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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/09/2021 18:35

@MacSmirving

Many people go off to university at 17 and do just fine. It depends on the individual.

Going to university is nothing resembling this situation! Why do people keep trotting this out like it's remotely relevant?

someonesomewhere7 · 25/09/2021 18:35

@MacSmirving

Many people go off to university at 17 and do just fine. It depends on the individual.

Oh common, we've been through this 10x. Leaving home when you're ready, safe in the knowledge that you'll always have family to come back to is not the same as being pushed out the door to make space for a new parter. Ffs

MacSmirving · 25/09/2021 18:37

Because it's living on your own but with support. Just like going off to university. He's not being kicked out and he's not being left entirely to his own devices.

someonesomewhere7 · 25/09/2021 18:44

@MacSmirving

Because it's living on your own but with support. Just like going off to university. He's not being kicked out and he's not being left entirely to his own devices.

The brothers are lazy, irresponsible and pot heads (OP's own words). Is that proper support?

JustLyra · 25/09/2021 18:48

@MacSmirving

Because it's living on your own but with support. Just like going off to university. He's not being kicked out and he's not being left entirely to his own devices.

Being ditched by your parent because they want to shack up with their partner of less than a year is nothing like uni.

The 17yo and 16yo in this scenario may not be being kicked out technically, but they basically are. They're not longer welcome to live with their parent in the way they do currently.

MacSmirving · 25/09/2021 18:50

I'm tempted to be flippant and say again, sounds just like being a student. But, no, I missed the bit about the older brothers being dodgy.

Fireflygal · 25/09/2021 18:57

Is this the same bloke who a year ago you thought was messing you around with his Ex?

I suspect Op won't be back but she is just determined to be with this bloke irrespective of his behavior or consequence to her children.

Utterly selfish and self absorbed.

ShuddaBeenMe · 25/09/2021 18:58

DH mum did exactly this.

DH found it very very hard when DS was 17 thinking that was the age she chose a bloke over him.

We don't speak to his mum and haven't for years. She's a selfish cow as you'd expect from choosing a boyfriend over her son.

NursieBernard · 25/09/2021 19:02

No way could I do it and I would think less of a friend that did so. The same goes for your partner and the way that they are treating their 16 year old.

DerAlteMann · 25/09/2021 19:07

Why not? At 17 both my DF and FIL were in the Navy. I'd do it.

KingdomScrolls · 25/09/2021 19:22

Oh your poor children, your son already knows his father doesn't give a shit and now he can't rely on his mother either. Also diving into living with someone who already has children with multiple women, one of whom he's keen to reduce contact with, and you've already had suspicions about his fidelity. Are you moving in to keep an eye on him? This all sounds very rushed and like it's not prioritising the people most likely to be affected. As many others have said it's one thing for children/young adults to go off to study, knowing they have stable family home to come back to, it's another to be left in a house share with your siblings because mum's got a new boyfriend.

ChequerBoard · 25/09/2021 19:22

@DerAlteMann

Why not? At 17 both my DF and FIL were in the Navy. I'd do it.

Right, because choosing to join the armed forces is exactly the same as being dumped with your waster older brothers to follow their crap example because you mum wants to have another crack at playing happy families with someone else's kids.

Kanaloa · 25/09/2021 19:35

@figtrees

This thread is batshit. I moved out at 18 because I wanted to live with my partner at the time. Found a cheap rental and didn't look back. Most 18 year olds move away for university and this set up would hardly be any different, in fact he's only a mile up the road not at a university on the other side of the county. Do they all have abandonment issues? When does he turn 18? If he's living with sensible older brothers and you check in regularly I don't see any problem. I'd suggest you make sure to have a proper tanancy agreement and do house inspections though. Also make it clear that he will have to move back in with you if he isn't responsible. I very much doubt your 12 year old wants to share a room either, or at least won't want to for veey long. I say see if it works for you.

The difference is so obvious. A young adult moving out to go to uni or live alone (usually with parental support) isn’t the same as a parent leaving the family home and expecting a teenager to claim benefits to try and support themselves.

Honestly mumsnet baffles me at times. On one thread you have people insisting 16 is too young to be left alone overnight or babysit, or that a 14 year old can’t be held to account for punching his mum, then on another people trying to insist it’s acceptable for a mother to move in with her boyfriend of less than a year and leave her 17 year old to try and sort himself out.

And then op is busy emphasising that her son will be only a mile away and a mile isn’t far - but too far to be from her short term boyfriend. Madness.

And I moved out of foster care at 16. Yes, I managed. Doesn’t mean I think it was the best situation, and I’d never leave my kids to fend for themselves (on benefits apparently) as teens.

Beaudalaire · 25/09/2021 19:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

scarpa · 25/09/2021 20:43

My friend's mum did this. He doesn't see her any more. He, too, was a 17 year old who didn't want to sit with his mum every night, didn't need tucking into bed, but was also transitioning to being an adult and doing his A Levels and needed someone other than his older sister there for him.

Don't do it, OP.

Graphista · 25/09/2021 21:44

I will NEVER understand these posts by mners who as soon as a new boyfriend/girlfriend comes along they seem to forget they are parents!

You've been with bf less than 2 years, you barely know each other, both sets of kids contain children at crucial stages educationally and developmentally.

This is an absolutely dreadful idea!

Prioritise your dc and put your sex/social life on the back burner.

We honestly wouldn’t be doing this if we believed our children would be damaged by it. We adore our children and want the best for them

Words are cheap! Actions matter and your actions if you went ahead and did this would be saying to your kids that they're bottom of your list.

and if there is a problem we Will fix it.

How? By the time there's a problem the damage is done! You can't turn back time.

Oh god- if you’ve been in an abusive marriage and this is your first relationship since then please please don’t rush into something!

Another excellent point!

Fr0thandBubble · 25/09/2021 21:51

I think you're being selfish.

And your DP doesn't sound like too much of a catch to be honest - two children with two different women and now about to move in with a third, with her own children.

But you've clearly made up your mind, so not sure why you posted TBH.

FrozenoutofCostco · 25/09/2021 21:57

I lived alone at 16 (well, in a homeless hostel). Totally plausible if he's sensible.

FrozenoutofCostco · 25/09/2021 22:10

However from a parenting point of view, it does sound like you're choosing your partner over your son.

Blaming the father is frankly childish. It's like saying "But, but, HE did worse things than me!!!!!!"

The father is totally irrelevant! Although it has to be said, the worse the father is, the BETTER you should be!!!!!!!!!

Nayday · 25/09/2021 22:18

OP left this thread on page 6 🤣

Plumtree391 · 26/09/2021 21:16

Op, if you look at this thread, please think about what people are saying.

I am sure you love your children but understand you want to be with a man you love after all you have been through in your marriage; however do you really need to live with him? You could surely carry on as you are for a while longer. You've only known him a short while.

Living with someone and especially with someone else's children for at least some of the time is not all fun, you must know that.

It strikes me that you are rushing into a full time relationship when a part time one is probably the best idea for the time being.

It could be more fun having a boyfriend than a live in partner.

I'm afraid you may be committing yourself to someone whom you do not know well, who may turn out to be not as good as you currently think. He has two children by two different women, hardly a great track record. If you move in, he may want to use you as a housekeeper, to make life easier for himself and his children.

Don't give up your home. It won't hurt to live apart and get to know each other better before making a commitment.

Good luck.

snowblack · 30/09/2021 20:39

The good thing is this thread (and the other thread ’My son is useless’) is likely to still be here for her kids to google, when OP is old enough to complain on here that her kids and grandkids shoved her out and she is no longer wanted - just like that.

FortniteBoysMum · 30/09/2021 23:25

Sounds to me like you should put your kids first and wait another year until his 18. He cannot get financial support for housing costs especially when living in family owned accommodation. Kids come before relationships. They will always be your children even when your relationship ends.

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