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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH invited friends to stay without asking me

202 replies

BeepyBoo · 20/09/2021 23:14

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 21/09/2021 07:33

Yes Bad wifey, mustn't be ungrateful for anything husband does

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/09/2021 07:37

Cancel the weekend away and together sort the house jobs instead?

thelastgoldeneagle · 21/09/2021 07:40

This is the most important bit: This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

If your h stepped up and did his share of looking after kids, looking after house, you'd be a lot less stressed. This isn't about the catsitting; it's about the unfairness of life in general. Sit down and talk to your h about the division of labour.

leavesthataregreen · 21/09/2021 07:43

Sorry but YABU. You are treating your dH like a child and complaining he;s incompetent. You can't simultaneously complain you have too much on your plate and refuse to delegate. He doesn't see what you decree needs doing. So either make a list and share it out with him, or for once, let his way of doing things work - let friends come to a slightly scruffy house and feed the cat for two days and learn that the world hasn't fallen down as a result.

Bin85 · 21/09/2021 07:46

I totally understand.
It's very different to having people over for the day whilst you are there as they don't normally go into bedrooms , utility rooms, garages or other places you have put things to tidy up downstairs.
My friends once arranged an evening out for one of my big birthdays.
Lovely but dh didn't tell me until the day and it was me who spent most of my birthday finding a babysitter at short notice!
Longer term you need a cleaner , time on your own in the house and the organised mum system .

RosesAndHellebores · 21/09/2021 07:47

Dons flak jacket. If the house isn't clean and tidy enough for visitors, surely it needs to be dealt with. If it's always dirty and untidy that's an issue and you really do need a cleaner.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/09/2021 07:47

Yes, agree with this:

This is the most important bit: This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

If your h stepped up and did his share of looking after kids, looking after house, you'd be a lot less stressed. This isn't about the catsitting; it's about the unfairness of life in general. Sit down and talk to your h about the division of labour.

Needthesun · 21/09/2021 07:50

@RosesAndHellebores

Dons flak jacket. If the house isn't clean and tidy enough for visitors, surely it needs to be dealt with. If it's always dirty and untidy that's an issue and you really do need a cleaner.
Grin

This is hilarious. I don’t know anyone with small kids whose house is always visitor ready. Even with a cleaner.

notanothertakeaway · 21/09/2021 07:52

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Cancel the weekend away and together sort the house jobs instead?
That's a sensible suggestion

Your problem isn't really the cat / weekend. It sounds like a bigger issue of you feeling overwhelmed

I'd suggest ruthless decluttering, Marie Kondo style. If you have less stuff, it's easier to keep on top of everything

And, you mention parties, so I assume you have children. How many? How old? Never too young to get them involved eg putting shopping away, changing toilet rolls etc

I think your DH came up with a solution to the immediate cat sitter problem, but you need a better system for household chores

And, remember, your way isn't the only way. I see too many people on here moaning that their DH doesn't stack the dishwasher / fold towels "properly". That's nonsense. People need autonomy to do tasks their own way

RosesAndHellebores · 21/09/2021 07:54

@Needthesun mine was. Took 10 minutes after bath time to put away the toys and puff up the cushions, set off the dishwasher, etc. And I had a DH who was out 14 hours a day.

ifonly4 · 21/09/2021 07:56

I wouldn't appreciate all the last minute work, but for me the fact a young cat has someone around most of time to keep an eye on them, would be my main concern - they can get in a lot of trouble if left to their own devices.

Can DH help you?

rookiemere · 21/09/2021 07:57

There's a difference between being visitor ready and so overwhelmed that you haven't unpacked a case from a trip three weeks ago.

Hopeisallineed · 21/09/2021 07:59

Cancel the cat sitters and make your own arrangements. Simple.

Blossomtoes · 21/09/2021 07:59

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think the reason is very relevant - he hasn’t just invited his friends to stay for a jolly, he’s solved a joint household problem by arranging a cat sitter. He can change the spare bed and run the vacuum cleaner around, forget about what other “organisation” you think you need to do, there’s no need to be a martyr.
This. Unless it’s an absolute tip, that’s all that’s needed. They won’t be expecting a show home.
LannieDuck · 21/09/2021 08:01

@BeepyBoo

I'm sure I can get another cat visitor (don't need someone to stay in the house), there are lots around. It's the fact he asked people to stay without asking me, or considering the work it will require. I find it disrespectful. I would not organise something like this without even asking him. I literally don't have 20 mins downtime ATM. I can't even make a day or two space to prepare before we go.

Way to go timeisnotaline!

considering the work it will require

Is it possible that he just doesn't realise because you always do it all?

I agree you shouldn't have to give him a list, but on this one occasion, I would. Then leave him to crack on with it. Then, if he ever invites guests unexpectedly again, he can't claim he doesn't know what needs doing.

334bu · 21/09/2021 08:04

He should have asked you first . Now you tell him to organise a cleaner before they come.

welshpolarbear · 21/09/2021 08:05

Oh poor you OP. This would be my worst nightmare. There's so much that fmgoea into something like this, you realise things that are hanging around (piles of things) that you generally wouldn't notice, and it just adds to the time.

I'd find a cat sitter, get your husband to tell them you'd organised sitter without him knowing. Crossed wires? Fingers crossed for you.

BedTed · 21/09/2021 08:05

Fuck no!
The only one that sleeps in my bed is me!

Needthesun · 21/09/2021 08:06

@RosesAndHellebores well, yes my home gets tidied after bedtime too. But that’s not the same as being visitor ready - that’s superficial, day to day tidy. I’m talking all bathrooms freshly cleaned, fresh bedsheets, floors mopped (not just a usual quick going over with the hoover). If the guests would be in the house alone using the kitchen then I’d absolutely need to give the fridge and oven a once over etc.

Kudos to you if you could, at any moment, hand your house over to virtual strangers without worrying about cleanliness. But, for most of us we live with an element of superficially tidy for much of the time.

snowblack · 21/09/2021 08:07

YANBU. But to be honest, you had a holiday 3 wks ago that you haven’t had time to unpack yet. I think I’d rather skip this holiday, and you could both stay at home and get your house properly sorted to avoid even more future stress. When you come home from this holiday you will have ywo holidays to unpack. It will stress you out even more.

bigbluebus · 21/09/2021 08:07

Haven't you got a friend or neighbour (or neighbour's teenager) who can pop in and do cat duties - then you can cancel the 'friends' who have been invited to stay.
I've just done cat sitting duties for some local friends. I've never owned a cat in my life. But it's not rocket science - do food and water, change litter trays, stroke cat for a bit. 5 minutes instruction was all that was needed.

I fully understand what you mean about having people to stay though. My DH has zero appreciation of the preparation involved and the work changing beds etc afterwards. He fully looks forward to having friends and family members to stay as it is zero effort for him, whilst I spend hours thinking about what to feed them on, doing the extra shopping/food prep, making up beds, cleaning etc. By the time they arrive I'm done with the idea of having visitors!

snowblack · 21/09/2021 08:08

*two

U2HasTheEdge · 21/09/2021 08:09

YANBU OP.

I would hate people who I don't know well staying over. I would find it really intrusive. Why the fuck would they even want to stay the weekend?

I would have to do a lot of work around the house in this situation too. Not because my house is awful.

I would make him cancel. No way on earth would I have them staying over. The thought makes me stressed alone. Family is different for me, but this couple? no bloody way.

Clymene · 21/09/2021 08:09

Get someone else to look after the cat, cancel the friends.

On the way to the holiday, spend the car journey explaining to your husband why what he did wasn't helpful or solving the problem.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 21/09/2021 08:09

There’s a massive difference between paying a stranger to spend 2x 30 minutes feeding a cat to having friends staying as guests whilst doing you a favour.
I totally understand because I’m the sort of person who will be on my hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor before a play date, whilst everything is dumped upstairs.
I hate the thought of people looking around my home and thinking it’s dirty or messy or my towels are a bit manky…

The solution? Cancel the friends. Find a new cat sitter. Still give DH a list of things to do that will start to make your life easier.

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