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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out and leave 17 year old?

423 replies

Teesstar · 24/09/2021 13:37

Please no hate, just advice!

So 2 years ago I moved into my parents house and have rented it off them (They are separated and live with their partners).

I met someone and now want to move in with him and we have got a three bed house we will move in soon.

I have 4 sons aged (23,19,17 and 12)
They are all really mature, older two work, 17 year old is at college and 12 year old is obviously coming to live with me and mg partner.

My partner has 2 kids he has 50% of the time, one 16 year old son and 4year old daughter (different mums). His son will be going to live with his mum full time - just around the corner, and we will have his daughter 6 days a fortnight. She has a room of her own in new house and so does my 12 year old.

17 year old won’t share a room, and despite having a spare room his dad and his partner won’t have him. So he wants to stay with his older brothers in my parents house and between me and his father (who is useless at paying up) we will have to pay his share of the rent and bills, and living.

We wondered if he could claim any financial help until he finishes college?
Am I being selfish leaving a 17 year old to live with my partner?
I am still going to be around loads, will be having him for tea lots and still paying for his driving lessons and things he needs, lifts home etc. But We will live about a mile apart!

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 24/09/2021 14:27

Why even start this thread? You have made your mind up. Your posts are so contradictory, I can't express strongly enough my disgust for parents like you.

BBOA · 24/09/2021 14:28

Sorry but it comes across as you choosing your new partner over your son. 17 is way too young to not live with you. He’d always feel kicked out whatever you say. You should get a bigger house where all children can live or wait until he’s older.

MintyGreenDream · 24/09/2021 14:29

Depends on his maturity level I suppose.Dh moved in with friends at 17.

cloudacious · 24/09/2021 14:29

Never.

Seesawmummadaw · 24/09/2021 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ChequerBoard · 24/09/2021 14:31

Nope. Absolutely not.

Why do you need to do this now? What's the reason for the urgency? Is it financial? Is it childcare related - as if you provide free childcare for the 4YO? Or is it just based on romantic feelings of 'we want to be together'?

Whatever the reasoning, they are other ways around it. If you think this man is 'the one' then you can both wait for another 12 months and see where you and more importantly your DC are at that point.

HoppingPavlova · 24/09/2021 14:31

Us parents matter too. I’ve spent all my adult life raising kids and in an painfully abusive marriage and I need a bit of something good for myself too!

Nope. A 17yo child, because that’s what they are, matters more than the parents no matter the background. They will always know you chose a man over them. You may try and twist your mind to believe it’s fine. It’s not.

krustykittens · 24/09/2021 14:32

@Wbeezer

My DS2 went off to uni at 17, as do lots of kids in Scotland so I'm not against youngsters that age living semi independently and at least the OP is giving him a choice of staying or coming.
That is true, but they choose to leave and they get to come home throughout the year to their home and their room and their parents waiting for them. Did you see a thread posted a few months ago about someone wanting to turn their uni student's bedroom into a dining room and have them sleep on the sofa and live out of a bag when they were home? It didn't go down well. This boy is being told by his mum that she moving out to a house where they won't have their own room because mum has decided to put a new partner first. Very different situation.
YellowMonday · 24/09/2021 14:36

Hi OP. Not much to add as I agree with most of the points raised. I do agree on the idea to wait 12 months - if you live so closely you can spend nights with your partner and vice versa. You'll also have the benefit of date nights, which is the best part of being with someone before living together!

TooMuchPaper · 24/09/2021 14:37

How long have you been in a relationship with your boyfriend?

AdventureCode · 24/09/2021 14:40

My mother did this to me at the age of 17,i was left alone in a 3 bed house. I though it was great at the time as i thought i was mature and grown up and it would be fun, i went to college during the day and worked at night. But i was also incredibly embarrassed to tell people that I lived on my own, eg my own mum had ditched me. Like you she moved in with someone where there was no room for me. We aren't close, and i look back and think wtaf was she thinking.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2021 14:40

Can you explain why he’s ditching the existing 50/50 with his son?

Did you always want a daughter and that’s why you’re leaving your sons to look after his little girl?

Stompythedinosaur · 24/09/2021 14:42

Of course you shouldn't leave a child behind to go and live with your new partner!

He also shouldn't stop seeing his dc in favour of moving you in.

Just stay living where you are - that is so clearly best for all the dc.

LoislovesStewie · 24/09/2021 14:43

And who is going to pay for his food, clothes, share of bills etc? And that is the least of it;you are setting him up to fail.

MintJulia · 24/09/2021 14:43

Sorry but you chose to have kids. You have a responsibility to see them through to adulthood.

You could quite easily continue to see your new man, while living only a mile apart, without causing all this upheaval and risking damaging your son.

If your relationship won't stand a wait of 9 months, then it's not worth the bother. And you're probably 40s or 50s so you have decades to be together. Why does it have to be now?

Derbee · 24/09/2021 14:43

Why post when you’ve already decided?

It’s appallingly selfish, and it’s a disgusting attitude of a parent to abandon a teenager to shack up with their new lover.

You say you’ll fix any problems, but the damage won’t be realised for a few years, as issues of abandonment start to arise. Your children will know you stayed in an abusive marriage (what did they experience?) and then abandoned them for your next relationship.

Utterly utterly selfish. Really saddens me that people like you and your boyfriend (not even addressing his abandonment of his children) have children with so little understanding of emotional needs as well as physical

jeanne16 · 24/09/2021 14:44

I’m shocked that you seem to think there may be some financial help for your abandoned 17 year old son. Why should this fall on tax payers.

dreamingbohemian · 24/09/2021 14:45

Why can't you wait one year?

That is what makes you so obviously unreasonable. No one is saying you don't deserve to be happy but surely you can be happy living apart for one more year.

someonesomewhere7 · 24/09/2021 14:46

@TooMuchPaper

How long have you been in a relationship with your boyfriend?
Why are you avoiding this question, @Teesstar?
Briony123 · 24/09/2021 14:46

You have 4 dependent children, why are you not moving into a 5 bedroom house?

snowblack · 24/09/2021 14:47

Honestly, you’d be a crap mother to do something like that. But you don’t care what anyone thinks anyway, you only care about yourself so I don’t know why you asked.

viques · 24/09/2021 14:47

You and your partner “adore” your children. The six children, who will be spread around four houses between four adults, two of whom are in a newish relationship. You don’t say if both ex partners have new partners to add to the mix.

Yet you and your partner only live a mile apart from each other. No distance at all to maintain a relationship. Why not keep the living arrangements as they are for a few more years until your two eldest are living independent lives, your third has finished school/college and the youngest children have had a chance to adapt to what must be a very new situation still.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 24/09/2021 14:47

As a side note, why exactly do you think you should be able to claim benefits in order to facilitate your sex life and the abrogation of your parental responsibilities?

Your posts reek of selfishness, entitlement and poor decision making on both your parts. Your poor children still need you. Do better.

AllyBama · 24/09/2021 14:47

You are literally choosing your boyfriend over your child and using your past abusive relationship as a justification.

You son will know this, and never forget it. And you will never be able to take it back. I would be very worried that your relationship with him would never be the same. Simply because this isn’t a necessary thing you must do. You’re doing it because you’re putting you’re own needs before your child’s.

I have no idea what the point of this this thread was when you’ve clearly made up your mind to do it anyway. On your head be it.

DysmalRadius · 24/09/2021 14:48

So your partner is giving up most of his contact with his son, but his 16-year-old daughter has her own room in a house that she will only be using 6 days a month, but there's no room for your 17 year old unless he shares? Is that right?

This is a weird set-up and, honestly, I'm not sure I would be so keen to give up daily contact with my child for a live-in boyfriend when it requires so much sacrifice on the part of all the children involved. Does your son want you to stay with him?