DH invited friends to stay without asking me

[BeepyBoo]

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

This isnt about the cat sitter this is about your husband leaving all the domestic stuff to you even though you work and carry all the mental load which is a job in itself. So you do 3 things and he does just one, work. If you havent unpacked from holiday because you've just been too busy and presumably he hasnt, why hasnt he done it?

I think him asking someone to come has tipped you over the edge as it demonstrates the issues above - all the mental load falls on you. How can he not know that most people clean for visitors staying more than they clean for themselves. And all the practical stuff falls on you. Interesting how you've phrased it that he would barely 'help'...help implies it's your responsibility and he would be doing you a favour. When it was his solution that he organised without telling you so actually it's his responsibility to get the house visitor ready.

I think you need to sit down and properly delegate some responsibilities to him. Not right now and not relating to this but soon. As otherwise, one day, the resentment will kill your marriage. Write down all of the tasks. So something like kids clubs. He has to book and pay for renewal. Has to give his contact details to the organisers. Has to organise the kids with whatever kit they need to go. And take/ bring back. Maybe once the whole thing is his responsibility then he will get out the mindset of 'helping' by giving them a lift. Same with the house you need to find a way of delegating responsibility fairly. Eg bathrooms are his responsibility - he has to make sure toilet paper is filled, order toothpaste etc, clean it once a week (I'd show him how once)

[RosesAndHellebores]

@Needthesun - guest rooms are always freshly made up. Hard floors are mopped weekly, fridge gets a weekly wipe before the next delivery and the oven gets a wipe over after a roast. Bathrooms are cleaned thoroughly weekly. If that isn't good enough for visitors, visitors can stuff off.

[U2HasTheEdge]

[quote Needthesun]@RosesAndHellebores well, yes my home gets tidied after bedtime too. But that’s not the same as being visitor ready - that’s superficial, day to day tidy. I’m talking all bathrooms freshly cleaned, fresh bedsheets, floors mopped (not just a usual quick going over with the hoover). If the guests would be in the house alone using the kitchen then I’d absolutely need to give the fridge and oven a once over etc.

Kudos to you if you could, at any moment, hand your house over to virtual strangers without worrying about cleanliness. But, for most of us we live with an element of superficially tidy for much of the time.[/quote]
Exactly.

With lots of children and pets it would take me a long time to get the house ready for staying guests I barely know.

[sirfredfredgeorge]

I don’t know anyone with small kids whose house is always visitor ready

All these threads tend to show me, is that there are an awful lot of seriously judgemental people who think "visitor ready" means something other than the normal level of cleanliness acceptable to the family.

It's weird, 'cos it implies they do not feel it is appropriate to live in their homes how it is most of the time. So it's not even judging about cleanliness, it's judging about not putting on a fake show to people.

[rookiemere]

Indeed @sirfredfredgeorge , I feel lucky that our guests judge us ( if they do at all) on the warmth of their welcome, rather than checking dust bunnies behind the sofa.

[RosesAndHellebores]

Absolutely @sirfredfredgeorge

[PhoboPhobia]

I get why you’re annoyed. I would not want people coming to stay over at short notice when I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on. BUT.
Your DH is useless and you need to tell him that.
You don’t want a cleaner.
You don’t want to lower your standards.

You are being a bit of a martyr and unless you are willing to take this issue on with your DH long term to resolve it, it’s going to happen again.

Why are you putting up with him being so useless that he ‘wouldn’t know where to start’?

You have pets, DCs and a job. Why are you carrying all of the burden?

[clara443]

This would be my worse nightmare, he's an inconsiderate idiot.

You really need to reconsider your division of labour. Personally i'd cancel and get your house straight.
Everyone mucks in, four people can make a huge impact. It will make you much happier OP, a nice clean slate, division of jobs, better than a weekend away. (Teach him how to do it)

[gannett]

Why the fuck would they even want to stay the weekend?

Wait, is it now completely abnormal that friends might stay in your house for a couple of nights? Maybe OP lives in a nice area that this couple would like to have a long weekend away in?

OP you are completely overthinking how much work needs to be done to make the house acceptable. I've stayed in friends' houses in similar situations and sometimes they've just cheerfully said "it's chaos, haven't had time to sort it properly" and it's been fine because I'm not a bitch who'd judge them on a bit of mess. If there's nothing in the fridge they'll let me know, I'm capable of catering for myself.

In a situation like this they're coming over at the last minute to do you a favour, it's not like they're houseguests for whom everything has to be pristine.

The house just needs to be a basic level of clean and tidy so your husband can crack on with a bit of hoovering and dusting - I refuse to believe he's incapable of that. No need for any LISTS or STRESS about ow many million things need doing. They don't.

[MsTSwift]

Urgh I would go mad we house swap and getting house visitor ready is a massive deal - we have a big house and some people are neurotic clean freak types. We pay a local teen a fiver a day to go in feed and play with cats.

[CharityDingle]

Nope, I would hate this. Absolutely would hate people being in my home, when I'm not there. And yes, I would feel like you, OP, that there would be lots of preparation to be done. It would spoil my time away, tbh.

He has created work, let him get on with it, but by the sound of it, he won't.

[rookiemere]

The bit I don't get is the need to go ballistic at the DH.
He tried to resolve the stated problem, the solution isn't one the OP wants to take. Fine,can the idea and find someone to sit the cats. I don't get all this barely contained fury and the need to lecture the DH all the way to the holiday destination ( as suggested by one poster).

If division of labour is the issue, then work on that - perhaps getting the DH to empty the 3 week old suitcase could be a start, or tell him to wipe down the cooker and fridge.

[IntermittentParps]

In the nicest possible way, OP, you need to try to relax.
I do agree your DH has been thoughtless, if it's not occurred to him that things need doing or that there isn't a house fairy.
But is it really the end of the world if you just let them take you as they find you?
If you really can't stand it, tell your DH to do the sorting out.

[U2HasTheEdge]

@rookiemere

Indeed *@sirfredfredgeorge* , I feel lucky that our guests judge us ( if they do at all) on the warmth of their welcome, rather than checking dust bunnies behind the sofa.

I think the difference is that OP doesn't know this couple well.

I would know that my family and very close friends wouldn't judge me and would be happy to stay at mine just how my house is, but I wouldn't be comfortable with two people I don't know well staying over.

[ancientgran]

@BeepyBoo

If you're going to tell me to just leave my house as it is and let them stay, then don't bother. No way. There would be a lot to clean, plan and think about. I would be uncomfortable otherwise. And he wouldn't have the foggiest where to start. Me trying to get him to realise what needs doing, would also do my head in.

I understand how you feel, I'd be the same and it would ruin your weekend away fretting about it.

I would be tempted to murder my husband if he did that. I'm not sure what you can do and murder is probably a bit extreme.

Would you be able to spend the cat sitter money getting someone in to help?

[ancientgran]

Just realised you don't want a cleaner. Sorry for the useless suggestion.

Not quite the same situation but I had an elderly dog that we didn't want to put in kennels and we found a local couple, pensioners who loved animals and made a bit of money hosting cats and dogs while owners had a break. It was a lovely arrangement and their garden was secure so no worries. If you can't find a sitter that might work.

[TheUnbearable]

No way would people I hardly know be staying in my house while I was away, irrespective of anything domestic.

They need cancelling and a drop in cat carer booked and your DH needs to help.

[Notonthestairs]

Well your DH has solved one problem but I can see he's created quite a few others.

Any chance you and he can do the minimum to sort - sheets, towels, floors, bread, milk, takeaway menus - and then think fuck it. You don't know them, their opinion is pretty irrelevant in the wider scheme of your life and certainly won't be something you are fretting over in a months time.

You might be judged and found wanting but does it really matter...

(That's what I'd like to think, not sure whether I could pull it off!)

[CandidaAlbicans2]

YANBU
Yes, he "fixed" one problem (someone to cat sit) but actually created another. It's the classic thoughtlessness, not understanding "wife work", and not looking at the bigger picture. I'd be annoyed too.

What I'd do is use this opportunity to discuss the division of labour, especially all those hidden, everyday, tasks that probably aren't on his radar. I also think he could do with looking at "you should've asked" as suggested by a PP as it really sums up how women tend to take on most of the mental load in relationships and how it affects them.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Don't you have a neighbour who could come round twice a day (or even once would be fine) for a couple of days if you give them a key?

I'm not really close to my neighbours but they are nice and have a spare key for my back door. When I go away, if my parents can't do it then they will come round once a day and make sure the cat has plenty of food and water for the day. Cats are pretty independant and don't need much more than that, although my cat doesn't have a litter tray...I'm not sure I could ask a neighbour to do that.

There must be someone you know who would pop in once a day?

[oakleaffy]

@Thethreecs

Oh god, total nightmare. Men really don't think about these things. Of course you'll have to leave clean beds, bathroom, kitchen. There's no hope I'd be leaving these things unclean. I'd be mortified if they went rooting, and there's many who do. Even opening wardrobes to have a nose. Mines organised mess 😂 if you can't arrange anything else, I'd lock the door to one bedroom and feck everything in there. I mean, clothes, crap that had no home, even strip the bed they'll be sleeping in and feck in the covers. Then do a list give it to him and tell him to sort it,

Yes, people DO go a rooting.
My neighbours had a tortoise and their friend/neighbour used to go in and feed her.
Except she also used to spend a lot of time in the house as well!

My neighbours mentioned stuff being moved in drawers!
After that, they asked me to feed the tortoise as I didn't need access to their house!

[Whitefire]

As others have said this weekend is a bit of a red herring, it sounds like you just have too much on your hands, if you have an unpacked case from three weeks ago then things seem pretty unmanageable.

How old are the DC?

You need to either reduce what you do or start to outsource? This involves looking at everything, what is being done that doesn't need to be? What can be given to someone else to do?

You can't keep on like this though.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Sounds to me like you would benefit from learning to let go some

You’re piling all this extra stress on yourself because you don’t want guests to see you’re running low on hand soap

Learning how to stop putting so much pressure on myself about stupid nonsense literally saved my life.

Sounds like you could do with that too

How much of your stress is external and how much is you?

[IntermittentParps]

Yes, people DO go a rooting
If they do then they shouldn't be surprised or shocked at anything they find.
It's like the maxim about eavesdropping or reading a diary; don't do it if you don't want to hear something you didn't want to!

[Macncheeseballs]

Intermittentparps, telling someone 'they need to relax' is about as effective as telling an angry person to calm down, it kinda has the opposite effect