In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

If you're feeling generous then suggest that now's a good time to book a meal out.

This is so weird, I had to read it twice. What parent doesn’t want to see their dc at Christmas and kicks them out?! Peculiar. Let her reap what she has sown and don’t give in to her now.

@Piggy42

This is so weird, I had to read it twice. What parent doesn’t want to see their dc at Christmas and kicks them out?! Peculiar. Let her reap what she has sown and don’t give in to her now.

The same kind of people who put adult children at the kids table, I suspect 😂

It seems that most of DH cousins feel the same about being turfed out at 17 and that's why two of the sisters + MIL are struggling to find somewhere to go.

Karmas a bitch.

Invite FIL and leave her to entertain herself like she’s left plenty of people before hand.

No no no, do not host her "this one time" or ever. Do not let her ruin your day. Also if it is tradition to go somewhere else after you turn 17, how come her parents didn't turf her out when she was 17?

Op, I've read many absolutely absurd Xmas threads over the years but nothing like this!

I can't understand what's going on or how or why... The important, the most important thing is you hold the line and say very cooley that no one speaks to your mum like that.

(1) This is probably the most bizarre thread I’ve read on MN!! Banning your children from spending Christmas with their family once they turn 17?! 😲

(2) Leave it to your DH to deal with his crazy mother!

Thanks for all the replies. The instructions where how they liked certain things cooked and what exact times they like courses served. It also had a note to say crackers are pulled after you eat- I thought the whole point of crackers was so you had a nice hat to wear at dinner.

FIL has been invited to spend the day with us before but he always declines PP probably correct in thinking he likes a bit of quiet to himself.

I always step in with communications between DH and MIL he has zero patience with her which is the opposite demeanor he has with everyone else. After her behaviour I think he is right keeping her at arms length and I should just let him deal with her instead of trying to make everything nice and keep everyone happy.

MIL is prone to drama but on the whole she isn't the worst MIL in the world and she has had a terrible year, I was thinking (-being guilted into thinking--) hosting would be a nice thing to do, but I just remember no good deed goes unpunished.

I think this is probably one of the rare times on MN where the poster isn't being flamed for not spending alternative Christmas' with each family. Thanks for all your responses and I'll let you know what happens after DH rings her tomorrow

How lucky for you that this tradition has changed now MIL finds herself without somewhere to go for Christmas dinner! 🤨
Definitely not unreasonable, let them figure something out for themselves and do what you've always done, don't let her ruin the day.

So she didn't even want to host her own children at Christmas but expects your mum to host them when she probably barely knows them? So bizarre.

You can't tell someone else how to do Christmas when you're the guest!

Mental. So she's been stung by her own rules and now expects everyone to dance to her (new) tune?
'Sorry MIL, we all have a rule, no selfish twats on Christmas day!'

I would be ringing sil up & having a real go at her & than thump the phone down before she could answer me
How dare they

@mumwon

I would be ringing sil up & having a real go at her & than thump the phone down before she could answer me How dare they

What’s poor SIL done?

@itsasmallworldafterall

No no no, do not host her "this one time" or ever. Do not let her ruin your day. Also if it is tradition to go somewhere else after you turn 17, how come her parents didn't turf her out when she was 17?

I always wondered that and asked DH was it his grandparents who made the rule or MIL and the aunt's. He said he didn't know they where just told there wouldnt be enough room for them anymore because they where too big. When they started approaching 17 they'd make a big deal out of how many Christmases they had left. He said he got fed up and started going with his paternal cousins from he was 15.

Wow...just batshit....that's all I came to say, sorry lol

It seems that most of DH cousins feel the same about being turfed out at 17 and that's why two of the sisters + MIL are struggling to find somewhere to go.

Why do they have to go anywhere? Can't one of them host the other two? Or do they just want someone else to do all the work?

When they started approaching 17 they'd make a big deal out of how many Christmases they had left oh i feel so sorry for them. I'd consider going no contact.

They're all deranged!

Oh holy shit! I’ve never heard anything so horrible, to kick your kids out of Christmas. Fuck that giving you instructions on hosting them and waiting on them hand and foot.
For shouting at your DM in public I’m afraid that would be NC for me from now on

What on earth am I reading?

I can't imagine a situation where I would let my kids spend Christmas alone because they had turned 17. Let my husband eat with the cat. I couldn't enjoy my day knowing anyone I loved wasn't included! Truly bizarre.

I agree with everyone else saying "not your monkeys" issue here. DH has not been important enough to be considered for X number of years (I'm guessing X is quite a few). The same with all the DSiblings and DCousins.

I wonder who hosted (and cooked) for this special yearly gathering? Was it DMIL's dinner that she cooked for and couldn't handle her DGCs? Were the DPs of any of her own DCs allowed to attend (I see DFIL was happy to eat at home with his cat)?

Or was it a gathering of DSiblings with everyone pitching in and helping out?

You might find that a patriarch (or indeed, matriarch) had organised and run this gathering for years and only now are DSiblings free to do something else, and coming out of a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around the season.

But that is absolutely not your, DH's, or especially your DM's problem to solve.

You have also now had your own traditions to fulfill for Y years - perhaps forced in a way because of of circumstances but nonetheless now YOUR traditions. Which you are perfectly entitled to continue to enjoy.

3 grown women who have reared their own families should be well capable of cooking a nice Christmas meal for themselves. Even if they've never done a turkey themselves, there are plenty of guides in weekend papers, monthly magazines and seasonal specials every year to tell them what to do.

If you are feeling in any way like you want to acknowledge the changes circumstances facing the fault this year, you could offer to have a family gathering some other day in the season - a nice meal, or a drinks and nibbles gathering, or just arranging to go for a nice seasonal walk and picnic...whatever suits YOU, DH and YOUR FAMILY.

Or you could decide to focus on those who are important parts of the season for you now - DM, DSIL (if she is) etc. And let DMIL sort her own problems, as she left her DCs to do when they were far more vulnerable ages than she is.

Glad your DH is dealing with this- definitely his problem to manage.

Odd odd odd.

This is the oddest thing I have read on here.
As @itsasmallworldafterall says, if that’s the freaky tradition, how come MIL and her crazy sisters weren’t turfed out at 17?
I really struggle to imagine more than one person could be bullied/persuaded/ entertain the idea of ditching their children to return to the maternal lair after at least 17 years of family Christmas, and that they’d have partners who went along with it.

I want to hear more, it’s more fascinating than David Attenborough.