DH invited friends to stay without asking me

[BeepyBoo]

I have just gone nuts at my husband and just want to sense check this. Basically we needed a cat sitter to visit our cat twice a day over a long weekend away. The usual cat sitter is unavailable, so without asking me, he's asked a friend and his wife whether they want to come and stay at our house for the weekend.

I am so stressed at the moment with working practically full-time, running kids to clubs, organising parties, and a million other admin jobs in my head, that I can't cope with the idea that I'm suddenly going to have to get the house organised and clean enough for people who I don't know well, to STAY. I barely keep on top of the house as it is. This would all fall to me, as he would do the minimum to help. The idea is really stressing me out.

I think it's irrelevant what the reason is (cat-sitting)- it's inappropriate to organise something like this, which is going to create a lot of extra stress for me, without even asking me. It should just be a basic matter of respect to check with a partner before making these types of plans?

[MyrtlethePurpleTurtle]

Sounds a great idea to me - but then I am comfortable with my slatternly ways and friends cat sitting would be ok with changing bed linen

[maddening]

I would get a one off deep clean done, most cleaning agencies offer the service, and it will be great to have the house deep cleaned before Xmas.

[GreatHitchenKitchen]

@Roxy69

Having had cats, I am sure the animal would be better off in a cattery where it could be looked after properly and have some company. They don't hold grudges and it will soon acclimatise to the new surroundings.

Cats do hold grudges. They really do.

[MeridianB]

Eurgh. Virtual strangers sleeping in your bed? Even without COVID I wouldn’t like this. Cancel the ‘guests’ and find a cat visitor or ask a neighbour. YANBU.

[Roxy69]

Having had cats, I am sure the animal would be better off in a cattery where it could be looked after properly and have some company. They don't hold grudges and it will soon acclimatise to the new surroundings.

[KirstenBlest]

@CharityDingle

I do wish people wouldn't regard it as a man 'helping'. That implies immediately that it's down to a woman to take all the responsibility for the grunt work around the house, and the man gets to 'help'.

Probably looking for praise into the bargain, 'I put the washing on FOR YOU' 'I vacuumed the sitting room FOR YOU'... why, don't you live here too!

Anyway, OP, I hope that you are okay, I have commented already upthread that this would stress me too.

I do wish people wouldn't regard it as a man 'helping'. That implies immediately that it's down to a woman to take all the responsibility for the grunt work around the house, and the man gets to 'help'.

Too darn right @CharityDingle, yet we read it on here in dozens of thread.

It isn't helping, it is doing his share

[Kisskiss]

Let him know it’s his job to get the house ready for his frievds..

[CharityDingle]

I do wish people wouldn't regard it as a man 'helping'. That implies immediately that it's down to a woman to take all the responsibility for the grunt work around the house, and the man gets to 'help'.

Probably looking for praise into the bargain, 'I put the washing on FOR YOU' 'I vacuumed the sitting room FOR YOU'... why, don't you live here too!

Anyway, OP, I hope that you are okay, I have commented already upthread that this would stress me too.

[Mollymoostoo]

I love reading comments like 'make him do it'.
You can't make someone do something. My DH does what he chooses and it doesn't matter if I plead or beg, he does what he wants

[Mollymoostoo]

@Leeds2

I would refuse to go on the weekend away. No way would I want anyone staying in my house when I wasn't there. Or put the cats in a cattery.

Yep. I'm with this one. You don't even know these people. He should have asked them to look after the cat at their house and not invite strangers in the your home

[Mirw]

Take a chill pill. Get DH to clean the house. He asked them. And go off for your long weekend. The world doesn*t come to an end if your house is not spotless for folks staying over.

[Flatwhitetostayin]

I would hate this too. I would feel uneasy about strangers being in my space even if my house was spotless (which it is not). He's basically solved a problem by creating lots more. Tell him, if he wants to solve the problem, cancel his friends and find another cat visitor. Sounds like you need to simplify your life though. Can he do some of the pick up drop offs for after school clubs or could you join a carpool with other parents? X

[RachaelN]

Write him a list of things he needs to help with. I think he thought he was just solving a problem without realising the stress it would cause you. Men seem to be more black and white about these things and can't see it from a woman's point of view.

[pelosi]

I said I hope OP makes H cancel the guests, but agree, there is no way I would be leaving a 7 month old kitten alone for a long weekend, or even a weekend.

[JuneJuly]

Too many, & too frequent, breaks away while you have a kitten at home OP. It sounds like these breaks are causing more work & stress than relaxation (eg, no time to empty suitcase from last trip before the next one)

For this time arrange another pop-in catsitter, cancel the 'friends' stay &, going forward, my advice would be to have fewer weekend trips away & enjoy some downtime at home on weekends instead. Or use them to do stuff you might want to do in the house.

[ellyeth]

It seems a reasonable solution to me but I don't understand why it is only your responsibility to do the cleaning and organising. Can't your husband help?

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

Cocomarine

Your life is so frantic that you haven’t unpacked a suitcase from 3 weeks ago… and yet at some point in the last 7 months, you decided to add a kitten to the mix.
No doubt you’ll say that something just ramped us this last few weeks, but honestly - I am 🙄 at the number of times I see on MN women saying how very busy they are - and that including dealing with pets.

You haven’t had time to empty a suitcase, yet you don’t work full time and you’re ferrying kids to clubs. How about, the next club day after you get back from hols and haven’t emptied your suitcase, you just don’t do clubs until you’re on top of it?

well - that’s you well and truly told off by old mother perfect op*
I’m totally with you on this one, NO BLOODY WAY!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

That would cause me so much stress. Tell them you don’t need a cat sitter anymore. Then ask a friend to have the kitten, use a chattery or don’t go. I’m actually getting anxious just thinking about it! No way!

[notjaneausten]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Many men have no b idea, my partner was asked to clean the bath once, my sis was coming to stay. The whole house reeked of cleaner, the bath was still grimy. I would hate strangers in the house when I was away anyhow, let alone feeling obliged to clean specially for them. Which you would.

[SallyWD]

You're not being unreasonable at all but I think it's actually a good idea to have someone stay at the house. Your cat is only a 7 month old kitten and will get stressed if left alone. Just get your husband to have a quick tidy and hoover before they come. You don't need to get shopping in for them - they're adults! We have house sitters to stay when we go away and my cat is a hundred times happier. I couldn't leave a kitten alone.

[jwpetal]

I have found this so difficult. You sound very stressed And perhaps some work with your dh in sharing the workload. You say he should know things but you sound like there is no space. His idea was sound. Have him help. Make a list of to do share it out.

[DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT]

Let me put your mind at rest. My cat sitter is an ex vet nurse. She tells us Not to clean or hoover... She's even suggested throwing dirty laundry around the floors because the cats will feel better if they can smell you around the place! 😁

[vincettenoir]

I can see why you’re stressed. I would feel the same tbh. But I really see it from his point of view too. The solution he has come up with is a very good one for the kitten. I’m kind of impressed as well as this is the kind of detail that would usually be left to me to sort out.

Let’s face it you will both be running around a bit manically the day before your holiday trying to get the house organised. But once you’re away you can be relaxed in the knowledge that your kitten is being well taken care of, for free. The going rate for someone to visit once or twice daily, which would be a much poorer solution, is very expensive.

[dearfanny]

Csnt you just ask a neighbour?

[Brefugee]

YABU for taking on everything and not making your DH join in your family life.

Make him get the house ready and don't blather on about how he can't - he can. Or he can learn. And divvy up all the admin you do.