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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH invited friends to stay without asking me

202 replies

BeepyBoo · 20/09/2021 23:14

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 21/09/2021 00:50

@WavesAndLeaves

I had some sympathy with you until you mentioned cleaning the inside of the fridge. That's crazy. You definitely definitely definitely don't need to do that before people stay for a weekend. How much else are you doing that isn't necessary? I'm serious. It sounds like you need to prioritise, and lower your standards, because life doesn't need to be as hard as it sounds like you're making it
I assumed the op meant going through and chucking out leftovers and jam that's gone furry, possibly cleaning up a spill-the kind of jobs that get left when you are really slammed but wouldn't be fair to leave for a guest to find if they're using the kitchen etc. I'd put it in the same category as cleaning the hob- you can leave it when it's just you cooking, but you wouldn't expect someone else to cook on it.
SocialConnection · 21/09/2021 00:52

Give him a list of the tidying and cleaning that needs to be done. Go on the trip. Enjoy the trip.

Dogladyxo · 21/09/2021 00:58

YANBU - he isn't concerned or thought about the house needing to be a bit tidy. I get not wanting to tell him things, but it looks as though he is needing this. I would 100% give him a list and ask for his help on this. He is your husband.

Otherwise - I understand your cat is younger but they aren't going to die being in a cattery for a few days.

DifferentHair · 21/09/2021 01:04

YANBU

But your real problem is that your husband doesn't see or care that you're doing so much invisible domestic labour.

He didn't think about the work involved because he doesn't have to be aware of it- the fairies take care of all that.

That's your real problem- you need more equality in your marriage. You're angry because he's using you.

BlackShadowCat · 21/09/2021 01:11

I also agree that your real problem is that your husband isn't pulling his weight and you are overwhelmed. There is absolutely no reason he can't do housework too. you have a lot on your plate with work, the kids, a kitten, trips away, and you are doing all the housework by the sounds of it. You both need a long chat about this.

Ticksallboxes · 21/09/2021 01:28

Oh gosh this makes me think of my sister. She lives in a great part of London, is high energy and doesn't have children. She's always having friends to stay when her and her partner go away for mini-breaks and holidays but she has the time to ensure her house is always immaculate.

It's actually intimidating when she stays at ours as she says things like "You only clean what you can see" etc!!

timeisnotaline · 21/09/2021 01:29

Cleaning the inside of the fridge is batshit, do not do that.
I’d cancel this holiday tbh and tell your dh that you looked at the unpacked suitcases on the floor from 3 weeks ago and felt all alone in this marriage and burst into tears. If he can’t even unpack his own clothes you never ever want to go on holiday with him again.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 21/09/2021 01:50

Not to state the obvious but you must have some downtime because you're posting on MN.
Tell him to call his friends back and say they can't stay. We're still in a pandemic so I doubt they'll be upset to discover you don't want other people staying in your house.

shesellsseacats · 21/09/2021 02:12

@WavesAndLeaves

I had some sympathy with you until you mentioned cleaning the inside of the fridge. That's crazy. You definitely definitely definitely don't need to do that before people stay for a weekend. How much else are you doing that isn't necessary? I'm serious. It sounds like you need to prioritise, and lower your standards, because life doesn't need to be as hard as it sounds like you're making it
How do you know she hasn't ALREADY prioritised and lowered her standards because she has too much on her plate, and that's why the fridge needs cleaning before guests come?
Plumtree391 · 21/09/2021 02:21

@Cherrysoup

He’s invited them, he can clean up and prepare beds for them. Let him crack on.
That.

At least you won't have to worry about cats while you are away.

Rookie93 · 21/09/2021 02:25

Am I the only person with a DP who most definitely cleans and does household chores far better than I can? As pp suggested agree a list of chores and food with him and let him get on with it. He is an adult and should be able to figure most stuff out if he holds down a job. And really so what if the house is messy, you have kids and a busy life, if it's not immaculately clean again so what? They aren't your best friends but are kindly doing your DP and yourself a huge favour. I read the recent thread on hotel room cleaning with disgust as it was eye opening so anythibg that gets done in your home from the sounds of it would be a huge step up. Hope you do get to enjoy your break 💐💐

1forAll74 · 21/09/2021 02:42

My three cats would not tolerate other people staying in the house if I was away. They maybe would not mind someone coming in to feed them. but definitely don't like other people in the house. going in their favourite places.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 21/09/2021 02:50

Apart from the extra work, do you even wa t these people in your home while you're away? I wouldn't.

GetMeOut22 · 21/09/2021 02:51

Cancel the weekend away and reasses your relationship.

FindingMeno · 21/09/2021 02:55

I couldn't stand this.

MilesOfSand · 21/09/2021 02:59

Oh god, I would HATE this and my husband would feign complete confusion as he wouldn’t worry at all what guests think of a messy house. I’d also worry at the same time that they don’t want to come and simultaneously that it will be rude to tell them not to.

HannaHanna · 21/09/2021 03:17

I think it’s reasonable to be a bit irritated and say, “no, that won’t work.” But you’re making a massive deal about it here instead.

I’m sure you are very busy but you certainly could have unpacked your suitcase in the time you’ve spent creating and responding to this thread.

Just make other arrangements and tell him to let them know you all appreciate their willingness but don’t need them this time. Then sit down with him and make a plan together to divide up your household chores and get the house under control so you aren’t so anxious about the idea of people staying over a few nights.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 21/09/2021 03:28

I certainly wouldn’t want virtual strangers staying in my house!

FlowerArranger · 21/09/2021 03:32

@Thethreecs

Oh god, total nightmare. Men really don't think about these things. Of course you'll have to leave clean beds, bathroom, kitchen. There's no hope I'd be leaving these things unclean. I'd be mortified if they went rooting, and there's many who do. Even opening wardrobes to have a nose. Mines organised mess 😂 if you can't arrange anything else, I'd lock the door to one bedroom and feck everything in there. I mean, clothes, crap that had no home, even strip the bed they'll be sleeping in and feck in the covers. Then do a list give it to him and tell him to sort it,
Men don't think about these things? Why not, I wonder...
HarebrightCedarmoon · 21/09/2021 03:46

You don't need someone to stay at the house with cats! Just pay a pet sitter to pop in or we've even left the cats with the timed pop up food trays when it has just been Saturday morning - Sunday afternoon. Much easier.

Plumtree391 · 21/09/2021 04:10

@BeepyBoo

The original cat sitter would not have been sitting BTW, just visiting twice a day for 30 mins.
Book that one and cancel the live-in sitters.

We used to have someone who came in twice a day to feed, water and check on our cats, there was never any need for somebody to stay.

pelosi · 21/09/2021 04:34

YANBU. When do you go away?

He needs to tell them they are no longer needed.

At the very least, if the couple do stay, tell him he needs to clean the house by this weekend or they can’t stay over. And tell him he needs to sort the food for them.

NessieMcNessface · 21/09/2021 04:41

You have my absolute sympathy OP. I also would feel incredibly stressed at the idea of people I don’t know well, staying in my house while I was away. Tbh I would feel just as bad if they were people I did know well unless it was family. Faced with the same situation I would have responded exactly as you have. I hope by asking around you’re able to find a friend or neighbour who can help out. Hopefully your reaction to this situation will ensure that your husband will understand your feelings and won’t do something like this again.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2021 05:24

YANBU.
He probably thought he was doing a "nice thing" by organising a cat sitter but clearly didn't think beyond that in terms of what that would mean.
Therefore his "helping" has had more negative than positive consequences.

I too would go off my nut at him for this but then I would be doing my best to make him involved in all the cleaning/preparation for their stay.

My DH wouldn't do this because he is a minimalist and thinks our house is too messy to have visitors over at all - but if he did, he'd certainly be given jobs to do! Whenever we have a kids' party at our house (back in the good ol' pre-covid days) he would do the outside and I would do the inside. The workload pretty much evened out - but if people were coming to stay then the inside workload would be much higher and he would be changing beds and vacuuming at the very least!

Rainbowheart1 · 21/09/2021 05:40

Your creating work for yourself for no good reason.

And also have the front to be annoyed at your partner when his solved a problem so you both get a long weekend away.

You need to step back and look around.