School keeps taking away my daughter's shoe

[Dryrobeandnoknickers]

This week my Year 7 dd's school is running some baseline tests for them and on Friday we received a message from the school to let us know about these tests and ask that they bring in some headphones.

Neither dd or I own any headphones that would work with the laptop and I completely forgot to borrow some over the weekend.

On Monday during the first test she explained to the invigilator that she didn't have any, but luckily they had spares. She was told that she could borrow them in exchange for one of her shoes so "that she didn't steal them". This happened for several of the tests so she had to sit in the hall for several hours without a shoe and feels like she was being treated like a thief, and that it was humiliating.

She has now borrowed a pair of headphones for the rest of the week from a family member but chatting with some other parents this seems like a commonly used approach at the school.

I asked the school for their side of it and have just received a response saying "in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school."

I'm pretty annoyed about how this was handled - my daughter felt it was degrading and that it not pitched in a light-hearted way but she was treated as though she might be a thief.

If I asked a colleague at the school I work at if I could borrow a pair of headphones and they asked me to give them my shoe in exchange I'd feel pretty frustrated about being treated like that too.

AIBU and this just how things work at secondary school and I'm being too precious and naïve about how to manage these things?

I know that its not the biggest of issues in the greater scheme of things but it has really grated on me and I really want to raise it with the school. Surely they'll get more out of the kids by treating them in a respectful way (which their behaviour policy states they should) and if/when there are any issues and they don't treat the school property with respect then they should be given a consequence and the parents should pay to replace them. Why not simply count out the 10 sets of headphones at the start of the test then count them back in at the end?

AIBU to challenge them on how they do this? I'm guessing an email from me isn't likely to change things but really feel I should say my piece.

You could have bought some and she could just as easily still have left them at home, the shoe exchange didn’t mean her family couldn’t afford them.

Send them to private, you have a choice, tbh? What a silly comment.

And TBH, your comment is even more silly. The majority of us don’t have the option of sending our DC to a private school. It’s a choice between state school or homeschooling.

What on Earth do you mean???

It works. Billing parents at year end woujd not guarantee headsets were available the next day for other pupils. If you are really so concerned it’s humiliating/ dangerous/ embarrassing etc either send in spare pair of shoes - or perhaps even the equipment required.

@LizzieW1969, same for me, I don't have a choice to send my dc to private either. So I don't slag off state school like the poster I quoted did. She said she was disgusted and angry, and state school is farce.

I think the OP’s DD was as much upset by the teacher telling her that she had to hand over her shoe as insurance in case she ‘stole’ the headphones. She might not have felt so upset if the teacher had said, ‘so you don’t forget to return the headphones.’

school should provide headphones if they are needed, whats next bring your computer in for the test, bring your own table and chair?

I’m a teacher and do this when pupils borrow my pen. It’s all done in good humour and the yr7s, in particular, love it.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. For some this might be light hearted but for others it would be mortifying. As a teenager I would have found it really embarrassing, and I think teenagers have enough to deal with without being made to feel so uncomfortable. I would bring it up with them but I wouldn’t get angry I would just request they don’t handle it this way with my daughter. People will say that you’re being precious but everyone is different, if it’s causing your daughter anxiety that’s not good, especially in a test environment which is stressful enough already!

Yanbu. My son would be so embarrassed and anxious sitting with one shoe. He would not be able to concentrate.
Juvenile treatment of older kids. Surely they could find a better system? You don’t return the headphones you pay for them maybe?

Can’t believe there are people actually thinking this is a good idea. It’s not that hard to take the name of the person whose borrowed it, or to make them return it before leaving the room. It IS degrading to sit there without a shoe and whether it’s meant to be light hearted or not it will make a lot of students feel very uncomfortable. This will have a direct impact on their ability to achieve well on that session. It is also your/your child’s property which you have not consented to them taking from your child. Personally, I would be going into the school in person to make a very strong complaint about this, very quickly followed up on writing. I would find a way to escalate it if I didn’t receive an immediate apology and assurances that it would never happen again.

@EatAllDay

Yanbu. My son would be so embarrassed and anxious sitting with one shoe. He would not be able to concentrate. Juvenile treatment of older kids. Surely they could find a better system? You don’t return the headphones you pay for them maybe?

The problem with charging is that the headphones have to be replaced and are not there for the next student, if it happens several times then you can end up with no school headphones.

The thing with a shoe is that all pupils are wearing shoes.

Money - lots of children don't have because they pay for foos with their finger and the bus with a pass

Phone - not all pupils have one and most schools have a 'no phones' policy so you are breaking school rules.

As for a shoe with holes in, that would trigger a conversation with SLT about whether the family need referring to support.

As I said before in colleges you can usually ask for ID as students cannot access places without the ID.

As for a choice, I used to ask students in FE for 'something in exchange' I once had a ruler attempted to be swapped for a sex toy (thankfully in its packaging and I presume unused) that's when it changed to ID or a shoe.

In FE you often draw up a 'class contract' with the group and if you can put the 'rules' on the wall. It is different in FE because alongside teenagers you have mature students and they may need eg to have a phone on because they are a carer or a parent.

However this is popular in the 'class contract' BTW class contract is negotiated by the group and often the students come up with harsher rules than I would.

YABVU.... I work in a school. They are not bottomless pits of money. Kids take these things either by accident or on purpose. Either way, they don't come back! I think it was handled very well. You are turning your daughter into a snowflake! Man up

Great idea, all for helping schools save money. I bet it works too.

Get over it !!!
If it bothers you, make sure next time she has everything she needs !

Am I being dappy here, why can't they simply take her NAME down??

By taking a 'deposit', the teacher ensures that the pupil remembers to hand back the item. That way the teacher doesn't have to at the end of the lesson when they are collecting in books, answering queries about homework, dismissing the class in an orderly fashion etc, leaving in time to get to her next lesson etc. The teacher then also doesn't have to chase up the named student later in the day if the item wasn't handed back.

Can they not just put coloured stickers or cards on the desks - blue = own headphones, yellow = school headphones, then collect the headphones from the yellow desks before they let everyone leave the room? This shoe business is horrid.

@PieMistee

Fuck me. That's a harsh, though probably very effective, way of getting them returned. I might do it with pens at meetings. Some bugger always runs off with mine.

You are very much over reacting and taking it personally. Ffs humiliation because she's got no shoes on, get her some bought and then she won't have to suffer the humiliation

@listsandbudgets

I see the schools point of view but surely it wouuld be better to take phone or school bag.

I wouldn't be too happy on safety grounds either. In the event of a fire for example your daughters foot could get stood on if people are pushing to get out

I agree, taking a shoe not only alerts the rest of the school population to the fact that the child is being treated differently, it is humiliation for children whose family may not be able to afford headphones. If a school has tests that require special equipment, they are required to ensure children have access to this and taking a shoe as a 'deposit' is making sure a child can't leave the hall/room but in a way that draws attention to the child more than it should.

@DuggeeHugs

Can they not just put coloured stickers or cards on the desks - blue = own headphones, yellow = school headphones, then collect the headphones from the yellow desks before they let everyone leave the room? This shoe business is horrid.

Exactly. There are better ways to do this

@ArblemarchTFruitbat

"in the past we have loaned headphones to students and they have forgotten to return them and this has cost the school a substantial amount of money to replace them. We feel we have taken a light-hearted approach to loaning headphones to students who have forgotten to bring their own into school.

How about they manage the issue in an adult way rather than taking this silly approach? If they must ask for something, make it a cash deposit.

This is an adult way and very light hearted! It ensures the schools property is returned. Schools run on a budget. They also don't have time to re-do tests when parents forget to send children to school with items that have been requested. They could always of had her not take the tests as she didn't have the equipment. But then her grades would have plummeted and parent would have had something to say about that too!

What a sensational title! Make sure your DD has the correct equipment. You forgot,l and presumably she forgot too.

Headphones are sold in poundshops so hardly a huge investment. I think the shoe deposit is quite sensible and puts the onus on the child to return promptly what they've borrowed. It's a good life lesson.

The school are not being reasonable, they are being discriminatory. I don’t know your personal situation but this approach could highlight that some parents are struggling financially and therefore the school are very clearly penalising children for this it’s like making who struggled with work wear a dunces cap. It’s not fun because it will make a child who has just started at the school feel uncomfortable and create anxiety. Put your concerns in writing to the safeguarding officer at the school and head teacher using all the jargon they fear, child anxiety and mental health is an issue schools cann’t ignore and are failing in their duty of care if they create situations that create anxiety. It’s the adults fault if they can’t keep tabs on those children who have borrowed headphones during a test.

I agree it's probably a bit humiliating for her, especially with how kids can be. On the other hand it's a good way of making sure they come back, but a strange one. Different situation but a invigilator at my school when I was a kid used to walk round searching for Bluetooth devices (when having a cool Bluetooth name was the thing 😂). She'd shout them out and some of them were awful and the owner would go bright red 😂

Did they issue a kit list of things that children should have and were headphones on there?
In secondary if you don't have the kit then you live with the consequences.
Parents are notorious for not replacing things that get lost etc.
Just get her some headphones and be done with it.