To move out and leave 17 year old?

[Teesstar]

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

I hope you don’t decide to have any more children with this new partner.

Depends on the kid tbh.... I'd moved out at 17 and bought a house by the time I was 19. I actually think it's a pretty safe way for him to get a taste of his inevitable independence.

And this "we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living"
No shit. It's your child, of course you provide for them. Unbelievable.

Your poor son, this makes me really sad. Where must he think he sits in your priority list. I'm afraid that fact that he knows you are planning this means some damage is already done. You say his father 'won't have him', that must feel pretty shitty too. Do your older 2 even want the responsibility of looking after their younger brother? What if he goes out one night, gets pissed/beaten up and doesn't come home? Is it their responsibility to check up on him? Will you even know?

I’m not sure why you’ve started this thread. It’s clearly a terribly selfish idea, but you seem set on the idea…

I haven't RTFT yet - but my sister did this to my nephew when he was around the same age. He's 27 now, and although they have a difficult relationship for many reasons, he has never forgiven her, and I don't think he ever will.

I think you are looking for validation because you know it does not sit quite right with you, why would you ask otherwise?
I'd like to think, in your shoes, that my relationship could survive not living together for an extra couple of years or so because of my child. In fact, I'd judge harshly someone who would be prepared to do what you appear to be prepared to do and that would lead me to question if she/he would be right for me.

Don’t even get me started about your assumption that the taxpayer should be paying for your son’s costs when you abandon him.

This sounds like a complete mess. Why the urgency to bring the families together? Can’t you maintain the relationship without having to lose your son? Smacks of putting a man before your children. You can’t be together that long either.

Oops, just noticed partners children are from different mothers, so add in at least one more adult and another house into the mix.

I think that takes us up to six children, five adults (possibly 8) and five houses.

Your kids have lived in an abusive household for years, it not just about you. And now you’re uprooting them instead of giving them security and time to heal.

Madness. Wait two years.

" I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too! "

Well, you haven't finished raising your kids yet have you?
You're being incredibly selfish and as for the fact that you say you're both having to make changes and see your kids less just so you can be together, quite frankly, speaks volumes!!!!

Be a parent, raise your kids, don't leave it to the big brothers who have their own lives. You have parental responsibility. You sound like one very selfish woman putting your needs before your childs. Wait a couple of years - surely it won't kill you?
But then, I don't think it matters what anyone says on here - you'll put yourself first above your son and your partners son.

No doubt in a few years time we'll be reading another post from you wondering why your son is closer to a girlfriends family and you don't get a look in with Xmas, grandchildren etc - now I wonder why that would be?
Finally - if your son also witnessed you abusive ex don't you think he also deserves some PROPER stability - not just a mum who chose a man over him?

@LiberteEgaliteBeyonce

I think you are looking for validation because you know it does not sit quite right with you, why would you ask otherwise? I'd like to think, in your shoes, that my relationship could survive not living together for an extra couple of years or so because of my child. In fact, I'd judge harshly someone who would be prepared to do what you appear to be prepared to do and that would lead me to question if she/he would be right for me.

Exactly this

The kids know fine well they have a home with us, they can stay over some nights, they can eat with us, they can just chill out with us

The younger kids do.

The teenagers know you’ve chosen a house that doesn’t fit them. You’re ditching your teen for a man and he’s ditching his for you.

At 16 and 17 they are in peak exam times as well and they’re being dumped by two selfish parents who thing their wants matter more than their children’s needs

It's selfish, why the mad rush? Just wait.

I wouldn't do this OP. I would feel like it's putting a man, and/or my own desires, ahead of my own child - which I would never, ever do. You'd be choosing to move into a house that doesn't have enough bedrooms for your still-a-minor DS - what kind of messages would that send to him? All bad ones, OP. I'm actually concerned that you would even consider this at all, and what that says :(

Wait until DS is older.

@Derbee

Don’t even get me started about your assumption that the taxpayer should be paying for your son’s costs when you abandon him.

VERY valid point!!! But if she doesn't care about her son why would she care about a faceless tax payer?

Yes.
You don't have to move in with your new partner.
It sounds a bit chaotic.
His teenager DS is moving out too with this arrangement?
What is the point.

Also, what’s remotely attractive about a man who is prepared to kick out his 16yo that lives with him 50% of the time?

Its like something out of Jeremy Kyle. You want to totally abandon him - 3 bed house when you still have 4 dependent children. Sounds like they've all had to grow up fast. Why ask though when you're going to do it anyway?

Your kids don't have a home with you. Somewhere they can come round and have dinner is not home. Home is stability, comfort and support, none of which they'll get from you because you're prioritising some bloke over your kids.

You're incredibly selfish. Your children were in that abusive relationship too - you should be trying to do better by them, not moving out so you can shack up with some new bloke.

Wow, missed the bit about the partner giving up 50/50 with his son. So he's a shit dad then.

Get a 4 bedroom house. Use the money you would use to pay for him at the other house. This is ridiculous. Use your brain.

I don't understand why you haven't got a house to fit all your family needs?

No, I wouldn't leave a 17 year old. Not fair on him and not fair on his older brothers to have to assume ultimate responsibility for him.

At the very least you should say he has to live with you and share until he leaves school and if he does that with good grace, then you'll reconsider him going to his brothers'.