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Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 24/09/2021 13:40

It’s not something I could do. It sounds like you haven’t been with your BF long? I’d be very careful!

Puffalicious · 24/09/2021 13:45

I have a 17 yo DS and couldn't dream of leaving him in this situation- he still needs me- but he is the eldest so if your DS has got a good relationship with his older brothers perhaps I'd consider it. As long as you see him at least 3 days as week I'd sit him down and discuss the ins and outs and your absolute 'no way rules.

SafeMove · 24/09/2021 13:47

Erm, no way. If there wasn't enough room for my bf and his kids and my kids I'd just be staying in the house I am in until a position that it isn't a problem anymore (e.g. he had gone to uni, moved out etc). No way would I be living with someone else's child but not mine. Sorry, I think it gives out a strange message. Why should your DS blend with a family when he doesn't want to? I don't blame him wantimg to keep the status quo.

IHateCoronavirus · 24/09/2021 13:49

Can you not delay things for another couple of years until he is independent?

If this man is worth anything he’ll wait.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 13:50

Why don’t you just delay a few years? Get him set on whatever the next part of his path is once he’s finished college? Why the rush right now?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/09/2021 13:51

No way would I ever do that.

BlackHatHuddler · 24/09/2021 13:53

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

How long have you been together, and why can't you wait a year or two until your son is more firmly established as an adult?

I moved out young - 16 - too young, even though i was super mature and it went well, i look back thinking about how abandoned i was, and really, it was a lot, emotionally. I don't see why you're so willing to move in with a new partner so quickly so that's why i'm asking.

Original poster
Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:54

@SafeMove

Erm, no way. If there wasn't enough room for my bf and his kids and my kids I'd just be staying in the house I am in until a position that it isn't a problem anymore (e.g. he had gone to uni, moved out etc). No way would I be living with someone else's child but not mine. Sorry, I think it gives out a strange message. Why should your DS blend with a family when he doesn't want to? I don't blame him wantimg to keep the status quo.
We are both essentially having to make family changes. My partner won’t be having his son 50% of the time but will have my youngest full time with me. I will be taking on a 4 year old half the time too. My 17 year old is happy to stay with his older brothers, and have his own room rather than move in with us and have to share with his younger brother. It’s more about how I feel not having him all the time, even though I am still going to be a very hands on parent with him and do loads for him. He’s very grown up for his age, but we all keep a close eye on him and his brothers get on well with him.
OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 24/09/2021 13:54

What is the rush? Why not see the 17 year old through college?

As others have suggested, you are bringing a lot of disruption in the the lives of 3 children, two of your and his DD.

saamantha19881 · 24/09/2021 13:54

No way, this will cause him to have abandonment issues

PheasantsNest · 24/09/2021 13:55

You are incredibly selfish. Never ever choose a man over your children.

LadyDanburysHat · 24/09/2021 13:56

I think you should out your children before your love life. You also mention your partners son going to live with his mother. Does he currently live with his father? It seems a lot of uprooting children for selfish gains.

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/09/2021 13:56

Never.

Just wait a while. Put your child first.

Northernsoullover · 24/09/2021 13:56

I think its a bit selfish to put your own wants above a 17 year old.

BlackHatHuddler · 24/09/2021 13:56

My 17 year old is happy to stay with his older brothers, and have his own room rather than move in with us and have to share with his younger brother.

But you're forcing him to make that choice!

Why is there a fire under your feet?

What is best for YOUR immediate family's needs and longer term stability?

That has to trump your fairly recent relationship (you said you moved 2 years ago and this is a new relationship)

Yarboosucks · 24/09/2021 13:57

Please remember that your relationship hopes do not outweigh the importance of stability for young people. Is your new partner pushing this to get help with his DD?

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/09/2021 13:58

Not a chance. At bare minimum you should
-wait until 17yo is 18 before moving in with new boyfriend. Or
-send 17yo to boarding school

Dumping him on older brothers is not the answer.

fedup2017 · 24/09/2021 13:58

My mum moved in with my stepdad when I was in lower sixth and my sister in yr 11.
They were about a mile away.
At the time I would have said I was cool with it and liked the independence.
Now as the parent of teens myself I wonder wtaf she was doing. Our relationship has never really recovered in that we don't really have a mother / daughter relationship. I speak to her infrequently and we are not at all close. I spent my late teens sleeping around and drinking too much and have had therapy as an adult to deal with the feelings of low self worth.

That's not to say that your relationship will be fine but in my experience it's not in the best interests of your child.

HermioneKipper · 24/09/2021 13:58

100% no. My mum did this to my brother and it seriously messed him up.

This is one of the most selfish posts I’ve ever read.

NEVER choose a man over your children. I promise you’ll come to regret it. Please don’t do it.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 24/09/2021 13:58

How long until he is 18....? Is waiting until then something you can do?

LadyDanburysHat · 24/09/2021 13:58

You phrase it that you are both making sacrifices, but that is not true. The only sacrifices are being made by the children, your partners and yours. Seriously rethink this. You are hugely selfish.

HasaDigaEebowai · 24/09/2021 13:59

No way. You wait. If you have children you put their needs before your own

JustLyra · 24/09/2021 14:01

So you’re going to leave behind your son and your partner is giving up his time with his son - seriously?

Unless you both want to destroy your relationship with your sons you need to delay for a couple of years until they’ve flown the nest or find a way to have a property big enough for them all.

You’re both ditching your inconvenient teens for a new partner

CarelessSquid07A · 24/09/2021 14:01

I 'left' at 16 due to similar circumstances there was no way I was living with Mum's boyfriend who detested me.

She still went and our relationship was never the same again. He's likely putting a brave face on it and to be honest the older boys are likely to see this as an opportunity to let loose...

Why not wait until you can afford space for both your elder boys? Could they share a room if one of then won't be there most of the time?

TrueGrit54 · 24/09/2021 14:02

I wouldn’t do it, very messy. I would keep renting your parents house and keep your family together. Your boyfriend should do the same (ie keep his house for his 2 children). Give it more time, there is no rush. The children should come first.

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