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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH invited friends to stay without asking me

202 replies

BeepyBoo · 20/09/2021 23:14

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

OP posts:
ManifestDestinee · 21/09/2021 08:58

@burritofan

You needed a cat sitter, he’s arranged a cat sitter. Don’t do all the organisation/cleaning you’re thinking about for their arrival – it sounds slightly like work you make for yourself not work that actually needs doing.
He arranged house guests, an entirely different thing.

I'd fucking kill him OP.

tempchecked · 21/09/2021 09:16

This is one of the principal reasons I won't have pets. I like them, but they stunt your freedom to do things at the drop of a hat really, and it costs such a lot to have them in terms of money, organising care, getting food and going to the vet etc.

Anyway, I get it OP, very few like to have people to stay because of the prep involved getting the place decent enough for their visit. When your OH doesn't see the need for this, it is quite selfish. To those who say "get him to change the beds and run the vacuum around", it is not that, it is the "fear" of others thinking your house might not be up to their standards and the embarrassment of them possibly thinking this, leading to a cleaning frenzy before visitors arrive.

I would refuse to have them and get OH to tell them too.

LittleMysSister · 21/09/2021 09:36

@BeepyBoo

It's even making sure that we have things in they might want - shopping for them, washing towels, changing beds, etc, all last minute stuff a cleaner would not do. I don't particularly want a cleaner here TBH.
It's just one couple so surely you just change the one bed they will stay in? Tidy up that bedroom and the main living area and just close the doors to the other bedrooms.

Also, you don't need to shop for them at all. I catsit for my sister all the time, they just leave bread, milk and toilet rolls, anything else we just buy ourselves!!

I think you are really overthinking this.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/09/2021 09:37

Ok, I get what you mean OP

Just pondering from an equality point of view: can you image a bloke, any bloke, who’s worried about being judged on the state of the home?

Who feels responsible for its cleanliness?

Can you imagine anyone, make it female, who would judge the MAN (and not the WOMAN) if a house they visited was filthy?

Does this not just show how gender roles have not evolved as much as we’d like to believe? It’s only women with get judged, and who fear being judged, on the state of their home?

Cocomarine · 21/09/2021 09:40

Your life is so frantic that you haven’t unpacked a suitcase from 3 weeks ago… and yet at some point in the last 7 months, you decided to add a kitten to the mix.
No doubt you’ll say that something just ramped us this last few weeks, but honestly - I am 🙄 at the number of times I see on MN women saying how very busy they are - and that including dealing with pets.

You haven’t had time to empty a suitcase, yet you don’t work full time and you’re ferrying kids to clubs. How about, the next club day after you get back from hols and haven’t emptied your suitcase, you just don’t do clubs until you’re on top of it?

I totally agree with you that arranging people to stay over creates work. My house is clean and tidy enough for visitors at all times (that’s more because I’m relaxed that Hinchy!) but yes, it would still need a bed linen change.

But all the stuff about having to do a shop for them? You’re creating work.

Yet another MN thread with a woman stressing about housework and saying that the man can’t do it. I just despair.

NotAnotherPylon · 21/09/2021 09:56

The tidiness or otherwise of the house is something of a red herring. The OP's DH invited people to stay in their joint home without asking how she felt about it first. Who does that? We have house guests from time to time, but neither of us would make arrangements without asking the other person if they were OK with it. If OP's DH had said 'What about asking so-and-so to stay and cat sit?', then that could have triggered a conversation about whether or not it was feasible and who would do what with regard to getting the house ready. It's the unilateral decision making on something that affects both people which would piss me off.

Tal45 · 21/09/2021 11:17

YANBU of course but it wasn't malicious, just absolutely clueless as to why you wouldn't want people to stay without lots of organising, cleaning, sorting etc.

Just tell him he has to cancel them, he shouldn't have asked them so now he needs to cancel. He can he didn't realise but you'd already found someone.

IntermittentParps · 21/09/2021 11:38

He arranged house guests, an entirely different thing.
They're not really guests; the OP and DH won't be there.

snowblack · 21/09/2021 11:40

@Cocomarine Spot on!

tickledtiger · 21/09/2021 12:58

YANBU OP I’d be cancelling them and getting someone to drop in as per the initial plan.

It’s thoughtless of him.

PearlclutchersInc · 21/09/2021 13:11

I empathise immensely - he should have asked first and tried harder to get another cat sitting visitor.

All these people that are seemingly comfortable with having a couple of near strangers staying in their home when they're not there either have perfect homes all the time or would go nuts if they were on the receiving end.

rookiemere · 21/09/2021 13:13

@PearlclutchersInc or are perhaps less intrinsically bothered by having strangers in the house.

Cocomarine · 21/09/2021 13:29

@PearlclutchersInc where has this near strangers thing come from?! It’s not from a random house sitter website, it’s her husband’s friend and wife. Hardly strangers!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2021 13:58

People definitely do go a-rooting, as someone so nicely put it!

I had some friends house-sit for me while I was away for a couple of weeks. I didn't want anyone going in my bedroom, but they had the spare and another bedroom to use. I piled my bed up with all the junk and stuff I'd cleared away from the rest of the house, and asked them not to use my room.

When I got back, they obviously HAD let someone use my room Angry as the bed had been cleared. I was not at all happy - wish I'd been able to lock my bedroom door to keep them out, but it wasn't possible.

LittleGwyneth · 21/09/2021 14:06

Why does your cat need to be checked on twice a day?

BlackShadowCat · 21/09/2021 14:20

@LittleGwyneth

Why does your cat need to be checked on twice a day?
7 months is still quite young. Kittens can get into all sorts of trouble. I don't think twice a day is excessive.
Evilcountspatula · 21/09/2021 14:48

I think it’s completely out of order that he’s done this and I would be furious. But your bigger problem is that he wouldn’t know where to start in terms of planning and sorting to get the house visitor ready and I’d be looking to address that in the long term. In the short term, get him to cancel the friends and either he or you find an alternative solution eg are there any neighbours with teenage children who could pop in, or could you ask for recommendations of a cat sitter on the local Facebook group (most areas seem to have one), or even at the vets?

Kite22 · 21/09/2021 19:18

Kudos to you if you could, at any moment, hand your house over to virtual strangers without worrying about cleanliness. But, for most of us we live with an element of superficially tidy for much of the time.

a) they aren't strangers - they are dh's mates
b) The OP isn't offering her home up as an Air bnb let. The pals staying over aren't going to be inspecting the inside of the fridge and writing a review.
Like some others, I live in a mix of 'superficially tidy' and some mess and hoarding and some piles ready for 'when I have time' ...... I think the difference here is that is how I live and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't feel the need to turn my house into a showhome because friends are coming over.

I don't get the people saying that the OP has 'all the mental load', when, on this occasion when the dh has solved the problem, he is then getting criticised for doing so. You can't complain that one person carries all the load, if they then don't let the other partner solve things their way.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 00:09

@LittleGwyneth

Why does your cat need to be checked on twice a day?
I always employed somebody to come in morning and late afternoon/early evening to feed the cats, make sure they were all right, etc. It worked jolly well too, the person/people (a couple were in business doing it latterly), were extremely conscientious.

Once we were away for husband's firm's annual dinner and received a telephone call from the pet minders; they hadn't been able to get into our house that evening, the key wouldn't work or something.

We went to the dinner, then made our excuses and drove home.

We had been burgled. The burglars had got in through the glass back door which they smashed (we hadn't changed the door when we moved here, just assumed it was tougher than it was), and did something to the front door to prevent anyone coming in that way while they were burgling! Husband broke into front door to allow us access, he had immediately thought of burglars, I hadn't. It was horrible coming into our home and seeing everything ransacked.

My engagement ring was missing, I had left it on a shelf intending to wear it or take it with me and forgot to do so. That was many years ago but since then I've always looked in second hand jewellery shops in case it was there but never seen one like it. I'm not generally sentimental about 'things', including jewellery, but that little ring meant a lot. It wasn't valuable, cost £28 in 1974, but it was pretty and I liked it. I got another ring on insurance but not so nice. Late mother in law's solid gold watch had gone too.

The cats were upstairs; I remember going up and they came out of the back bedroom to greet us, miaowing and stressed. First thing I did was feed them in the kitchen. When we 'phoned the police we were told not to move or touch anything but I said, "I must feed the cats", to which they agreed.

Oh well, you didn't need to know my life story Smile, but this thread brought back memories and it was therapeutic for me to write it all.

echt · 22/09/2021 00:22

I don't get the people saying that the OP has 'all the mental load', when, on this occasion when the dh has solved the problem, he is then getting criticised for doing so. You can't complain that one person carries all the load, if they then don't let the other partner solve things their way

Except the husband offered nothing, no help. Nothing.

I had to rush out of the house in the middle of this: earth tremor, and no mean one, the whole house shaking and swaying.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/09/2021 04:06

For all the posters saying they're "not strangers, they're DH's friends" - do you all know ALL your DH's friends?
I don't.
I wouldn't be remotely happy at him inviting virtual strangers (as they would be TO ME) into our home while I wasn't even there!

And some of you may have restrained and non-inquisitive friends (or think you do) but other people know that their friends might have a nosey around. More to the point, if the OP doesn't know these people, then she won't know that they absolutely would not poke around.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/09/2021 04:08

@echt - you ok? nothing broke? nothing damaged?
I had experience of an earth tremor at Uluru once - that was a bit scary!

EccentricaGalumbits · 22/09/2021 04:13

@echt

I don't get the people saying that the OP has 'all the mental load', when, on this occasion when the dh has solved the problem, he is then getting criticised for doing so. You can't complain that one person carries all the load, if they then don't let the other partner solve things their way

Except the husband offered nothing, no help. Nothing.

I had to rush out of the house in the middle of this: earth tremor, and no mean one, the whole house shaking and swaying.

Fellow Melburnian here... imagine a world where you could go away for the weekend and have pet sitters! What a week it's been. Hope you and yours are OK.
BlackShadowCat · 22/09/2021 04:21

I think communication is really important. He should have just asked the OP what she thought and she could have said it's too much work to ask them, I know someone locally who can just pop in and it will be easier.

I was watching the Marie Kondo program and one of the things that really struck me was how much she and her husband sit down and talk and discuss what needs to be done in the house and share the work together. I think that's so great. My Ex was so useless and never did anything around the house. I would love a partner who we could say why don't you clean the bathroom and I'll change the sheets. Housework doesn't need special skills, it's just grunt work. Anyone can do it, male or female.

CatterySlave1 · 22/09/2021 19:13

I used to work in a cattery (hence name lol) and they’ll be well used to kittens believe me! Just find a good one and you can check your council website as they have to check/assess them and give them a star rating. Ours was 5* and even had an outside run for them to doze in the sunshine and watch the birds on a farm (so a little holiday for them too). Just make sure to visit and that you’re happy. Definitely No smells nor tiny cages!
Alternatively tell hubby he’ll have to pay a firm of cleaners to come in and give the place a once over at his expense!