DH invited friends to stay without asking me

[BeepyBoo]

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds pretty unhelpful really
Cancel the guests and book a cattery
Is this really what you want in a relationship?

[echt]

@Rainbowheart1

Your creating work for yourself for no good reason.

And also have the front to be annoyed at your partner when his solved a problem so you both get a long weekend away.

You need to step back and look around.

He has not solved the problem, he has exacerbated it.

The OP has standards for guests in her house, she's not making work; he is. Had he said I'll make the house ready for guests then that would be fine, but he didn't.

[Charley50]

I agree that he was out of order. I wouldn't want them staying in my house and bed anyway, but unless he's doing the cleaning and prep, he hasn't done you a favour.
Why doesn't he clean generally?

[Faevern]

YANBU
In reality I suspect there are very few people who would consider their home ready to walk out of and hand over to friends or acquaintances for the weekend without any extra work.

Fucking hell so many people on mumsnet won’t answer their door or object to friends and family calling in unannounced never mind hand their home over for the weekend.

My gut reaction would be to let rip at my DP and cancel our weekend away.

It’s probably your DH’s lack of help around the home that means he doesn’t realise the work involved preparing for guests. Find someone you can pay to feed the kitten, tell DH to cancel the guests, and that his idea was shit no matter how well intended.

[SquarePeggyLeggy]

Your husband can get it organised. I don’t understand why he can’t. I wouldn’t like this either, but I wouldn’t make it my problem.
It sounds as though you’re very resentful, if your husband is incapable of tidying the house the. You have a huge problem, cat aside.

[rwalker]

Different people are bothered about different things your DH properly thinks your house is fine as it is to let people stay.

The fact you don't is your problem not his .

[RobinPenguins]

YANBU this would stress me out a lot. I wouldn’t assume “someone who comes to stay” for cat sitter, I’d assume “someone who pops round every day to feed them, keep them company for a little while and then leaves”.

[onelittlefrog]

@BeepyBoo

If you're going to tell me to just leave my house as it is and let them stay, then don't bother. No way. There would be a lot to clean, plan and think about. I would be uncomfortable otherwise. And he wouldn't have the foggiest where to start. Me trying to get him to realise what needs doing, would also do my head in.

YANBU to feel overwhelmed and like it's too much to organise.

But also, your husband isn't a mind-reader, and if he has different tidiness standards to you (which it sounds like he does), he probably didn't even realise you would need to do so much work in order to feel comfortable with this.

Just tell him it's too much and to uninvite them. Tell them they can come another time when you are in a better position to have guests in the house.

[speakout]

OP your problem seems to be much bigger than the cat issue.

Why are you bearing the brunt of all the childcare and housework while you work full time?

[Bluntness100]

I’d not have an issue with this, giv him a shopping list then you can tidy up one evening together. It’s not exactly rocket science to clean, I’m sure he can manage it. He’s not an infant.

[BhortaBhorta]

Longer term, get a cleaner? Take some of the pressure off. As someone unthread said, life shouldn’t be this hard.

[Gorl]

Yanbu, that would really stress me out too.

I think you have to impress upon him just how important it is that he do his share of the work - it’s simply not good enough for him to do the minimum.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I think he was out of order. Do you live in a nice area and that’s why they want to stay?

Are you like me, in that I’ve got loads to do but im not efficient enough so waste time? I know I could keep on top of more if I got organised!

[MangoBiscuit]

OP I get it. You had a problem, no cat sitter, your DH thinks he's sorted the problem by finding one, without realising he's created another problem. He hasn't given a second thought to the impact of having people stay, and won't think to do anything to prepare for that, so currently it falls to you. He SHOULD know what's involved, but he doesn't. And it's infuriating to have to explain it to him, or give him a list, but I think in this case you're going to have to.

You need to have a proper conversation with him, and explain exactly what's happened, and how the situation makes you feel. Tell him you appreciate him trying to sort out a cat sitter, but you are not prepared for anyone staying, so that adds a huge amount to the to do list. Tell him what's involved, and calmly tell him your expectations, including time frames. Then he has a choice of finding an alternative cat sitter, and cancelling the friends, or sorting out the house. Then pretty much just leave him to it. Shouldn't need saying, but just in case (and because some posters love to wilfully misinterpret), all of the above from the perspective of a mutually respectful partnership, not as if you're scolding a naughty child.

[arield]

@BeepyBoo

KingdomScrolls - Cesspit is a bit far-fetched, but not that far off. Our bedroom, where they will stay is the worst, because I chuck stuff in there and close the door. Ooo, I wish I lived your simple life! I haven't unpacked the case we took on our last holiday yet, three weeks ago - I haven't had time. It's still on my bedroom floor. Honestly, life has been mental.

Don't you need the stuff in the suitcase? How have you not sorted it for three weeks?

[Milkbottlelegs]

There would be a lot to clean, plan and think about

OP I mean this in the nicest way but you are coming across as very anxious. Are you always like this about visitors or is it because of everything else you have going on.

I think you are blowing this all out of proportion. It really doesn’t take that long to change one set of bedding and do a quick towel wash. As others have suggested, get a cleaner in.

Why are you assuming you need to do all the prep? Why can’t your husband get a few bits of basic shopping in for them?

You can both easily get this sorted in an evening, leaving you free to think about enjoying your weekend away.

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

It sounds like you have way too much on your plate.

[Tiramiwho]

Nobody needs to move in to your home to feed your cat twice a day! Never heard anything so ridiculous! My cat would be more stressed than if she was left alone with a pile of biscuits, access to her own garden and a quiet home for a few days! 🐱 Are they on full board too? Nice gig if you can get it! No way would I allow this x

[Macncheeseballs]

A visiting cat sitter would have been much better

[Quartz2208]

Use this opportunity I think to change the dynamic - it is clear you are overwrought due to taking too much on and this is the final straw - where he comes up with a solution that causes you to have a lot more work and still wants to be praised

[PurBal]

I would think he was just trying to help. I’d be slightly annoyed because he’s solved one problem and created another. But on the whole I’d try to see the positive and the thoughtfulness behind it.

[rookiemere]

I don't think you should go.
If you've not had the time to unpack your own case from three weeks ago, it sounds like you shouldn't be going away.

[Macncheeseballs]

Or she should most definitely be going away and she's already packed!

[user1493494961]

Sort the cat out yourself then.

[boobot1]

I would just say no. If he doesn't realise the work it creates and is not willing to do it, say no. He can explain to them.