have your own families christmasses tend to spread out a bit. I must admit I get a bit put out by fully grown siblings who are glued at the hip and can't do anything separately.

I repeat do not host for your mil and her sisters. You'll end up expecting to do it every year and never get out of it. Yes you've spent every year with your family but it sounds like your mil has been happy with that for years prior to this.

nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 21:17

Leave to dh. Tell him you agree with him and your aren't changing Christmas plans and they you are extremely unhappy about teh way she spoke to your mother.

Then let him deal with it. Do not host her or any of her sisters for Christmas. Definitely don't not spend it with your mum, when it's her who had to host your mils own dd.

HungryHippo11 · 25/09/2021 21:17

Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year?
Don't even think about doing this!!!

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 21:18

It's enough notice they can book a carvery and give them their detailed instructions!

BananaPB · 25/09/2021 21:18

If you give in this year, it'll be harder to refuse next year plus you'll have the dread of having to check that she has made alternative arrangements.

Definitely say no. Their behaviour at the supermarket helps you case tbh. Does your h's sister have somewhere to go?

There's 3 of them - why don't they celebrate as a trio?

MouseRoar · 25/09/2021 21:20

Christ that's properly strange behaviour, is she always nuts or just in relation to Christmas?

ParkheadParadise · 25/09/2021 21:21

@TurkeyTescos

I know it's mad. I can see now after reading it back the reason why they're targeting me is because I'm such a push over. If the general consensus here is I'm not being unreasonable does anyone have any tips on how to do the awkward phone call tomorrow or should I just leave it to DH?
Awkward phone call???? I wouldn't be bloody phoning her.

Surely your Mil should be phoning to apologise to your mum.

MouseRoar · 25/09/2021 21:21

I mean, imagine turning your children away at Christmas!!??!

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2021 21:21

Why on earth would you phone her? Your dh can call her to give her the huge bollocking she deserves. Fucking outrage to shout at your poor mum in that way. As someone on another thread said, very ‘common’.

Original poster
TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:21

@Dinoroaraus

Wow!

What a weird tradition to start with.
Secondly how awful for your mum! I hope she's ok. My mum would be so shaken up by that.

Thanks, my mums got more of a backbone than me she said she wished them both a good day and walked off.
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 25/09/2021 21:22

She sounds like a bitch ditching her dc once they are 17 and then demanding how the dinner should be cooked. Il be fuming if she bullied my mother like that.

pelosi · 25/09/2021 21:22

YANBU, MIL was remarkably short sighted not to have realised this day would come.

You and your DM have been more than kind offering to have MIL. Them trying to impose MIL’s sisters on you is a joke.

Don’t host them, if you do, it will be expected every year!

I’d tell MIL that as everyone is upset about what happened in the supermarket, it’s best she spend Christmas with her sisters this year and then let’s see what the next year brings.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 25/09/2021 21:22

If anyone behaved towards DM like that they'd be gone from my life.

QueenBee52 · 25/09/2021 21:23

Uninvite MIL...

and leave them to it 🤣

nixso29 · 25/09/2021 21:24

Your poor mum! I actually am genuinely shocked by the whole weird tradition from start to finish!

Absolutely do not host MIL or her sisters in any way shape or form. She has made a rod for her own back in choosing how to spend every previous Xmas so now has to deal with the consequences.

Good on your husband for not giving in to her demands, that must have hurt in his younger years practically being abandoned by his mum on the one day of the year which is supposed to be spent with loved ones!

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