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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 14:02

We are both essentially having to make family changes. My partner won’t be having his son 50% of the time but will have my youngest full time with me. I will be taking on a 4 year old half the time too.

It sounds shitty for everyone!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 24/09/2021 14:03

No way would I do that, I wouldn't even leave the 19 year old . They're supposed to be the ones to move out of the family home when they are ready and able to support themselves. Can't you wait a few years

vivainsomnia · 24/09/2021 14:04

If you are moving in a 3 bed house, the 12to gets a room and the 4yo too, where is he supposed to go? Are you giving him a choice but to stay with his brothers?

MadeOfStarStuff · 24/09/2021 14:04

You and your boyfriend are choosing your relationship over your teenage children. It really doesn’t get more selfish than that. Will you move out the 12 year old when they become an inconvenience too?

YABVU

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 24/09/2021 14:07

So his 16 year old is going from 50% custody with his dad to what? Nothing? And you're going to leave your 17 year old behind for the sake of a man?

Jesus, you both need to sort your priorities out!

sparklefarts · 24/09/2021 14:08

Wow.

You and your partner aren't making sacrifices. Your kids are. Your ditching your kid and your partner is ditching his.

It's also interesting that you are not answering the question as to how long you've been together

Sarcobaleno · 24/09/2021 14:08

My mum did this to me at that age. I was happy with it. Now I look back and realise how utterly selfish she was.

Also your kids being happy with something doesn't mean it's good for them.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 14:09

Yes, you are being selfish. You're essentially putting your own wants over what's best for your child.

Staryflight445 · 24/09/2021 14:09

Absolutely no way would I ever consider this.
It sounds unfair on all of the children too.

No relationship should ever come first.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 14:10

In 2 years time, your DS3 is 19 and his DC1 is 18, and that’s when it would be appropriate to start discussions around moving house. But you’d ideally look for a 4-bed, so there’s options to put up guests as you both have very young adults who might need housing.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 24/09/2021 14:11

Sounds bloody awful for all the kids involved in fact. I'm a single parent and I'd never move in with a man until my DC was an adult.

Beautiful3 · 24/09/2021 14:11

I'm sorry but I can't believe you would do that! It's very selfish to abandon him.

Original poster
Teesstar · 24/09/2021 14:11

Looks like you all think I am being totally unreasonable then.

We honestly wouldn’t be doing this if we believed our children would be damaged by it. We adore our children and want the best for them, but we also want to live together. The kids know fine well they have a home with us, they can stay over some nights, they can eat with us, they can just chill out with us, not that they really want to as they are teenage boys with friends!

They are loved, they are still well looked after. That was never ever in question!
Us parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too!

I can appreciate that I can’t explain the how our family dynamics are, so I have to just take it on the chin that other people only see this as a bad move. But I think we can make this work and if there is a problem we Will fix it.

OP posts:
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 24/09/2021 14:12

Just as another thought it's really worrying that your partner is giving up having his own DS 50 50 just to move in with you.

"We are both essentially having to make family changes. My partner won’t be having his son 50% of the time but will have my youngest full time with me. I will be taking on a 4 year old half the time too. "

This isn't really the right way to look at this OP, without wanting to be harsh, it's not one out one in. It seems like you and your DP just want to do this and the 16 and 17 YO's are collateral damage. I'm not saying this to be harsh to you, because until that post I thought that at 17 it might be fair to do this if it's him who doesn't want to move but you want him to, because he knows you want him. But the problem is from that second post it's more like your DP is swapping out his own son for yours and you feel like you're doing something by having his four YO there.

Your DS knows his dad doesn't want him, and you DP's 16 YO knows the same really now that his dad is giving up his time with him to live with you and your DS, and his little sister for 50 50. I'd be really worrying about the sort of man your DP is TBH, and thinking about waiting a year or two when the two boys are eighteen and nineteen and then moving in when your DS is 14 and his DD is 6.

BananaPB · 24/09/2021 14:13

Can't you wait until the end of the school year ? He'll be finished in 8/9 months time ?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 24/09/2021 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DeepaBeesKit · 24/09/2021 14:13

So you and your new partner are both basing cutting back your commitment to your 16 & 17 year olds because together you can only afford a 3 bed and theres not space?

Honestly, I dont see why you can't just wait a couple of years till they are ready to go off to university or be working full time & supporting themselves.

Gorl · 24/09/2021 14:14

Doesn’t sound like either you or your partner are prioritising the kids here.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 14:14

Oh god- if you’ve been in an abusive marriage and this is your first relationship since then please please don’t rush into something!

Of course you matter as adults. But it’s really not long to wait. If you’re all around the corner from each other and get on well then why change it? Living together isn’t necessary.

De88 · 24/09/2021 14:14

You asked for no hate and just advice. This is not hate, at all; my advice enough be don't do it, just wait. It will never not be seen as you choosing your relationship over your children.

Wait until he's finished college and see where he's at, and where your relationship is at. As pp above, if this man is worth sticking with he will understand and also will want to keep things as they are with his own children.

It sounds a bit like you've already sorted a house and all living arrangements out and have suddenly stopped to think about this as you have the inkling it isn't the right thing to do.

If you think its be ok to have your son a mile away, you'll definitely be ok with your partner a mile away. From a practical point of view, if you did do this I think your son might be entitled to some benefits, but it would not be much- he'd technically be unavailable for work too being in study. I think your child benefit for him would probably stop- try Turn2us or someone better qualified will give more info. Good luck.

DeepaBeesKit · 24/09/2021 14:14

We adore our children and want the best for them, but we also want to live together.

So basically your desire to live together comes first though

MadeOfStarStuff · 24/09/2021 14:15

Your kids will always remember that you decided you’d rather shack up with each other than be there for them. Don’t expect any help from them in the future when you get old!

catandbabymama · 24/09/2021 14:15

I can appreciate that I can’t explain the how our family dynamics are, so I have to just take it on the chin that other people only see this as a bad move. But I think we can make this work and if there is a problem we Will fix it.*
*
Why are you asking then if you're not taking the advice and you think you're going to do it anyway? You're choosing a man over your children - there is a problem and you can fix it by not doing it.

BlackHatHuddler · 24/09/2021 14:16

Now I look back and realise how utterly selfish she was.

100% this.

I look back at what happened in my case - cool at the time, fucking ridiculous and selfish in hindsight.

Original poster
Teesstar · 24/09/2021 14:16

@FrankButchersDickieBow

Don't put your want for cock, above the needs of your teenage son.

Seriously cannot believe you are considering it.

If you moved into your parents house 2 years ago, you can't have been with Mr Goldencock for that long.

Just calm yourself an wait for a couple of years.

That’s not really on to say that. No need.
OP posts:
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