To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

I couldn't imagine being so desperate for a man that I'd abandon a son. Absolutely fucking awful.

Us parents matter too

It seems to you that's ALL that matters. You're proposing to abandon your young DS for a man you haven't even been with very long. Shameful.

You can still be in a relationship with the man without abandoning your DS, as you are intent on doing.

Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?

Yes. And you know it or you wouldn't have asked. But you're going to do it anyway so what was the point?

@DysmalRadius

So your partner is giving up most of his contact with his son, but his 16-year-old daughter has her own room in a house that she will only be using 6 days a month, but there's no room for your 17 year old unless he shares? Is that right?

This is a weird set-up and, honestly, I'm not sure I would be so keen to give up daily contact with my child for a live-in boyfriend when it requires so much sacrifice on the part of all the children involved. Does your son want you to stay with him?

This

Op why not wait until he is "launched"? It will only be 3 or 4 years hopefully.

OP in the nicest possible way, much as you want to live with your partner you’re a good 2-3 years from being able to do so. I honestly think you need to give both the boys until at least 18 and probably older to do that. I have a 19 year old, he’s at uni but until he graduates he needs his home his space and his room with me. After that, I might consider living with a partner but then he will be able to choose if he wants to join us or not, at 17, absolutely not. They’re still children and need to be with a parent

My mother left me with my older sister at 17 - we lived in the family home had a large allowance so no money issues - we were happy at the time as we did not want to live with her new partner - we fully realised that she had chosen him over us (my sister was 19) - the relationship never really recovered - and we did feel abandoned and my sister should never have been “put in charge” - it’s was not fair - your making a mistake

Right I have a clear message from this thread that you believe I am being unreasonable. I am likely to damage my son apparently….

Interestingly you have all brought me down as a mother saying I am selfish and only thinking of cock as one person said, however none of you have mentioned my 17 year old sons father.

As I mentioned in my Starting post he REFUSES to do his share. He won’t have him over night because their spare room is a walk in wardrobe!!!
Yet her 32 year old son comes first every time.

It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.

I have said clearly that my son is happy as are my older sons they are living In the safety of their grandparents home, and sharing the bills responsibly. My 17 year old will literally sleep here, he will be treating our home as his can come and go with his own key as can the 16 year old my partner has.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

I don’t know what possessed me to share this as it has nothing to do with anyone anyway and we know how to do this and love our children whilst loving each other too.

I’ll leave it there.

You'd think you were abandoning the lad on the streets to go on a world cruise some of these replies.
He'd be living with his two adult brothers. You'd still be in an active parental role and financially supporting him.
I think he needs to have the option to come with you. I don't know how you'd shuffle living arrangements? Maybe room sharing, turning the lounge into a bedroom? To tell him he outright can't come isn't fair. After that it's his decision.

Are you moving into your partners 3 bedroom house, because I cannot see why you can’t get another home where your son can live own you.

You may have had it hard in the past, however that should not be at your children’s detriment.

He’s 17, no matter his maturity he’s still only 17, why the rush?

*life with you

am absolutely NOT in the burn her shes a witch team.I left home at 17.it wasnt even a question not to.
If you his brothers and him have discussed and feel this iss a workable solution and they are adult enough to trust i see no issue
if 17 year old is abandoned.i might well disagree.?

You sound so selfish and your updated clearly show you don’t give a shit that most people think this is a terrible idea.
You asked for an opinion and MN have given it. You’re now angry because no one has agreed with you and you’re going to move out and leave your poor son anyway
As a mum and a teacher of 17 year olds this makes me so sad

I wouldn't even consider it.

TBH I don't think I could live with a man who could treat his own children like that let alone what it means for yours.

However, why isn't the a room for your 17yo if his children are only there PT? Why do his children take priority?

The whole thing sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Are you sure any of this is in your interests? If you've escaped an abusive marriage is your "barometer" working correctly? What do your friends and family think of this arrangement?

Your son's dad is a selfish prick but this thread wasn't about him. You deciding to be selfish too is hardly going to improve things. Personally I'd want to do everything in my power to keep some stability for my kids if their dad was so useless.

If his father won't have him then who else is going to care apart from you? Yes, his father should bother, but that isn't an excuse for you to decide you've done your bit too. You're leaving a 23-year-old in charge of, or caring for a17 year old on a daily basis, what could go wrong?

Poor kid. Neither of his parents want him.

I am so baffled by the prospect of what you're doing that I actually searched your other posts to try and figure out the context. In May 2020 you posted about having problems with a man who had a 12 year old daughter. So a different guy to the current one, is that right? I hope not, because they would mean that you'd been in a relationship with your current boyfriend for barely over a year before you're planning on putting your kids through more upheaval.

I really think you'll regret doing this. Like other posters I'd recommend that you wait a couple of years until your 17 year old is settled at college or in work. What's the rush (other than "we want to")?

And with all due respect, your oldest son is an adult and it's not up to him to decide what works for your younger children. You should take some responsibility as a parent.

Right, so why ask? Did you just want a seal of approval? The proper thing to do is wait a year or two. If you live so close that it would make no difference to the teenager then you live so close that it makes no difference if you and parter wait for a few years. It is a selfish thing to do.

I was a teenager who seemed mature and was treated as if she were an adult. My parents did not move out without me but still, it was not a good thing.

So the 17 year old isn’t wanted by either parent? That must be fantastic for his self-esteem.

I have just mentioned all this to my eldest son who was like omg this so works for our family!

Why are you deferring your parental responsibility to a 23 year old? Are they really equipped to know how potentially emotionally damaging this set up could be for the younger kids? Or are they just thinking "yes, party house!"

Also what on earth has the point about the father got to do with anything? That DS has a selfish father so it's fine for him to have a selfish mother also? Obviously the dad is terrible. That doesn't make it OK for the mother to also fail to step up, it actually makes it worse. No point trying to frame it as a feminist issue.