DH invited friends to stay without asking me

[BeepyBoo]

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

You needed a cat sitter, he’s arranged a cat sitter. Don’t do all the organisation/cleaning you’re thinking about for their arrival – it sounds slightly like work you make for yourself not work that actually needs doing.

He’s invited them, he can clean up and prepare beds for them. Let him crack on.

YANBU at all! It would take me a few days to get the house ready for visitors, never mind relative strangers! I’m okay with close family coming to stay on a ‘take us as you find us’ basis, but definitely not people I don’t know well! If he’s invited, he needs to be the one to get the house ready for guests! Though, even if my house was show- home standard, I still wouldn’t be happy with people I didn’t know well staying!

YANBU this would stress me out too

I would refuse to go on the weekend away. No way would I want anyone staying in my house when I wasn't there. Or put the cats in a cattery.

If you're going to tell me to just leave my house as it is and let them stay, then don't bother. No way. There would be a lot to clean, plan and think about. I would be uncomfortable otherwise. And he wouldn't have the foggiest where to start. Me trying to get him to realise what needs doing, would also do my head in.

The original cat sitter would not have been sitting BTW, just visiting twice a day for 30 mins.

Use a cattery?

I can see it from both of your POV but the problem is the poor communication on his part.

So annoying for you though. Find an alternative cat-sitter and tell the couple thanks but no thanks.

He's a 7 month old kitten (very well behaved and trained!) but quite nervy, so I wouldn't send him to a cattery.

You don’t need a cattery, there are plenty of people who feed pets in the home and it wouldn’t be very expensive for just a couple of days.

I think the reason is very relevant - he hasn’t just invited his friends to stay for a jolly, he’s solved a joint household problem by arranging a cat sitter. He can change the spare bed and run the vacuum cleaner around, forget about what other “organisation” you think you need to do, there’s no need to be a martyr.

Relieved to see I have some YANBU, thank you. He was staring at me dog-eyed, telling me he was just trying to help, as I fumed. Which was even more annoying, as it shows he completely has no idea how much I actually have on my plate at the moment.

Use the money you would have saved on a cat-sitter, and get a cleaner in.
It's hardly the end of the world.

Oh god, total nightmare. Men really don't think about these things. Of course you'll have to leave clean beds, bathroom, kitchen. There's no hope I'd be leaving these things unclean. I'd be mortified if they went rooting, and there's many who do. Even opening wardrobes to have a nose. Mines organised mess 😂 if you can't arrange anything else, I'd lock the door to one bedroom and feck everything in there. I mean, clothes, crap that had no home, even strip the bed they'll be sleeping in and feck in the covers. Then do a list give it to him and tell him to sort it,

It's even making sure that we have things in they might want - shopping for them, washing towels, changing beds, etc, all last minute stuff a cleaner would not do. I don't particularly want a cleaner here TBH.

Write him a list of things to do, and if you are leaving at 8:30 pm Friday tell him if they aren’t done by 7:30 you will cancel the weekend, call the friends and say it’s off. Tell dh you will explain you needed to get some things tidied and beds ready for them, you’re super busy so dh was going to and he hasn’t so it’s really embarrassing but you can’t.
If you do end up canceling it’s a good boundary to set with your dh. My husband only started contributing to organising holidays when he knew I would 100% cancel 30 seconds before we walked out the door if he hadn’t pulled his weight.

If you're going to tell me to just leave my house as it is and let them stay, then don't bother.

So why ask us ?

You (as a couple) had a problem. He has solved it. Now you are raging at him

I agree with burritofan in the first reply and then ComtesseDeSpair - there is no need for you to be a martyr.

@BeepyBoo

It's even making sure that we have things in they might want - shopping for them, washing towels, changing beds, etc, all last minute stuff a cleaner would not do. I don't particularly want a cleaner here TBH.

But why is this your problem? Why have you stayed married to an imbecile who apparently isn’t capable of changing a duvet cover, putting a load of towels in the washing machine and wiping down the bathroom? Don’t you think you could do better?

So what is your solution?

You don't have a cat sitter
You don't want to use a cattery
You don't want people to stay to look after the cat
Who do you think should look after the cat?

Can you write a list of everything that needs doing and split it?

That is what we would do and my DH would do it.

There you go you’ve half written the list already
Change bedlinen to sheet pattern x
Wash towels, clean towels neatly stacked on made beds.
No wet or clean washing lying about house.
Shopping for nice snacks bread milk cheese ham
Note saying help themselves to fridge, apologies for mess in laundry,
List of what cat needs, where to find cat food, kitty litter etc
Check we have all cat food,litter etc
Vacuum house
By
Say ‘Now that would be actually helping, becasue if I have to do all this I will explode with stress and I will need a week away on my own to recover, not holidaying with the man who’s set it up so all this needs doing and wandered off whistling.

I admit he should know this but it might help you to feel a bit better about it all

I'm sure I can get another cat visitor (don't need someone to stay in the house), there are lots around. It's the fact he asked people to stay without asking me, or considering the work it will require. I find it disrespectful. I would not organise something like this without even asking him. I literally don't have 20 mins downtime ATM. I can't even make a day or two space to prepare before we go.

Way to go timeisnotaline!

He can stay home and look after the cat and DC and you have a lovely weekend away.