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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
Dillyjones72 · 25/09/2021 10:14

No.way. He is still
a child and needs a parent to parent him.
Just wait a couple of years until he moves out himself. Why the rush??

Dillyjones72 · 25/09/2021 10:15

‘ Us parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids ’
Yes, becuase that’s what you do when you have children! And you’re not finished raising them yet.

autummvibes · 25/09/2021 10:16

Read the first couple of posts only so not sure what's been said through the thread. I have 3 children ranging from 18 to 5. I have been with my husband for 22 years. He is their father. I still wouldn't put him before my children and neither would he me. I would never do this.

disco123 · 25/09/2021 10:26

Please don't do this to your son. Wait a few years. Your BF will be nearby so you can visit him lots, eat meals etc. but make your permanent base with your son until he is an adult. The new house is not big enough for you all.

He's 17. At 17 I would probably have thought I was big and cool enough to live with older siblings. I wasn't. I needed guidance, support and stability, security. I needed parenting.

His father isn't offering him that, poor lad, but you still can.

Colourcones · 25/09/2021 10:38

How does your 12 year old feel ? He needs to be considered too. My youngest would have hated to have been separated from his older siblings. Inevitable when they leave for uni etc but not when mum moves you away to a new house and new partner and new stepsiblings.

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/09/2021 10:56

@Colourcones

How does your 12 year old feel ? He needs to be considered too. My youngest would have hated to have been separated from his older siblings. Inevitable when they leave for uni etc but not when mum moves you away to a new house and new partner and new stepsiblings.
Very good point. There's not one of the children (from either family) not having their lives completely disrupted.
WayneBruce · 25/09/2021 10:58

I can't believe this bit of your post either, 'We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?'

So you want to leave him, and looking for the state to fund him?

Unreal.

hairybakers · 25/09/2021 11:05

Appalling

And I'm not surprised OP hasn't fessed up to how long her and the new man have been together.

I'd wager 6-8 months

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 25/09/2021 11:24

OP wrote on another thread about being single last September, so they must have been together a year or less.

What's the rush?! Just live a mile apart from your boyfriend, rather than a mile apart from your son.

Gemma2019 · 25/09/2021 11:48

This is unbelievably selfish of you and doesn't even make sense after your updates. You are saying you have parented your children for so long and now need time and something nice for yourself, but you are actually moving headlong into the hard work of parenting someone else's 4 year old instead of staying in your own house with your older children and just dating this man. You are forcing your 12 year old to live with someone else's child instead of being able to live with his own brothers in his own home.

Ridiculous idea and you should put a stop to it for at least a couple of years. Your sons are just telling you what you want to hear. But you have clearly already decided this is fine despite everyone on here saying it's not, so I don't know why you bothered asking.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/09/2021 15:55

Of course her 17 year old is going to say he loves it.
A house with no parent in it?
Yeah. That's going to end well.

Party central, general doss house, everyone knows they can hang out there and do whatever.
I've seen it before. He'll be popular as hell. Free to indulge whatever.

As he matures, has a family of his own, that's when he's going to see it for what it was.

LuaDipa · 25/09/2021 16:06

Yabu for ditching your 17 yo at a crucial period in his life, and your new partner is also bu for stopping 50% contact with his own ds to make room for yours.

I think it’s clear you’ll be doing this anyway, but be under no illusion that this is damaging for all of your dc and your relationship with them will suffer as a result of your selfishness.

SaddenedByItAll · 25/09/2021 16:13

"Can I abandon my 17yo old to let his feckless older brother look after him, and get the state to pick up the financial pieces?"
Is the summary of the OP

I think yabu OP and this isn't a good life choice to make

ChequerBoard · 25/09/2021 16:17

I think you also have to question what this new goldenballs of a partner is actually like to be a) abandoning his 16 year old child and b) wanting OP to take on parenting of his 4 year old child given her less than stellar track record with her own 4 children.

It's an utter clusterfuck of a situation for all concerned.

RAFHercules · 25/09/2021 16:37

And you want financial help from the state Blush

figtrees · 25/09/2021 16:39

This thread is batshit. I moved out at 18 because I wanted to live with my partner at the time. Found a cheap rental and didn't look back. Most 18 year olds move away for university and this set up would hardly be any different, in fact he's only a mile up the road not at a university on the other side of the county. Do they all have abandonment issues?
When does he turn 18? If he's living with sensible older brothers and you check in regularly I don't see any problem. I'd suggest you make sure to have a proper tanancy agreement and do house inspections though. Also make it clear that he will have to move back in with you if he isn't responsible.
I very much doubt your 12 year old wants to share a room either, or at least won't want to for veey long. I say see if it works for you.

nyktipolos · 25/09/2021 16:42

@figtrees turns out they are not sensible.

And again, the fact that you chose to love out at 18 doesn't mean anything really. I loved out at 19. Doesn't mean its good for everybody pr everybody should

There's a huge difference between you choosing to love out of home and your mother moving out because she can't cope with you and the 2 older and has decided she has parented you enough and it's time for her to have her life.

JustLyra · 25/09/2021 16:47

@figtrees

This thread is batshit. I moved out at 18 because I wanted to live with my partner at the time. Found a cheap rental and didn't look back. Most 18 year olds move away for university and this set up would hardly be any different, in fact he's only a mile up the road not at a university on the other side of the county. Do they all have abandonment issues? When does he turn 18? If he's living with sensible older brothers and you check in regularly I don't see any problem. I'd suggest you make sure to have a proper tanancy agreement and do house inspections though. Also make it clear that he will have to move back in with you if he isn't responsible. I very much doubt your 12 year old wants to share a room either, or at least won't want to for veey long. I say see if it works for you.
So because you moved out at 18 it’s acceptable for two parents to ditch their 17 and 16 year olds?
Tal45 · 25/09/2021 17:06

So because his father won't have him at his house you don't understand why you should have to have him at yours?? That is insane. The reason people are having a go at you and not his dad is because you're the one asking the question, if it was his dad they'd be saying he was in the wrong too.

Creamsoda77 · 25/09/2021 17:31

No way , not a chance

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/09/2021 17:38

A teen choosing to move out is completely different to a teen being left behind because their parent wants to shack up with a bloke.

DulcedeLecheCaffeLatte · 25/09/2021 17:46

He may have said that he wants to live with his brothers because he feel he should, as the only space available in your house for him will now be a room with his much younger brother. Even if he feels he still needs you, he is unlikely to tell you that at this age

Ednadidit · 25/09/2021 18:08

@Teesstar: ‘It’s just me the mother that is selfish.
Because I am a woman I should be the one to do all the caring, financially as well.’

No, babes, this isn’t people being sexist. This is people telling you that if he’s been abandoned by one parent he doesn’t need to be abandoned by the other one, too.

SaddenedByItAll · 25/09/2021 18:20

@figtrees

This thread is batshit. I moved out at 18 because I wanted to live with my partner at the time. Found a cheap rental and didn't look back. Most 18 year olds move away for university and this set up would hardly be any different, in fact he's only a mile up the road not at a university on the other side of the county. Do they all have abandonment issues? When does he turn 18? If he's living with sensible older brothers and you check in regularly I don't see any problem. I'd suggest you make sure to have a proper tanancy agreement and do house inspections though. Also make it clear that he will have to move back in with you if he isn't responsible. I very much doubt your 12 year old wants to share a room either, or at least won't want to for veey long. I say see if it works for you.
For me it's about choice You had a choice to move out and were clearly ready The DS here doesn't have a choice
MacSmirving · 25/09/2021 18:28

Many people go off to university at 17 and do just fine. It depends on the individual.

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