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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws and Christmas

370 replies

TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:06

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 26/09/2021 04:02

So it was OK for her to throw her own kids out to fend for themselves at Christmas, but now she has no parents she expects you to look after her ? I'd tell her she can do what her own kids did, and look after herself.

Ragwort · 26/09/2021 04:13

I can hardly believe this, surely the remaining three sisters can just get together and cook their Christmas meal together Confused ... presumably without their own DHs .... what an odd set up.

And your MIL is only in her 60s, I am the same age and can't imagine anything so bizarre but also I am perfectly happy and would prefer to spend a peaceful Christmas Day on my own.

DollyPartBaked · 26/09/2021 04:29

Your DH GPs must have been odd - odd for one person to reject their kids at 17 but incredibly weird for all 3 of them to think this was acceptable. Leave them to it and let DH deal with MIL from now on.

I wonder if they will be able to impose on any of the cousins now!

1forAll74 · 26/09/2021 04:31

It's only September, so why are people getting in such a state about Christmas dinner, The mind boggles, !

MitheringMytryl · 26/09/2021 04:34

She sounds like a total wanker. I wouldn't have her in my house again, nevermind just for Christmas.

echt · 26/09/2021 04:48

@1forAll74

It's only September, so why are people getting in such a state about Christmas dinner, The mind boggles, !
Read the OP's OP.
Disfordarkchocolate · 26/09/2021 04:59

Wow!! I can't imagine this will ever be beaten, the oddest Christmas Day set up ever. Its like they were all brainwashed.

Definitely leave your husband to it.

Cocogreen · 26/09/2021 05:04

OP that is the nuttiest family family dynamic ever!
So the MIL and her children had " their " Christmas but including children under 17. What about the spouses? So families were split on the day, say one kid over 17 can't come but the ones who were 13 and 14 can?
Why did everyone put up with this absolute nonsense?

frazzledasarock · 26/09/2021 05:10

Why do so many women on here do this?

Your DH has a cool slightly distant relationship with his mother. Predates you.

Yet you ‘step in’ with communication.

Why?

I have a friendly relationship with my MIL, I like her a lot.

I’m never ever going to ‘step in’ with communication with her though. That’s between her and her son. My DH also tends to be haphazard in contact with his mum because she does favour SIL. That’s their business and family dynamics. Why would I take it upon myself to go over my DH’s head and direct communications instead of letting him get on with it.

You’re both reaping what you sow really. MIL is now facing Christmases having to do her own thing, and you’ve got a taste of what your DH us been trying to avoid over the years.
She’s his mum let them get on with their relationship.

And you’d be a fool to still go ahead and do Christmas with your MIL & her sisters after their behaviour. Why do you have this compulsion to act as a doormat?

daisy46 · 26/09/2021 06:15

I love reading an OP with good boundaries. You've got them and so does your mum. Stick with them.

The only thing I MIGHT do is relent and allow MIL to come solo as originally planned, IF she properly apologized to you and mum for her sister's behavior and really did want to come to yours for Christmas.

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2021 06:26

The whole tradition sounds very odd to start with

Let your dh handle all the comms; it’s his weird family not yours

MrsDThomas · 26/09/2021 06:49

Fuck me, shes one bitch.
How can you tell your 17 year old there is no welcome at the Christmas table? Fucking heartbreaking,

snowblack · 26/09/2021 07:20

This can’t be for real.

Billybagpuss · 26/09/2021 07:21

So if the dc couldn’t find somewhere else to go did they just get to sit up in their room with a microwave lasagna while everyone else celebrated downstairs?

KingdomScrolls · 26/09/2021 07:47

I would just in a very wide eyed way say 'oh you and your sisters are over seventeen, we couldn't possibly host you, I know how important that tradition is to you'

Beautiful3 · 26/09/2021 07:48

She refused to allow all of her children to spend Xmas with them once they turned 17?! They literally had to find somewhere to go for Christmas day?!! Thats horrible. So now she has nowhere to go, she's demanding you have her?! Unbelievable! You have to tell her that it's no longer possible to join your mother's Christmas day. Where she goes is really not your concern. Just like she had none when it came to your husband! You reap what you sow. Never invite her and her sisters over.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/09/2021 08:05

I hope your DH goes ballistic at her for the way your DM was treated

She would never be welcome in my house again after this

LakieLady · 26/09/2021 08:12

3 grown women who have reared their own families should be well capable of cooking a nice Christmas meal for themselves. Even if they've never done a turkey themselves, there are plenty of guides in weekend papers, monthly magazines and seasonal specials every year to tell them what to do

Quite. After all, it's only a roast dinner with a few extra sides. It's not rocket science.

Member984815 · 26/09/2021 08:16

You reap what you sow , she didn't mind excluding her own children and now she wants to have people pander to her , it'd be a big fat no from me . Your husband is right leave her to make her own arrangements

Phineyj · 26/09/2021 08:18

Be guided by your DH here. I think he knew what he was doing! His behaviour can't speak clearer really can it - he prefers your mum and one can see why!

FatCatThinCat · 26/09/2021 08:25

I voted YABU on the basis that you're considering host MIL at yours.

ememem84 · 26/09/2021 08:28

I’d love to say it’s the craziest Christmas ever. But fil and his gf won’t have the dc for Christmas. DH is invited on occasion. As am I. But the dc have to be somewhere else. So we don’t go. Abs we go to my parents who welcome their dgc.

FreedomFaith · 26/09/2021 08:29

Being blunt, but do you have mug written on your forehead?

No, you shouldn't be hosting this bitch or her two sisters. For the love of God, she screamed at your mother in a shop! She let her equally bitchy sister scream at your mother in a shop. Are you really going to reward such behaviour by having them over for Christmas? Would you also reward a toddler when they have a tantrum? Treat them like toddlers, they haven't aged past that.

And stop feeling guilty over it. Yeah she's had a tough year, but if she hadn't made it clear that her children are an inconvenience to her, then maybe she would actually have a loving family, as would her sisters. But they are bitches and deserve to be alone. If a mother can do that to her own kids, with no feeling of regret or guilt which she clearly doesn't, and doesn't find it odd that her kids don't want to talk to her either, that just proves to you she is a shit mother and a shit person. Rotten to the core. She deserves no sympathy, she made her bed. End all contact to her, none whatsoever again. They have proven they only care about themselves. So they can spend the rest of their sad pathetic lives together, no one else wants them.

Imnothereforthedrama · 26/09/2021 08:39

How very odd , absolutely do not host do not engage further . You’ve told her no that’s the end of it . Let her behave like a ridiculous child , bad year or not we do not demand things .

motherofcatsandbears · 26/09/2021 08:45

Sounds like she’s lost her marbles.
Time for her and her precious siblings to start a new tradition of fucking off somewhere together (Spain, Portugal, the moon, Mars?)
Remind her to take her instruction booklet so the staff don’t let them down.
DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER