In Laws and Christmas

[TurkeyTescos]

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

...not to mention the chance of encountering northern royalty and other minor celebs!

Fuck the nasty pricks! They were happy for their kids to spend Christmas alone so they clearly don't think there's anything wrong with your family refusing to host you at christmas.

I'd send "Hi MIL. My DM told me what was said when you and DA saw her. We're all really hurt by what was said. Obviously it wouldn't be comfortable for you to spend christmas at my DMs now. I would never ask her to host someone who has treated her so appallingly. Obviously since DH was ousted from the family Christmases at such a young age he's quite used to you doing your own thing without him. I hope you find suitable arrangements but I don't want to talk about it any further."

God they sound so horrible.

Get DH to deal with it. You both enjoy your day.

Also, I think your FIL probably enjoys the company of the cat over the family at Christmas.

Wow! They sound like the ugly sisters and stepmother from Cinderella!!! (With an extra!)

I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family

Because she turfed DH out aged 17! She literally didn't want to spend Christmas with him for the last 15 years so why feel guilty this year?

She's made her bed. Now she gets to lie in it.

What very odd behaviour from your MiL. Definitely don’t engage with her over this, leave it to your H who sounds perfectly able to tell her no! And don’t have her or her sisters over.
It’s very weird about FiL, how does he come to spend Christmas alone? Does he not spend it with MiL? It’s all very bizarre.

@TurkeyTescos

It seems that most of DH cousins feel the same about being turfed out at 17 and that's why two of the sisters + MIL are struggling to find somewhere to go. The other sisters do have somewhere and one is going on a solo retreat instead.

I always found there Christmas set up strange but reading this thread has made me realise it really is super odd and have most likely outed myself .
So I may aswell mention there is a FIL who MIL lives with and he just has Christmas dinner alone with his cat, he always told me he didn't like to have dinner with them all but I'm starting to wonder if he was ever invited.

I am so sorry - at this point I lost it and started giggling. FIL and the cat had the best deal of all - Christmas alone. It would be glorious not to be involved with the rest of the batshittery going on.

I also think your Mum is a legend and feel for your DH. That must have been very difficult for him over the years (and the cousins).

1. what a ridiculous tradition.
2. well done to your mum for handling the situation so well.
3. you and dh have spent xmas with your family because his mther/grandmother neve invited you.
4. they can sod off.
5. they can apologise and maybe you might invite MIL for boxing day?

No. No. No. they had their shitty bitchy nasty traditions. You go every year to your Mums that’s your family tradition. They sound positively horrible.

Please let know how this batshit situation evolves/resolves itself after the phone call.

Thanks

@BananaPB

When you celebrate Xmas with MIL, whose house do you go to? Who cooks ? Do you have a 17 year old child by any chance?

Read the op 🙄

Wow no way should you host

I think you were really unreasonable to have asked MIL to your DM's in the first place, tbh.

Unless I've misread this - your DH pretty much wants as little to do with his mum as he can get away with, especially at Christmas, for good reason. And you rode roughshod over that and feel guilty that your DH has been hosted by your DM for 15 years when, if he hadn't been, he would have been on his own for Christmas. What did you think was so right about trying to paper over this with the offer to MiL that goes against his feelings? Why do you feel guilty about MiL but not about DH?

In part your DM got shouted in the supermarket because you turned her into a target. That's not really your fault because it's definitely MiL who's an utter bastard in this whole scenario, but it wasn't the most thoughtful thing to do - rather than sucking it up and just telling her "No." in the first place, you ignored the copious evidence that MiL would treat the others in your plan to placate her with contempt and brought your DM into the mix.

You could have just said "There's absolutely no way DH or I would have Christmas with you after the way you've treated DH." and left it at that. Instead of, effectively "But we're having Christmas at my DM's. I'm sure she'll squeeze you in too."

I do see that you thought you were being nice to her and it can be hard to appreciate how awful some people's parents are when your own would never, ever treat you so awfully. But it does seem as though you've perhaps been dismissive of your DH's feelings towards his mum.

Well, three makes a complete coven...

She's absolutely mental - weirdest thing I've ever heard. I'd invite FIL and the cat, everyone but her and her bellend sisters tbh!

Your husband's mother and her sisters are batshit crazy. I wouldn't have them in the house, ever!! And as for the list of instructions........

Nah mate. Your mil yelled at your mum in a supermarket? She’s officially off your Christmas card list, let alone being invited for Christmas!!

Cut her off entirely. She has taken liberties of the extreme order and publicly humiliated your DM. I don't know why you would want anything to do with her or the other two. Christmas is about the children and selflessly giving. It is not about a grown woman tantruming to get her own way.

“MIL, you and your sister were completely out of order shouting at my mum in the supermarket. My mum has been more than kind offering to invite you for Christmas and you’ve thrown that kindness in her face by insulting her in public for not inviting your sisters as well. It’s not my mum’s responsibility to host you all. I can’t expect my mum to host you at Christmas now given your behaviour so you will need to make your own plans with your sisters this year.”

That. It's appalling behaviour, and though 99% of the time I totally disapprove of the MN cries to go NC, if my parent was attacked publically like this, there'd be no way I'd continue to be having anything to do with the MIL and sisters.

Batshit. Let your dh handle all talking with her until after Christmas. Hopefully he says the last person on the planet who would invite you to Christmas is one or your children. The last person in the solar system who should invite you to Christmas is one of your children’s partners and you not only expect it but provide detailed instructions of exactly what they will cook?? And, the last person on the solar system who will ever ever invite you to Christmas is your childs partners Mum who you’ve shouted at in public. turkey won’t be calling, she’s so horrified and upset at how you’ve treated her mum. To be crystal clear you are not invited to any Christmas I or turkeys family are having.

This is the weirdest family Christmas dilemma I’ve ever read on here! Saying that, your MIL’s behaviour (towards her children and now her recent actions to you and your DM) is so batshit unreasonable that there’s absolutely no dilemma whatsoever. Tell her she’s uninvited and do not feel at all guilty about it.

I always step in with communications between DH and MIL he has zero patience with her which is the opposite demeanor he has with everyone else

I'm not surprised!

At last, an appropriate occasion to recommend these! Feel free to point them all in the right direction.

www.thedad.com/christmas-tinner/

Oh, and do invite the cat.

This is so random, I can’t even imagine not to be at home past 17.

I hate to say this but your MIL sounds slightly off the scale. Leave your husband to deal with her. Protect your mother at all costs.🌸