Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 14:16

You can have a relationship without moving in with someone and forcing stepfamily situations on the kids.

littlefireseverywhere · 24/09/2021 14:17

I look at my 17 year old & he veers between extremely mature, confident & worldly to toddler like behaviour- messy, clothes everywhere not planning things in advance. He’s still young, they need the security of a parent.

ProfYaffle · 24/09/2021 14:17

I have a 17yo and would never do this. I agree with a pp that he's likely to say he's fine with it and like the idea of it but the reality after a few weeks is likely to wear thin. They still need us at this age, whether they realise it or not.

shouldistop · 24/09/2021 14:18

My mum did this. It wasn't good, I still needed some parental input and made some bad choices.
Why are you in such a rush to move in with your boyfriend? Can you not wait a year or 2?

Cirin · 24/09/2021 14:18

How horrible you want to leave one of your children, and he one of his.

Moving in with 'a boyfriend' at your kids' expense is just a plain terrible, selfish thing to do. You both sound awful.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 24/09/2021 14:18

The kids know fine well they have a home with us, they can stay over some nights, they can eat with us, they can just chill out with us

Why can't the boyfriend just stay over or you stay at his occasionally. This is honestly ridiculous and so selfish. I get you want to be together but it's just not the right time for your kids who should be your priority.

Why are you avoiding the question of how long you've been together?

LastGirlSanding · 24/09/2021 14:18

But with this arrangement you’re effectively putting your older sons into the parental position on a day to day basis. Is that fair on them? Are they up to that task?

He’ll be off to uni or into the world of work after college, why not just hang on until then?

FurzeMinister · 24/09/2021 14:19

Why is your new house 3BR? You have two minor children who (it seems, if they have the same father) don't really have another parent they can stay with. Your partner has one 50% of the time and another who should feel able to stay at his dad's even though he lives closeby. If they've all had their own rooms where they were before, then you really need 4BR plus some accomodation for your partner's son. What happens if something changes with his mother and he needs a place to stay?

For your 17yo - it would be one thing if you'd planned for him to come come with you and he argued for being allowed to stay at the old house for reasonable reasons (easier commute to/from college, for example). In that case I'd probably let him stay, assuming the older brothers are willing and trustworthy. But this feels like you've just not fairly considered him in your plans. Especially, the way you mentioned that his dad won't have him makes it seem like staying with his brothers is the last resort, not the best thing for him. It might work out, but I'd be careful.

Staryflight445 · 24/09/2021 14:19

‘ We honestly wouldn’t be doing this if we believed our children would be damaged by it. We adore our children and want the best for them, but we also want to live together’

Yes, leaving a 17 year old with brothers, another child not having 50/50 with their dad anymore and you now taking on a 4 year old is very clearly not what’s best for them.

The last bit of the sentence is eye opening.
You want to live with each other no matter the cost on the children involved.

It is selfish, and I can’t believe you’ve posted and continuously try and stick up for yourself. Stop it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 14:19

I left home at 17 due to not wanting to live with my stepdad and I've never truly forgiven my mum for that so I'm probably projecting. But I just can't get over the selfishness of parents putting their relationships before their children.

LadyDanburysHat · 24/09/2021 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

krustykittens · 24/09/2021 14:20

Of course you matter as adults. But you also, both of you, chose to have children. A 17 year old is still very young and they need a home with a parent in it, providing them with love and support and giving them emotional security until they are ready to fly the nest. When they are teenagers is when they need YOU, even just to rant at and you are planning on leaving one teenager behind in your old house, while his teenager has to move out and go live with his mum. I really feel sorry for the kids in this situation. I get that you want to start living your life for you and when they are teenagers and they are getting lives of their own you feel less needed. But you are not and you both risk doing damage to your relationships with your kids by putting an new partner above them. But it sounds like you are determined to do it anyway.

cushioncovers · 24/09/2021 14:21

I would wait until your youngest is at least 18 op.

Sarcobaleno · 24/09/2021 14:21

Us parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too!

Your kids matter more than you at the moment. You might have had a hard time, but why should your child pay an extra price for that?

Also, so pointless in asking AIBU if when told yes, OP says you don't understand family dynamics. You're just looking for justification.

Staryflight445 · 24/09/2021 14:21

‘ But I think we can make this work and if there is a problem we Will fix it.’

There is already a problem and you’re not prepared to fix it.

bigbaggyeyes · 24/09/2021 14:21

I left home at 17, I made a very bad choice as a result which affected the next 10 years of my life. I wish my parents had taken more of an interest in my life tbh.

I know you said your 17yr old can come round, eat with you, chill out with you, but are you sure it will work like that? What will happen afterwards, he'll go home to sleep there? I agree with other pp, I'd suggest you simply cook off for another 12 months. In the grand scheme of things is not long to wait

vivainsomnia · 24/09/2021 14:21

But I think we can make this work and if there is a problem we Will fix it
How when you won't have the space?

If you were moving in a 4 or 5 bedroom house but your 17yo insisted he wanted to stay with his brothers and they were happy with this, it wouldn't be an issue but as it stands, he doesn't have a choice at all. That's the bit that is dubious.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 14:22

Also every single parent who moves in with a new partner says the kids are fine with it to justify it. I guarantee a lot of the kids will tell a different story though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/09/2021 14:22

You are being incredibly unreasonable able, and it’s amazing you can’t see it.

Of course you stay in a house big enough for your children until they are adults. How is this even a conversation?

Leaving a 17 yo to the care of his older siblings? No way!

mumonthehill · 24/09/2021 14:23

Some 17 year olds are mature most of the time however are still children. You are handing responsibility over to your other children, do they want it and do they understand what it actually means for them. What happens when ds17 needs help and support, who will he turn to if you are not there when he gets home? Adult input is vital at this age and I think waiting until he is settled in a job or university is really important.

Seesawmummadaw · 24/09/2021 14:23

This is shocking!
Why the rush to dump your (and his) children?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/09/2021 14:23

Definitely wait until your son is older.

ProudAlly · 24/09/2021 14:23

There's no way on this earth that I would do that

adoreyou · 24/09/2021 14:24

My DHs friends parent did this.
And he has never forgiven them. Even though he chose to stay.... I don't think at 17 you really understand.... all you'd think is excellent, parent free! Then reality sets in.

My DHs friend now doesn't speak to his parents.... it's all very sad.

Wbeezer · 24/09/2021 14:27

My DS2 went off to uni at 17, as do lots of kids in Scotland so I'm not against youngsters that age living semi independently and at least the OP is giving him a choice of staying or coming.

Swipe left for the next trending thread