In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

Definitely don't reward your MIL and her sister's appalling behaviour by offering to have them for Xmas. If you do, you're opening yourself up to similar behaviour in the future.

@TurkeyTescos

I know it's mad. I can see now after reading it back the reason why they're targeting me is because I'm such a push over. If the general consensus here is I'm not being unreasonable does anyone have any tips on how to do the awkward phone call tomorrow or should I just leave it to DH?

Yep, you sound a right pushover if you're even considering it. Anyone who behaved like that towards my DM would be told where to go & never be seen again.

she said she wished them both a good day and walked off. your mum's a legend. Learn from her and take no shit.

Why on earth can't MIL just invite her sisters over to hers? Then they can have Xmas dinner cooked to their exact specification

MIL and her sisters sound batshit.

And how dare they be so rude to your poor mum?

Nobody is being left out or left on their own, and if MIL is capable of writing instructions for you to cook Christmas dinner, she should be quite capable of following her own instructions.

I agree with your DH. Carry on with your plans as normal and they can sort themselves out. If you give in this year, you will be doing it for evermore.

You don't need to speak to her at all. Let DH ring her up and give her the bollocking she deserves.

Well…. MIL is batshit 😱

I’d just say we will be continuing with our usual Christmas plans that have always suited you in the past. I understand your invitation has been rescinded due to your poor behaviour and I support “Jane” in that decision.

Don’t give in to bullies.

She left her 17 year old daughter with nowhere to go on Christmas Day, apart from her brother's in-laws taking pity on her?

Well, lucky her. She can now see how that feels.

I'm sure that, between the seven of them, her and her precious siblings can figure something out. Cheese on toast is easy enough.

It seems that most of DH cousins feel the same about being turfed out at 17 and that's why two of the sisters + MIL are struggling to find somewhere to go. The other sisters do have somewhere and one is going on a solo retreat instead.

I always found there Christmas set up strange but reading this thread has made me realise it really is super odd and have most likely outed myself .
So I may aswell mention there is a FIL who MIL lives with and he just has Christmas dinner alone with his cat, he always told me he didn't like to have dinner with them all but I'm starting to wonder if he was ever invited.

@BananaPB

If you give in this year, it'll be harder to refuse next year plus you'll have the dread of having to check that she has made alternative arrangements.

Definitely say no. Their behaviour at the supermarket helps you case tbh. Does your h's sister have somewhere to go?

There's 3 of them - why don't they celebrate as a trio?

SIL is low contact with her.

does anyone have any tips on how to do the awkward phone call tomorrow or should I just leave it to DH?

“MIL, you and your sister were completely out of order shouting at my mum in the supermarket. My mum has been more than kind offering to invite you for Christmas and you’ve thrown that kindness in her face by insulting her in public for not inviting your sisters as well. It’s not my mum’s responsibility to host you all. I can’t expect my mum to host you at Christmas now given your behaviour so you will need to make your own plans with your sisters this year.”

Are you seriously contemplating inviting your MiL against your dh's wishes? That would be a huge thing to do even if she behaved normally.

So I may aswell mention there is a FIL who MIL lives with and he just has Christmas dinner alone with his cat, he always told me he didn't like to have dinner with them all but I'm starting to wonder if he was ever invited.

Weirder and weirder. Were the siblings' partners ever included?

Thank goodness your DH has the good sense to see right through his mother. Don’t take on this burden.
Who on earth chases their own children away from Christmas dinner!? Weird.
Your poor mum.

FYI my mother hosts Xmas dinner and my father in law attends each year, but this is mutually beneficial for all involved and he’s no bother and generally appreciative!

there is a FIL who MIL lives with and he just has Christmas dinner alone with his cat, he always told me he didn't like to have dinner with them all but I'm starting to wonder if he was ever invited.

Tbh if I were him I'd be glad of the day off. It's like a bizarre cult.

They have somewhere to go… their own kitchens!

I'm pleased to hear that SIL isn't a pushover.

I bet that these women don't even acknowledge the cruelty of their age 17 rule.

Let MIL and her sisters sod off and fend for themselves. They sound unhinged with their batshit traditions. Don't attempt to invite them near yours or your DM's house. Let Dh be the one to tell her that she's uninvited and he doesn't want to hear another word about it. If you cannot stand up to her, don't answer any of her calls or don't open the door to her unless Dh is home.

@pelosi
.....need to make your own plans with your sisters this year and in the future!

SIL is low contact with her? I wonder why.

Honestly, it all sounds completely batshit! Your poor FIL. (Although I guess he may enjoy the peace and quiet…but still.)

Your DM sounds great! What a classy lady.

I’d let your DH deal with it. His mum, his problem. And he’s right. They can sort themselves out. This is not a trio of infirm, newly widowed 90 year olds where you just might cut them a little slack.

I just can’t get past the sheets of printed instructions….go on, what did they say?!

Please don’t invite them, especially now!

Tell her you reap what you sow!

Maybe invite FIL on his own though?

You reap what you sow. I have 5 kids and I can't imagine not inviting them to mine for Christmas just because they've turned 17. That's absolutely bonkers and pretty cruel really.

She deserves all she gets and I'd be telling her that she wasn't welcome.

does anyone have any tips on how to do the awkward phone call tomorrow or should I just leave it to DH?

MIL I was very angry to hear how your sisters behaved towards my mother yesterday. IN light of that I think it's for the best that we celebrate Xmas with you the 27th (or whatever date) like last year. Please tell you sisters never to talk to my mother like that ever again.

Don't give in and host. You and your family carry on as usual. You have the right to enjoy Christmas too. With those rude and weird bastards running around your house, you'll have a shit day. Also, who the fucking hell do they think they are by handing you an itinerary. Thats next level cheeky fuckery. To hell with them. How dare the sister shout at your mum? I would've ripped them a new one. Respect yourself and your mum enough to lock off those entitled old bags. Good luck

You reap what you sew and your mil is reaping her seeds.

Carry on spending Christmas as you always have done. Mil and her sisters can do what they want together, cooking their own meal how they like.