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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws and Christmas

370 replies

TurkeyTescos · 25/09/2021 21:06

Background I've been with DH for over 15 years and DH has always had Christmas dinner with my family. The reason for this is because MIL spent it with her parents and six siblings. Their family tradition is once all the siblings children (DH and his cousins ect) turned 17 they weren't allowed to go their anymore and where expected to have dinner with friends or relatives from the other side of the family. My DM even hosted sister in law when she turned 17 because she had no where to go for dinner, even though her own mum was a few streets away having a fab time with her own parents and sisters.

2020/21 has been hard for MIL she lost her father to covid and her mother has recently gone into residential care, her childhood home was also sold over the summer. Last week MIL called in to see me and announced that since she no longer has anywhere to go her and two of her sisters will be having Christmas dinner in my house, she then handed me a few pages of printed instructions on how to cook it the way they like it and a running order for the day. I told her it wasn't happening but she (and only her) would be welcome to spend the day with us at my mum's house.

Today at the supermarket my DM ran into MIL and one of her sisters The sister started shouting at my DM that she'd ruined Christmas for them by purposely keeping them apart, that she was greedy for expecting DH and I to spend this Christmas with them when we'd spent every other Christmas together. MIL also shouted but DM glazed over it and said she spent most of the time crying hysterically while her sister done the shouting. I suspect DM doesn't want to upset me with what was really said.

I'm fuming, but I know it's best to sleep on it before confronting her tomorrow. She will need to be told that she was completely out of line speaking to my mum like that, who has quite rightly rescinded the invitation for dinner

AIBU by telling MIL she isn't welcome to spend any part of Christmas day with us? I'm feeling guilty because they are right, we've always spent it with my family. Should I just host MIL and her sisters this once and make it clear that they'll need to find somewhere else to eat together next year ?

DH is quite adamant that MIL be left to her own devices, that all the sisters are in their 60s, have their own homes, can and should cook for themselves. They all also have children so I don't know why I've been singled out tbh.

OP posts:
calvados · 03/10/2021 18:29

What kind of family is this?! Sound like a bunch of fish wives … I’d book my Xmas dinner in a pub this year and just disappear!

Plunger · 03/10/2021 18:31

They are over 17. Make your own arrangements just like you made others once they got to 17. Cook your dinner how you want it!

pcl09 · 03/10/2021 18:34

Can I just give your DH a standing ovation for being one of the few who doesn’t take any sh*7 from his DM? Most AIBU posters DH’s would bend over backwards to keep the peace. Good man!!

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/10/2021 18:37

@pcl09

Can I just give your DH a standing ovation for being one of the few who doesn’t take any sh*7 from his DM? Most AIBU posters DH’s would bend over backwards to keep the peace. Good man!!
Seconded. You, your DH & your DM all sound so nice but also grounded. I love your FIL, too, saying he didn't want MIL to interrupt his solitary Christmas!
pcl09 · 03/10/2021 18:37

I would ass though, I would have a conversation with MIL anyway that went something like “Can you explain your side of the story as to what happened in the supermarket?” And when she does, summarise it with “so you chose to confront my Mum in when she was extending an invitation to you to her home. My DM couldn’t care less, but I am rescinding the invitation - you are not welcome to treat my family like that”.

pcl09 · 03/10/2021 18:39

I would ass???? I meant add!!!! My whole reply is a grammatical mess but you get the gist Grin

Dartsplayer · 03/10/2021 18:51

Your DM was right to rescind the invitation and if she yelled at my DM I would be going NC with her. Her and her sisters can take their planned day and have it together - nowhere near you and your family

PizzaCrust · 03/10/2021 19:03

Her and her sisters just want to be lifted and load the whole Christmas- ie someone cook them dinner and do it exactly just so as they sit on their arse complaining about other things.

They’re just furious they’ll have to actually do some work this year. Oh well, it’s a good thing they have the recipe they love so much. They’ve got a few months to perfect it.

(Guarantee they don’t and they pay to go out for dinner).

Benjispruce4 · 03/10/2021 19:04

Blimey what a family!!!! Not much help I know but they’re very strange indeed!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2021 19:05

YABU for even considering having them! The whole ‘tradition’ of kicking the kids out at 17 is bloody weird.
Three adult women can sort themselves out.
Sounds as though DH has got the measure of them so let her have it with both barrels!

HesterShaw1 · 03/10/2021 19:24

Christ. People behave like this? Shock

Fluffmum · 03/10/2021 19:24

They sound unhinged!! Well what goes around comes around. She didn’t give a stuff about your husband for years so she can have Christmas with her sisters

pollymere · 03/10/2021 19:29

You are going to your DM as usual but especially after the truly terrible way your DM has been treated. End of. They can make their own arrangements! When I lost my parents, I took my turn with my DB but no other family.

Juststopamoment · 03/10/2021 19:41

Do not host your Mil! She is mad! Let her sort herself out. She laid out the ground rules and can’t change them now. Her own children have had nowhere to go on Christmas Day since the age of 17! I’d say let Karma play itself out.

DameFanny · 03/10/2021 19:58

This is all absolutely batshit, but I love reading about how you're taking care of your DH in this and all helping build his confidence. That's proper marriage/family goals.

mrbreezeet1 · 03/10/2021 20:02

You're mean.
You should let them all go to your house.
She don't have nowhere to go. I'll be alone at Christmas too.

ERFFER · 03/10/2021 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noogar · 03/10/2021 20:27

@mrbreezeet1

You're mean. You should let them all go to your house. She don't have nowhere to go. I'll be alone at Christmas too.
She has somewhere to go
Feedingthebirds1 · 03/10/2021 20:27

@mrbreezeet1

You're mean. You should let them all go to your house. She don't have nowhere to go. I'll be alone at Christmas too.
I can't speak for you as I don't know your circumstances. I'm sorry if you'll be alone and don't want to be. But in this case, the MIL and her sisters are the embodiment of you reap what you sow.

They were happy to throw their DCs out on Christmas Day when they were only 17, happy for the DCs to be on their own with nowhere to go, so that they - ie all the 'people who mattered to them' - could be together without anyone else pesky enough to interfere with 'their' day. They've been happy to ignore their DCs for the last however many years, not caring whether they had anywhere to go or not. So no, they don't get to decree that they're going to waltz in and take over another family's Christmas now that 'everyone who matters to them' is dead. A statement which rather tells you that OP and her DH don't matter to them, as they are still very much alive and kicking. But they'd be convenient stooges for the MIL and her sisters to impose themselves on as long as every last detail was done to their specifications and timetable.

No, they burned their bridges on that one a long time ago, quite apart from the recent behaviour of screaming at OP's DM in the supermarket.

Mollymoostoo · 03/10/2021 20:28

@MouseRoar

I mean, imagine turning your children away at Christmas!!??!
This. Who tells their 17 year old to find somewhere else to spend Christmas. That is seriously fucked up. My kids are 19 and 23 and they had better be spending Christmas with me.
Mollymoostoo · 03/10/2021 20:30

@mrbreezeet1

You're mean. You should let them all go to your house. She don't have nowhere to go. I'll be alone at Christmas too.
Will you be alone because you told your 17 year old child to go somewhere else for Christmas? Probably not. They made their own mess, they are not alone, they have each other.
Tistheseason17 · 03/10/2021 20:47

Good updates, OP.
Glad you stood your ground.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 03/10/2021 20:52

You are being unreasonable if you dont listen to DH ,,he is right Fuck em and their daft rules and shocking behaviour. (only read page one but was incensed so off back to read page 2!)

Bleachmycloths · 03/10/2021 20:57

All this is seriously weird. Bonkers.

Lockdownbear · 03/10/2021 21:00

@mrbreezeet1

You're mean. You should let them all go to your house. She don't have nowhere to go. I'll be alone at Christmas too.
The 3 sisters live I different houses, I'm sure they can host their own Christmas. Just like old times you know?

Bit dysfunctional that they kept Christmas as their childhood nuclear family, ignoring spouses and 17 year old children.

But their choice, and I don't think this will be the only dysfunctional thing about that family.

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